365 Days... and even Beyond...

Day 47 - 88 : Three Words...I Got You...

2010-03-22T02:03:00.001-07:00

Often when I take forever to blog about whatever..its cos, I'm a lil outta sorts... I dunno what to say.. before it would be because I really was in two worlds about my feelings for Cutie.. and now... I'm just really overwhelmed.. and at the risk of repeating myself and gushing about how good he makes me feel... I decided to chill on the blogging...twas feeling hella gay...and OTT..and surreal...

But I love to write so I feel bad when I don't... especially coz I missed my bday.. .and the big move to Joburg...yes, I moved out my mom's crib.. I'm officially independent...except I gots no furniture and I feel like I be living in a cave.. seriously, it echoes when I'm on the phone..that's how quiet and hollow it is.. lol...

Back to the blog title... sometimes or even all the time... life seems to steer you in a certain direction...you see, hear things that I believe are meant to open your eyes or even make you aware of a different or even current perspective that you may not be acknowledging as well as you should...

goodness..that's sounds hella confusing... what I'm tryna say is...

There's a reason why the thought of Cutie makes my eyes water and that it scares me so much... there's a reason why he still makes me nervous and that I'd do anything to impress him.. there's a reason why I'm so overwhelmed and so in love...even though we're nine months deep... and I may not get all these reasons...

But the universe does and because I'm aching for answers..and well, sometimes, answers dont literally rain down from heaven... they come in soft, lil messages... and here we are... dissecting those...

I'm currently reading a book called "Committed" by the same chick that wrote "Eat, Pray, Love"... it's proving to be hella eye-opening... as it tackles the concept of marriage from the point of view of a heavy cynic who's also a divorcee...

so it's addressing all the questions I had...and all the doubts that I hadn't even managed to put into words... now that's a blog for another day...

not to long ago...we saw Dear John... Channing Tatum's latest flick about love during war times... yet another sob story for another day... i cried right through the movie as I recounted all the similarities between this work of fiction and our lives...

in this flick... the leading couple fall in love, basically at first sight (just like us)... it takes the guy a while to truly open up and be comfortable round the girl(just like Cutie)... the girl is close friends with a guy with an autistic kid (my brother also has development issues, although not as hectic as autism)... she sacrificed her happiness to help out her friend by marrying him when he got cancer so that his son would be looked after (For the longest time, Cutie was dealing with his ex gf, M and her unemployment situation and family problems... even though he wanted to break up with her, he wouldn't allow himself to "abandon" her...) The guy has to go way to war, a reference is made to a year (Cutie is going away for a year)... she wants to be a teacher to young kids (i'm a Sunday school teacher-liove kids!)...they send eachother love-letters (Cutie and I email/text all the time...)..they never said goodbye-it was always "see ya later" or something liek that (Cutie and I, always say later..i hate goodbyes!)...he shared things with her that he had never shared with anybody else and vice-versa (same with us, he's like my BFF lol)...they wanted to get married and have kids... (ditto!)

*tearing up*

Then there's the blog title... sometimes when you're in love, songs speak to you... in this instance Leona Lewis' new single "I Got You" took me, shook me and screamed at me...

The reason being that the three words that Cutie loves to use when he's saying goodbye are exactly that... he'll say 'I got chu neh..." and I'll smile completely reassured that he got me...

and now that he's about to go on his sabbatical... from everything including me... (oh gosh! sorry...yet another story for another day) Leona Lewis' words are even that much more heart-rending...

'Cause this is love and life
And nothing we can both control
(I got you)
And if it don't feel right
You're not losing me by letting me know
(I got you)

Go ahead and say goodbye
(Say goodbye)
I'll be alright

Go ahead and make me cry
I'll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better, for worse, I got you

so here I am, trying not to try... well, slightly comforted by the words to this song..coz really its ok..coz whatever happens.. I got him too...

and then there are times when I feel like I dont deserve him in my life... like its way too much good fortune..like Joss Stone put it.. I'm feel spoiled... cant even imagine my life without him... can't deal with him being away... just wanna get started on forever...

I'm spoiled
By your love boy
No matter how I try to change my mind
What's the point it's just a waste of time
I'm spoiled by your touch boy
The love you give is just too hard to fight
Don't want to live without you in my life
I'm spoiled

I tried to tell myself that I'd be over you in a week or two
But baby that was 'bout a year ago
I've never seen the word love so personified as I do with you
And that is why I just can't let go, oh no

Spoil me

And I would only be fooling myself if I tried to
Believe there's room for someone else in my heart
There ain't no way I'm getting over you
I don't know what I've been trying to prove
I'm hopeless, helpless when it comes to you

Day 41 - 46: Blog Challenge - Ten Things I Love about You

2010-02-08T07:05:00.000-08:00

As you know, I've been threatening to complete this blog challenge for the past few weeks now... It took forever because I figured I couldn't do it in a hurry... Coz this is very close to my heart... well, today, right this moment, I've decided that everything can wait...

I walked in this morning to find a bunch of red roses and a box of chocolates on my desk..no card...no clue... I was genuinely surprised and my Monday was no longer blue... Cutie wasn't even on my radar coz in the run up to the Valentine's Day weekend, he was adamant about "not believing" in Vday...

So imagine my shock when I called him and he admitted that he was behind the lovely surprise on my desk... so here I am... completely and utterly keen to do this...coz I have one more very big thing to add to this list....

...10 things I love about Cutie... to Cutie...

1. I love your smile... so I make a point of making you smile/laugh all the time... coz you're so beautiful when you're doing it... I love contributing to your happiness...
2. I love the way you hold me close and send butterflies all over my body... every single time. I could never tire of holding your hand....
3. I love the way you kiss me... so gently and genuinely... and tenderly... I swear my lips were made for yours...
4. I love the way you are so caring and considerate..pretty much the exact opposite of me...you've made me want to be a better person... I wanna measure up to you...
5. I love the way you love your family...especially your sisters and mother... it's hella comforting...
6. I love the way you love your lil nephew... I love kids...um..I'll leave it there...
7. I love the way that you're able to stand up to me..balls of steel...what a MAN!
8. I love how childish you can be...completely idiotic..
9. I love the way you can be in the moment...
10. I love your desire to be bigger, better, bolder..the good way..via hardwork and such... it's motivating....
11. I love the way you always got my back, you never put me down.. you're so gentle and kind...
12. I love your sheer sexiness..omg! Nuff said!
13. I love the way you get all shy about your good looks… and compliments in general…
14. I love all of you! from your bitten finger-nails to your Denzel Washington 'fro..wouldn't change you for nothing...even though you look ten-times hotter clean cut (and who thought that was possible)
15. I love how you've accepted me for being brash, rude, cold and just wack at times..and you love me still...
16. I love how you'll pay attention and take my opinion in and still disagree with me..lol...
17. I love it when you say exactly what I'm thinking and vice-versa... or better yet, we'll say the same thing at the same time...
18. I love it when you call me/text me... at the same time as me or just as I was about to do it...
19. I love how you'll check on me and ask "u ok"?
20. I love how I can tell when something is bugging you..and then I'll have to basically drag the truth out of you..and then once you've told me... you'll feel slightly better..
21. I love being there for you...
22. I love you for letting me in...
23. I love that you still make me nervous... and gimme butterflies..after nearly a year...
24. I love that I love you more today then I ever did... and it just keeps growing...
25. I love looking into your eyes..and feeling the love...
26. I love thinking about you..and feeling the glow...
27. I love your daily texts/calls/mails...
28. I love that I don’t think that I deserve you..and the daily incredulity that surrounds the concept of “us”…
29. I love the fact that you know how to keep surprises... I could learn that too...
30. I love the way you say "I love You"..when I least expect it..when you mean it most..

so that wasn't quite ten..times that by three in fact.. and I'm sure there's much more..but for now...I'll leave it there... coz my insides feel like they've just mushed into one big potjie kos..gross...lol

Day 35 - 40: Blog Challenge - Random Meme

2010-02-08T06:23:00.000-08:00

Here we go again... it's another blog challenge... from last week actually...hektik weekend...but I will get this out...and I really want to do the "10 Things I Love about You"..especially in light of Valentine's Day...but before we get ahead of ourselevs..here's the Random Meme...

If I could sing, I would learn how to play the piano asap! And entertain guests with various Alicia Keys renditions...

In my kitchen cupboard lies a half-eaten box of Ceerios.. they are hella sweet, especially when floating in milk. I'm not as enthusiastic anymore.

On my desk is a reminder that I need to tidy up!

Image in my head -Cutie and I living happily ever after...

In the middle of my to do list is a profile that I should have completed a while ago. Oh and plenty emails that I've been meaning to respond to.

I am dreading Cutie's sabbatical. I'ma miss him like crazy. I wonder if I'll be disciplined enough not to fall into temptation.

Right now I want to respond to all my starred emails. The was done first coz it's the most fun and doesn't feel like work...

I think that moving to Randburg is gonna make me a fully-fledged adult..possibly very broke as well.

Going to sleep seems like a very good idea right now. Can't deal with that to-do list..but I must.. HELP!

Day 28-34: One Week of Hell and Minimum Bliss...

2010-02-02T23:02:00.000-08:00

Getting my drivers license proved to be a major highlight from last week. It happened on a Tuesday and by Thursday, things were already pear-shaped at work... I was having to learn that life can be hella unfair and that, that trusted adage still applies- its not about what you (can) do, it's about who you know....

Cue Kanye.... Wait til I get my money right.... At this stage of my career, I can't call in favours yet... Not that I roll like that but the world does so adapt or die?

I'd rather concentrate on what I can fix and change... Working hella hard to find accommodation near work so that I don't have to sit in traffic all morning... I'm hoping that I'll be able to spread my wings once I'm living in Joburg. Hopefully get started on that book...

So my work week pretty much sucked and then the weekend came and that was just filled with its own fair share of wtf!? On Friday, it was pouring and Cutie left early, much to my disappointment. Fridays are our thang...ya know... Then Saturday happened... Had an early shoot. Went shopping. Laid my eyes on the dopest kicks ever... The kind that Cutie would love... My heart said get them. My head reminded me that Cutie would probably not accept a random pair of shoes even if I had the perfect words to go with it... Such as... "new shoes for a new journey"... Cue the Johnny Walker sting- "Keep Walking"... But I got ahead of myself as usual... Not only did I not remember what size shoe he wears, I didn't wanna blow my cover so I got him size 8's- firstly coz they didn't have 7's in stock plus... If worst comes to worst- I have a brother and plenty male cousins... One of them surely wears an 8...

I got home n passed out... Driving can be hella exhausting... Especially as a newly licensed driver during my first weekend out with the car... woke up close to midnight. Woke up to my periods, missed calls, texts that couldn't come through coz of a lack of memory... Imagine the sheer irritation when Cutie said that he was not gonna see me despite being in the area. On top of that- turns out that he wears a size 7 Adidas and size 8 Nike... Let's jus say I didn't buy Nikes... I was hella unimpressed. So unimpressed that I needed a distraction bad... So we get ready to go out... As I'm leaving the parking space, I scrapped the car-door on my side against the concrete pillar... Twas hella surreal... What the hell am I gonna tell my mom?

Thank goodness for those new kicks that I "got" my brother... That should soften the blow... Man I hope they fit....well, they did! I guess that says a lot about my brother's genetics compared to Cutie's..lol! anyway....

Day 25 - 27: Blog Challenge- Home is where the Heart is...

2010-01-27T00:31:00.000-08:00

I've been meaning to do a Blog Challenge coz I'm hella sick of writing about my train-smash of a love-life. And I'm sure my followers (if they're still reading this drivel)are keen to see some variety in the new year. I missed the "Back at School" one which I really wanted to do but as usual procrastination got the best of me... and by the time I knew it, another Blog Challenge email had hit my inbox and I didn't get around to that one either...

The vicious cycle stops today.. in fact I blame my never-ending to-do (of things I never get to do) list on my Joburg mentality.

Yes, on the surface, Jozi comes across as the city of dreams where ambitions become reality... but truth is, this is the one place that is crawling with distractions. From meetings to events to lunch to movies to art galleries to fkin Gold Reef City (does anybody still go there ??!!!)

I'm a Pretoria girl at heart even though I basically spend all day in Jozi at work (and four hours on the highway in traffic).

I remember when we first arrived in Pretoria, I never thought we'd ever get around without getting lost. Especially in the CBD! And now , I'm so fond of Cap City Rap City because not only did I fall in love with hip hop over there, I also grew up there. Memories for dayssss.... especially in my green maid's outfit aka the Pretoria High School for Girls summer uniform. Plus how beautiful is it when Spring has bloomed and the Jacaranda flowers have brightened up the streets... It's so picturesque that you can't help but forget about the mess they make under your shoes...

I'm also in love, absolutely in love with Cape Town, Port Elizabeth, Durban... I just love the South African coastline. It smells different down there..sweeter, kinder, refreshing...

But there's only one city that I dream of visiting all the time despite the terrorist threats...my passion and sheer need to visit New York could possibly just be the result of some clever marketing.. either way I'm sold...

Jay-Z and Alicia Keys have cemented my "Empire State of Mind".

Day 06-24: Five Stages of Grief

2010-01-24T10:07:00.000-08:00

When I'm nervous, I bite my nails. As I type this, my left thumb nail is in my mouth, scrapping up against one of my top front-teeth. The only reason why I have yet to nibble through it, is simple really. I hate, absolutely despise, the way my fingers look once I've demolished my nails. So I'd rather not. Even though I have every reason to...

This week has possibly been the best and worst week all wrapped in one... Tuesday was good as I got my drivers license... Finally. Truth is I've lost count as to how many times I've had to take a driving test. Think I lost count at five. And in all honesty, I'd rather not recount all those failed attempts. Getting my drivers was like getting my degree. Unbelievable freedom! Feel like I'm growing up... FAST!

Anybody that has conscious been through growing-pains knows that they are almost never pleasant. And in order for the good to feel half as awesome then you gotta have some bad times to supplement that. And boy did I get my fair share of shit this week. Let me indulge in some self-pity for a sec...

On my return from my one-day leave on Wednesday, I drove to work and got stuck in the worst kinda Pretoria-Joburg traffic. The kind that makes you wish so desperately that you lived in Joburg. Goodness knows, I've been looking for accomodation near work and now that I can drive my car legally, I can widen my geographical search for a Jozi home.

Well, all this home-hunting has to take place in between work. Now before I could get carried away, I was unfortunately stuck in traffic.So I wasn't gonna go far for a while. If anything, I was only succeeding in annoying my superior. Well, to be honest, she was annoying me with nonsensical emails about my tardiness (complete with my boss copied). So rich coming from the queen of african time!

However, that's no excuse for being late. I accept that. But bitchy emails do nothing to ease the congestion on the N1 North highway. Don't even get me started on my frustration. Unless I can learn how to drive like a taxi-driver, there's no way, I can get to work on time and avoid the clogging up of my inbox... So until I've moved to Jozi, I don't think that I'll be on time for work anytime in the near future especially with the never-ending rainy weather and continuous construction on the road. She'll jussss have to be strong!

Still on the subject of exasperating motha-truckers... Oh my gosh... Traffic is bitch. Bumper-to-bumper aint no joke. It's hella tiring. After all that driving, I wanna get to work and have a power nap! I need a place fast!

Meanwhile, the adventures of Kp and Cutie are feeling more and more like the five stages of grief. And I may have mentioned this before but it feels like we're about to reach a climax... I caught the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy today. And everybody was beat up over George's death. Meredith, the narrator, spoke of Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance...

After hanging out with Cutie on Friday, I felt the way I usually felt after a typical night out with him. I felt more in love (can't believe that's still possible). I felt closer to him. I felt more heart-break at having to part ways. An overwhelming sadness...

As the five stages of grief we're discussed on Grey's, I automatically equated their loss of George, to mine. The loss of us, of Cutie. I've often thought that the only way to really get past this is to deal with it like death. Coz death leaves you with no options. Eventually, you must accept and carry on.

With a(n amicable) break-up, you may circle around various stages of grief, before you actually suck it up and get over it. How many times have I been in denial? Explaining and excusing his behaviour even when he was hella deceitful. Here I am, loving him more that ever. I've also been angry more times than I care to remember. But I don't believe in anger so more accurately, it was how I dealt with feelings of rejection, being ashamed and feeling like I'm not good enough. I lashed out... And once I had calmed down, I began to bargain it out in my head. The feelings of wanting him near, would not go away so instead of dealing with it, I excused it all and figured that it wouldn't be that bad to hang out and lo and behold, like clockwork, we always picked up where we left off... And now that he's determined to take on 2010, without me by his side, in the quest to be "the man that I deserve"... He's left me so sad. It reminds me of when I was 17 and I was crazy about this guy that had a girl. He cheated with me and within weeks, deserted me. By that time, I was hooked. And I cried for months, way into my first year of varsity...

This Cutie Depression brings good news and bad news. Now that I'm at this stage, I'm clearly or theoretically getting closer to accepting the situation. On the other hand, there could be months of tears ahead especially if the past few months are anything to go by! Either way, I wish 2010 would fly by...

Day 01 - 05 : 2010- The Year of the Hustler

2010-01-05T09:36:00.000-08:00

I realise that as per 2008, I let my life become my work during the second half of last year. I almost cared too much. Don't get me wrong.. I have learnt soooo much about TV production in the past six months and I'm at a place that I had not even dreamt of - both behind and in front of the camera... But that came at a price. Not that I regret it much I mostly regret not documenting that journey...

But even if I had had the time to do so... I doubt I would've been able to capture it the way I would have preferred to. Simply because my mind has been on Cutie 24/7 when it was not on work. Even when I was supposed to be working, I found myself drifting. Fortunately I also learned how to use work to get my mind of the drama of Kp and Cutie.

Well,that never-ending love-story may has finally had its curtain-call. It may not be the final one but it will probably be a while til Cutie and I are back on-stage together again. The last couple of weeks saw us fall soooo madly in love. In reality, we had always been in love but this time we admitted to ourselves out loud! It was so good! But then reality came a knocking and our fairy-tale was dashed by him insisting that he needs a year to get away from all the drama. All of it.Including me.

And as much as I wanted to be part of the solution, truth is I am very much apart of his drama-infested life. Granted I was the best part but he needs the space. And as much as I keep crying, I know it's only right that he finds himself without me clogging his mind-space. Coz I only want his happiness... Happiness with me would be a bonus.. but he's such an awesome person, he deserves to find it... like they often say.. it's gonna get much worse before it gets much better...

In his head, we'll reunite and be able to fully be together in a year's time... I'm not so sure. Coz working on a daily live celebrity show has taught me that a year is a long time. Each day is so hectic in TV-land that it feels like an entire week! Anyway, I've let him go.. I'm letting him go..civilly with his best interests at heart..it's not like I had a choice.. he's hella determined...so I'ma let him d it and see what happens..if anything, he'll realise how much he misses me. So I'ma give him the space to ache with the feeling of "need"! Lol! Seriously! He actually had the audacity to say that he hopes that I won't hook up with a random in order to get over this. I was like but dude, it's the easiest way...

Anyway.. so now I'm tryna figure how I'll keep my mind off him during the next 365 days... coz when I wasn't working, I was working him..lol..so now what?! I need a fierce distraction! Dr Phil would suggest sitting in my bad feelings til I have resolved them. Sure! What fun! Let's do exactly that! What don't kill you, only makes you stronger, right?

I have major plans for this year so that should keep me busy... and everytime I wanna holla at him, I'll be sure to do sit-ups instead! I wanna give radio another shot... take tV to another level.. push the KMS brand..get my dam drivers license..get my own crib ie move out.... it's gonna be major... and oh yes... get over Cutie!

Day 297-304: Where Do Palpitating Hearts go? Part II

2009-11-26T04:35:00.000-08:00

He had stepped out of the car and he had left his phone behind. Before this, I would never had gone through his phone but he occasionally goes through mine and I needed to see that him and M were really just friends. So I went to his inbox.

All these I LOVE YOU messages from some number saved under some weird name... Let's call it A. For a while, I stopped breathing as I quickly scanned though the texts... Lots of them. So many that it was a while til I say my name and mind you, I had texted him last night. There were so many lovey-dovey texts I got the feeling that he had to be responding or even initiating chats of a similar fashion. I quickly checked his Sent Items and there wasn't a shred of evidence. Very strange. Maybe he doesn't save his outgoing messages. Or maybe he just has much to hide. Either way, its just dodge. I have the exact same phone and all my messages are automatically saved with lil to no memory issues.

So I checked his outgoing calls and he had called A just 30 minutes before all this. I took the number and called it off my own phone after changing my settings to private number. So brat answered the phone. I figured that to be M's cheeky, disrespectful lil brother. His name must be A. He confirmed it but he wouldn't let me speak to M without me giving him a name first. I was on the verge of tears, gasping for air, so I stopped begging him and hung up.

I put Cutie's phone back in its original spot and tried to remain calm as my head spun. Cutie took forever to come back. It felt like forever. But it was probably only five minutes. I was even able to call P and sob into the phone and even calm myself. Tears only came when I spoke about it. By the time he had returned, I was calmer.

But he still took one look at me and knew that something was wrong. I couldn't even look at him. And I swear that my supper was creeping its way up my throat. Gross. I felt ill. I had the shakes. My heart was beating fast and my stomach was performing sommersaults. Not cool. I jus wanted to run at that point. Run far away. Pretend that I don't know.

He stepped out again. This time he took his phone. And that's when I knew that he knew that I knew. When he returned, I remained quiet except for when I was talking to P on the phone, tryna find out where she is so that I can tell her what just transpired.

I had so much to say to him but no words came out. My head was flooded with his betrayal. I needed to forget. So bad. No such luck hence why I'm awake at 04.12. Well, as soon as P heard the story, she was all for me calling her and getting the facts. I was too shaken to call. My voice was trembling and so was my body... In 30 degree celcios heat. For those few minutes I was a freak of nature.

So P called her. No bratty answer on the other end. M answered and after a brief explanation that Cutie is a colleague that P thinks is cheating- M was ready to talk. Although I have a feeling that she wasn't telling the entire truth as far as the depths of her relationship with him.

Discrepancy 1:
M stays in the West, not the South.
Discrepancy 2:
M says that her and Cutie are best friends. This is news to me.
Discrepancy 3:
M was sick with an ulcer not a gynea infection. He told me that's what she had.
Discrepancy 4:
M says that she hasn't seen Cutie in a week. He told me he was with her last night, dropping off meds.
Discrepancy 5:
M says that Cutie has been dating N for three years since tertiary. He's never mentioned an N and if I hadn't seen it on the pharmacy bill, I would've been even more shocked.

So now what? He missed called me at about 23.30. I was sleeping at that time. Fortunately. P's conversation with M took place just before 20.30. I'm sure M told him about the 3rd Degree. He had three hours to cook up a story. Now we wait. Coz I really don't know what to say to him. And I hate that he has forced me to play "CHEATERS" and policeman! And yet I'm hoping for an explanation but I know that's not possible. And now, I just feel like vomiting, throwing up all my bad feelings.

Day 298-304: Where Do Palpitating Hearts Go? Part I

2009-11-26T03:16:00.000-08:00

The other day (Monday I think), my supervisor who is a lil loony walked in and said that she had a dream or nightmare that I walked into work and complained that I was anxious. The way she told the story, you could tell that she woke up in a state. To top it all off, she alluded to being right when she has "dreams" like that. I was a lil freaked but mostly dismissive coz she's so damn dramatic so I take her declarations with a pinch of salt coz they so damn laughable. It was rather absurd coz I was feeling so good, so good, so good, so good... Cutie and I were working through some thangs... I was feelin positive about my goals and the new week... I had a good rest over the weekend and my kids' Nativity play had gone very well. I was, for the lack of a better word, "happy". And mind you- I hate to just throw that word around... I guess right now, that feeling was the closest thing to happy compared to the way I'm feeling now.

Not even two days later, here I am. ANXIOUS as fk.

I've told lots of stories about Cutie's deceit before. So I'm hella embarrassed and humiliated to be here again after I had mistakenly thought that we were making progress. I was even thinking that maybe LOVE has to hurt so that you can tell how good it feels. It's like sunshine after a long bout of chilly rain. You ache for it to tingle all over your body...

Well, Cutie has been going through some things as far as his ex-gf is concerned. Lets call her M. She is apparently in a very bad space, complete with a unsupportive family, bad health and no job. The way he explained it is that even though he was over it, he felt that he couldn't just abandon her the same way that all her other tertiary buddies had. Now it takes a strong woman to be ok with the guy she digs playing Nurse to his ex. Even I couldn't deal with it but I dealt with it. I even asked to meet her. This has yet to happen. And after revelations from seven hours ago, I doubt it ever will.

So Cutie had taken M to the doc to get checked out. No medical aid means hefty private health bills so I contributed a lil something something. Despite his mild objections, he took the money and saw the doc yesterday. When he returned, he showed me some of the meds. And now that I've thought about it, when I look at the pills, I naturally checked the name on the slip, half-expecting it to say M's first name but instead it was a long-ass African name... N. I thought maybe she signed up with her real name, not her slave name so I let i go but the whole time as he was narrating the doctor's appointment, I felt that he wasn't telling me something. Just a hunch. And I said as much. He denied. I asked repeatedly and eventually just blamed it on paranoia.
Even though, I know better. My ex-flame from two years ago, who, ironically enough, has been hollering at me recently... Well, he used to say "paranoia is also instinct". I didn't get then but now I do but as I've said before, instinct is only proven after the fact...

While Cutie and I were talking and making out, my fears about M sorta disappeared. Coz he was with me, I guess. Well, during the kissing, I got all emotional and for the life of me, I couldn't understand why I was on the verge of tears... And neither could he...

I figured it out during the ride home... All that I wanted seemed like it was finally coming together... It seemed like a certain reality that we'd end up together like normal folk coz he was even talking about cutting ties with M. He said it would be "the right thing to do" even though it would hurt her. I didn't quite understand. Now I sorta do.

But back to that in a sec... My emotional moment came from me being scared of being hurt again by him coz I could feel myself fallin harder n harder. I explained that to him and apologised profusely for my girly-pants attitude... He said it's ok... I'm an awesome person. Naturally.

When we spoke today, he said that he had dropped off M's pills last night and she was coming along nicely. Relief. My show didn't go too well coz my presenter failed to pitch and had to be replaced withing five minutes to air... So imagine my sheer disappointment. Cutie tried to perk me up. And he did. Just the sight of him achieved exactly that.

Until all hell broke loose...

Day 245-297: Strength is Best!

2009-11-18T21:31:00.001-08:00

You'd swear by my last post that my life is centred round this guy. Well, it's not. Well, not entirely. I still get go to work for an ELEVEN hour day and make live television on the daily... Four days out of five, I'll even go home after work and fight with my mother. I also get to go out with my BFF and meet dumbass niggas that are only impressive withing the first week. After those seven days, one is inclined to, as Jigga would put it, "move on to the next". Coz niggas are dismally disappointing... Or maybe I'm in love with somebody else... Details... Details...

With all this recession talk, I'm seriously suprised that nobody took the time to tell us how a bad global economy doesn't just affect your finances, it also affects your relationships. Coz what's the one thing that makes people disagree?! Money! Cold hard cash! Now that I've finally realised how money, especially the lack of it, can have such devastating effects, I'm a lil lost as what to do.

My mom and I pretty much fight on the regular about the same thing. She wants more of it from me, I'm a lil reluctant to give it. In my head, I need to save. In her head, household expenses have pretty much doubled in size and they need to be paid now, not in the future.

We've discussed... er... argued it often enough that she now wants me out the house. She figures I need to go see what it's like in the outside world without Mommy miraculously providing everything I need.

Yeah, can you believe it!? I've been kicked out of home. Ouch! Now what?! Gotta find a spot... This is also proving to be an uphill battle. A lil like getting my dam drivers license. Fuck! I'm so annoyed... Between work and everything in between, I'm pretty much just dealing with work... And Cutie.... So now what?

Day what???

2009-11-15T21:48:00.001-08:00

***I don't even know which day we on anymore but I have finally blogged... will try again tomorrow... I think if I keep it shorter... I'll get more out... coz there'll be no pressure to be comprehensive... hopefully it makes sense....***

It's been a crazy few weeks... I mean when is it not?! So I've gone through a range of emotion. From humiliation to disgust to hate to sheer depression... I would say anger but we all know that's not a real emotion... I couldn't have hated Cutie even if I wanted to. Even after all this time. Goodness knows that he's rejected me enough times to warrant some sort of dislike. But I couldn't even manage that. Well, not in the sense that made me love him any less or care any less. Instead I'd have moments when I'd wish that I'd never met him. Coz the "outta sight outta mind" concept was not working out so well.

So I took to forgetting the way any other nigga would. No, not narcotics. Or even alcohol. And food really don't work for me when I'm sad. And I can only have so much chocolate. My drug of choice is male affection and attention. So I started dating some other niggas who were willing, very willing... Desperately willing, to provide everything that Cutie was failing to. I jumped at the opportunity. Dude... And it was a complete bonus that he got jealous and all weird about my swift method of moving on. As Miss Jackson would say

"You dunno watchu got til it's gone..."

A part of me will admit that my heart was hoping for that sorta reaction but in my head it made no difference. There was no way that I could ever be with him again, after he had betrayed my trust like that. No matter how he explained it or how much I hoped, truth is his ex girlfriend had been apart of our pseudo-relationship since the very beginning... So what do we have, really?! What I thought we had was broken into a million lil pieces and seriously how can you even begin to fix what never existed. And that trust and friendship on which I so heavily depended upon turned out to be no friendship at all... Because of zero honesty... Dude! I couldn't even look at him coz in my mind, he was no friend of mind.

And yet my heart continued to feel for him and I wondered if I couldn't just work around this. Still be his friend even though he made for a shitty one... But we all know my heart was just seeking out a way to make him see the light.... Which is "I can be your friend and your lover... The best you've ever had"... That reverse-psychology bullshit. This made me feel sadder. Like seriously. The guy has been lying to you forever and yet you still wanna be there.... Clearly I was going through my own haphazard DABDA! Plently DENIAL... the concept of not being good enough manifesting itself as ANGER.... We also tried some BARGAINING much to my annoyance... Just coz I didn't wanna lose him and I desperately wanted this to work coz starting again with somebody else didn't appeal to me if anything, it exhausted me. Made me never wanna fall again coz it's just way to painful. But didn't I deserve better... And you only get better once you've put in the effort... As my mom likes to say... Good things come to those who wait...

I then went through a stage when I was hella sad... Guess you could call it mild DEPRESSION... Ironically enough, I would plummet into the depths of it when I was with another dude... When these new dudes would kiss me... I would automatically pretend they were Cutie just so I could get through it.... But it was not the same. It was not him. No matter how how hard I tried or how hard I wished. It was still some random. Or worse, some sexual hit. Made me feel cheap with my emotions and mostly made me feel like a user. Like two wrongs don't make a right so karma is sure to make me pay.

Hence this final stage of ACCEPTANCE. I'm still in love with him. And kissing him the other night, after all these months, confirmed that. Coz this time, when we kissed, I wasn't picturing anybody else. It was where I've wanted to be. And here I was... Yay! This also means accepting that I can't make out with random niggas to forget him or to numb my hurt, my pain, my frustration... I have to deal with it.... Either be with it or get over huh... Either way, I'm required to do it without hurting somebody else plus it don't feel as good. It never will. And I'll keep looking for the high by doing more and more hectic things when really, he's the only one that can fill me up with what I'm really craving. Him.
Whether we hook up or not, the truth has made me be okay with needing him and not being over it. What's meant to be will be so I gotta jus stop fighting love... And jus be.

Day 238-244: Ain't It Funny...

2009-09-27T22:45:00.001-07:00

One of my all time favorite J.Lo jams is the "Ain't It Funny" remix... Back when JA was still hot and I was closet J.Lo fan... Til today, I have most of her albums and I know more songs than I should ever admit to knowing... But I digress... The song goes...

Ain't it funny/ Baby that you want me/ When you had me/ Love is crazy/ I'm glad I can smile and say...

The past week began as dramatic as ever... I hardly said two words to Cutie all day not out of spite but more detached busy-ness... Well, when P caught a ride of with him that night... She let it "slip" that I had met somebody. To be honest, I expected him to react all....
Nonchalant in front of an audience...
But he was everything but... He wanted details of what Chocolate looks like, if he's cute etc.

Ya know Cutie was so curious, he didn't even wait til we had some privacy to ask me who Chocolate is. He pretty much asked in front of P! Seriously? Seriously. I was like acting dumb... Inside I'm on some... well, if you don't take care of home, somebody else will...

Later on when we were alone, he asked me what's up. I told him the truth. Met a dude who likes me a lot and quite frankly I could use the distraction. Cutie seemed to get some sort of snug satisfaction from not being entirely forgettable. He also urged me to leave Chocolate coz the timing is off. In hindsight, his advice was quite irritatingly ironic.

Coz here I am.... Contemplating a way out of my quickie relationship. Thing about Chocolate.... He is ghetto... One of them Soweto cats who are loud, obnoxious and seemingly loaded but anything but. To top it all off.... He is the complete opposite of articulate.... The past few days with him have made me realise that as much as I'm a sucker for some sun-kissed skin... I'm also into charm and fluency and a gorgeous natural smile... I'm not a fan of gold... Much less a nigga who's first language isn't English. I have no problem with a dude that speaks vernacular well but let that not come at the expense of the Queen's Language... Please.

Day 231-237 [Day 3/90]: When one door closes...

2009-09-20T06:23:00.000-07:00

On Thursday, Cutie and I finally closed the door on us. I pleaded my case for the last time and he explained for the last time. I cried for the last time. And he held me for the last time. Twas hella painful and I wondered how I would get through a whole day of work on Friday. I hardly managed all morning. Calmed down into the afternoon and was all perked up by the evening, looking forward to dancing off all the bad vibes. I got my face made up and headed downtown, hoping for a slight case of amnesia.

I figured with some liquid courage and professional make-up, I could do like the alchies and

fake it til (I) make it

I put my hurt on the back burner and for the first hour I danced as though my life depended on it... Fortunately I got to a point where I didn't have to pretend anymore coz the DJ started playing some decent music. And then when it was time to leave.. I was keen to stay but P was keen to bounce so we did but if I could, I would have delayed the whole thing. Coz I was not keen to got to the neighbouring club and deal with ego-trippin' shlebs...

We swindle our way into the VIP coz we hadn't really planned on being there. And all the people I'd rather not see were in there. Naturally. Thank goodness for the open bar. Now that made me smile. I was also keen to head to the main section of the venue with the regular folk so that my interrupted freestyle choreography could resume... coz I was sure that I was not about to meet a new dude... I might score a make-out session but really meet a good man... hadn't even occurred to me, not in my frame of mind. In fact when I bumped into Shorty... I started to think okay cool.. .I ain't gotta deal with a new nigga, just deal with the one that fkd up before. No expectations there.

But lo and behold- his friend started hollering at me. And I'm looking at this dude like...excuse me homie but do I know you? But this nigga did not let up. And I ended up spending the next three to four hours with him. Talking n stuff... Yeah that other stuff too. But the crazy bit is that he kept saying he knows who I am but I had no freakin clue. In fact, everybody knew who the hell he was but me! I must have gotten like five thousand different description of what he does... the most accurate being that he is a SOCIALITE!? lol! ait so before I know it... I'm feelin' this dude... and I even start to think that maybe gettin' to know him wouldn't be sucha bad idea... but then I started thinkin' wtf.. I just parted ways with the guy who was supposedly the man of my dreams... moving on so quickly? is that right? shouldn't I get used to being alone first so that I don't go into this with madd issues?

anyway..excuse me for getting ahead of myself... but this nigga was already asking me out on this very night! Twas hard not to get carried away... He was like we should be together and date and stuff coz he wants to be my man! Woah! Nigga! slow yo roll! I don't even know who you are... but I'll admit I'm keen to find out... coz he was able to do the impossible... get me out of a ditch! I had fun..lots of it... and Cutie wasn't even a factor.. how's that for interesting?

Question is..is this for real? or some sort of crazy punk'd scene? it seems way to easy and I know that heartbreak is never this easy... so now what...
well, let's give this dude a pseudonym for starters.. how about 'Perkie'? Coz he managed to perk me up..plus he's perked up...if you catch my drift....

Actually... let's call him 'Chocolate' coz he has this awesome, glowing brown skin that I'm a complete sucker for.. plus I'm feeling some heartburn... it makes me forget his gold cap for a second. Yeah, I forgot to mention that...and hopefully he'll get rid of it... jus in case things get serious.. so there you go... I've met somebody..;lready.. and I'm tryin not to like him but there's huge potential (for the biggest distraction [n more])coz he's dope. But before we get ahead of ourselves..let's see what the new week brings... after a our text chat last night... during which I passed out.. mm... I know..not very nice of me...

Also had to deal with Shorty hollerin' at me when he could see that Chocolate was tryna holla! How wack! And I had no clue how to deal with it coz Shorty n I have a past and I can't be rude to him coz I just met a random dude. Twas super wierd and conflicting so even though I could see that Shorty was jus tryna cock-block his buddy out of sheer pretence not interest (he even called the following night to check if I got home all right- dodgy mothatrucka that one and I told him as much! And of cos he pleaded ignorance! Nigga please! Nobody lookin for a KanYe interuption here!), I didn't know how to deal with it coz I had no clue how to include Chocolate in the conversation which was totally irrelevant to him. At least I figured as much coz I dunno what this nigga does!

So the following day, I had to call n apologise coz truth is, as he kindly pointed out, if the roles had been reversed ie he had been ignoring me in front of his ex-flame.. I woulda flipped. He forgave me and later on, last night...he texted me and told me how much he missed me... I had passed out on the couch so I had to apologise for the delay and let him know that he had been on my mind for much of the day... coz of Jill Scott's sweet words... four minutes later, he asked which song (Not That Crazy).. by that time... I had passed out.. After church...I tried to explain to a nigga that I failed to reply timeously coz of my chronic exhaustion... he has yet to reply. I think we may be facing a subtle pay-back...

Regardless...I've decided to now extended this blog to the whole year... in fact let's break down the countdowns to mini-countdowns that include what's happening in my life. If Choc n I really do happen to make it work ie get over my excessive apologies... I am gonna go about this properly. I will follow Steve Harvey's rules, including the 90 DAY rule. And I will leave if I start hearing some dodgy things. This time, there is no room for funny behaviour coz I am wide awake from the get go.

If nigga doesn't holla back by the end of the day.. I will take that as a big fat hint! And we won't need the 90 day clock anymore. Plus that will probably kill the plans we made for Friday.. yeah..yesterday already, Nigga was on some, watchu doing on Friday... very cute....I was like I dunno..it's SATURDAY so he insisted that we stay in touch despite my 'working 24 hours a day'..that's what he calls it... it may as well be exactly that!

Day 194 - 230: Part Two....

2009-09-13T16:31:00.001-07:00

I can't possibly have to go through meeting another dude, get excited, take the financial and emotional time to learn what he's all about, take all the necessary precautions to try to not to fall too quickly, end up fallin' anyway and be left alone picking up the pieces.

Can I just settle down already? Please? I'm tired of playing love games. I'm ready to just love and chill out a sec. Safe in the arms of love. I know this is cheesy as fuck but it's true.

Maybe that's too much pressure for Cutie. I dunno then why the fuck did we meet and connect? Why can't I stop thinking about him? Why can't we stay away from each other? Why?

Why is it that he is able to send me an emails saying that I'm always on his mind? That he misses me. How come he told me he loves me? That he loves to be around me? That when I cried about us, he cried too? Why is it that- if he's only gonna turn around and break my heart even when I'm willing to wait!? I don't understand! How can I hate him when I love him? One half of him at least. The half that understands but is clearly not willing to fight the other dude's bullshit.

This breaks my heart over and over coz I know he feels what I feel but he almost reminds me of when I had just started therapy and a recurring theme was my subconscious belief that I deserved no happiness. That I had to carry the worries of my parents, especially my mom. Cutie does that with his family and I'm no professional psychologist so I have no clue how to get through to him.

Plus how am I to know that that is truly the issue here? That he needs me to help him through it... Does he even want my help or am I jus being a pushy know-it-all. Dunno. I jus wanna run away at this point and forget that he ever existed or mattered.

Day 194 - 230: Part One...

2009-09-13T16:14:00.001-07:00

Yet another month without a blog. I'm tired of making excuses for not regularly posting stuff and I'm sure you're tired of hearing it. I'll tell you this much however... Many people have been able to figure who's who behind some of my cleverly crafted pseudonyms so as much as I would love to share, it's hella difficult to do so which makes blogging a drag even when I do have time... Which is never! I find pleasure in writing with no holds barred... It's absolute freedom especially coz my life is an absolute circus but as much as I'd love to share, I can't risk the wrong people knowing too much about me or those that I innocently mention in this space. That wouldn't be fair to them or their/my hard work and endeavours. Nevertheless here goes...

Just this Friday, I found out that Cutie was busy exchanging "I miss you's" with some chic during the first month of our thing. He would also hang with her and such. I asked him about it and he said that they're just friends, been friends since high school and even though she been feelin' him, he told her, he ain't keen to go down that road with her coz of his long list of never-ending issues....

You see, there are a few things that I don't get about this nigga and because I have trouble saying what I need to say face to face ie all of these epiphanies hit me whenever he's not around, I've decided to try figure it out here. I'ma compare his two egos. Coz I almost feel that he may have some MPD situation going on.

As much as my pride hates to admit, there's a part of Cutie that lights me up from the inside out. It's ten times more lethal than the lust he makes me feel. It's the way a best friend makes you feel. That complete and utter happiness. I love to see him smile. I love making him laugh. So this side of him makes me wanna be around him all day. And we don't even have to talk. We can jus be. Watch the sky. Hold hands. Make out. Watch a movie. I remember when we first met, there was this insane electrical energy between us and when we held hands, when we kissed- sparks flew. In extreme circumstances, our eyes would meet and I would feel it too.

In the past three months that I've known him, another side has come out. A side that almost tries to kill his/our pursuit of happiness. It's the side that pushes me away. The side that tells me it doesn't wanna be with me. It's the side that's quite content to walk away.

So I do what any Miss Independent would do... I pack and I prepare to leave and everytime I'm near the door, the good side reaches out to me and begs me to stay in not so many words but actions. Maybe I see what I wanna see, I dunno but I'll try keep some distance between us and he'll come find me for some random conversations about life.

Now when you care about somebody, it goes against every fibre of your being to tell them to 'fuck off'. The last thing you wanna do is tell them to take a hike coz the reality is that you want them near. So instead of listening to logic, I'd allow him in again and when it was time to discuss us, he would push me away and gimme all these reasons why we shouldn't be together. Meanwhile I have a blogful of reasons why we must try. But he wouldn't hear it. His evil side always vetoed his inner conflicts despite my tears. Despite my pleading, my reasoning, my sex... Lol. It was all in vain and jus when I thought I can't keep doing this, I found out that he felt that I should wait for him to get his mind right.

Before, that had never even been featured as an option. Until he said that if the tables were turned, he would be honoured to wait for me. Who would fuck off after that?! I couldn't. I hadn't even been able to begin to follow through so I took a plunge in the deep end, drew some inspiration from Sade's words as she sang...
I still really really love you
Love is stronger than pride...

This went against my control freak mentality. It's like walking in the dark with all these legitimate but insane questions dizzying my head... Like what if I wait for him and he in the mean time meets somebody else? I've heard of many stories where the chic makes the nigga a better person but he goes and shares his new self with his new chic... How's that for a thank you very much?

I realise that life has no guarantees. I try to live day to day. I try to share that philosophy with him but he can't stop living in the past and even the future. So the present is fucked. And unfortunately that's where I am so we can't manage to see eye-to-eye.

There's a part of me... The logical, prudent side I guess... That is certain that I must just cut my losses and hit the road. This side reckons I'm being used and I should stop thinking about his feelings and consider the damage I'm causing to myself instead by constantly giving him a chance to reject me and hurt me over and over again.

Not even friends do that. And you're willing to wait?! Seriously! Girl wake the fuck up!

I can explain. A fairytale beginning can't possibly have sucha shitty ending. can it?!

Day 184-193: Spending Women's Day at the HeartBreak Hotel...

2009-08-09T02:59:00.001-07:00

My heart is in a million pieces. Haven't felt so cut open since my grandma's death. Maybe for the first time in my life, I met somebody that I felt I could go the long haul with. None of that nagging doubt existed. In fact, it felt so real, so authentic, so tangible that I let myself get completely lost in it. Like rolling in grass and letting it cover you all over. Absolutely unconcerned about cleaning up afterwards.

Let my guard down. Took off my gloves and got dirty with it. So much so that the mere thought of what has been, of what night have been leaves me heaving for air. Tearful and broken.

No woman, no cry/ Everything's gonna be all right... I know I'll be ait. But I'm still reeling from being forced to walk away from what could've been, what must've been... love... If I could, I'd just let go. Make it as simple as dropping a book or whatever. Be dismissive as though I'm angry. But my heart still yearns for him so I'm still dealing with that.

As he suggested friendship, it felt as though, he was attempting to cushion the breaking of my heart. But it was too late. It was already shattered into countless bits. And the tears made them slippery to the touch. So he couldn't possibly pick em up and fix it. The dampness first has to dry. The pain first has to cease. And the fragility mend.

So I put the pieces of my heart into a box and went shopping instead. Even watched Next Day Air. Bullshit African-American cinema. My brain was numb. My legs felt like pieces of lead with the menstrual pains shooting through them and my tummy. And as much as I wanted to let loose, forget and enjoy myself, I kept thinking of him, I kept tearing up. In public!? Horror of horrors! So I shifted things into high-gear! I decided that I'm gonna get a tattoo. And I woulda gotten it if the salesperson had been a little bit more encouraging and his designer was around. By then I was pumped! I was itching to move on! And I was really and truly excited about something! Much better than being low and depressed.

And that's when things picked up. A very cute guy from some skater shop caught my attention. He was very adorable but either slow or heavily affected by the KP effect. And if he ever makes it on to these pages again then we'll call him Whitie coz he of where he works and the white dudes he appears to hang with. And yes, he's in keeping with the light-skinned dude theme. Can you believe it?! Will we ever go back to chocolate?!

I was tempted to give him my digits but I figured that he has a girlfriend or a somebody that he is busy getting over. Woah! Talk about jilted! Safer to expect the worse and never have to try. Wow... Thanx Cutie for that messed up way of thinking. He also told me that his gut says that we shouldn't be together. That felt really good, might I add. How he had all these reasons why we mustn't do this but he hadn't thought it beneficial to think about why it might work. For that... Just that... Fuck that nigga! Especially after claiming to love me but being ready to just let us go! Fuck him! Wish I could forget the past two months. Wish I could be driven to drugs and booze. Just so I can lapse into some amnesia!

Experience has taught me that the fastest way out of the HeartBreak Hotel is via somebody else. Although it's probably your fastest way back there! Coz feelings don't just die because somebody doesn't want you back. They either lessen over a period of time or they get transferred onto the next person. Now, do we really want that?

So next weekend, I'll return to the skater store and if Whitie is there... I'ma take it as a sign and I'll give him my digits. Now, to just get through the week and seeing Cutie. You see why I wanna go on holiday.

Day 154-180 (+3): I AM KOPANO!

2009-07-30T18:48:00.000-07:00

The last month has been insane and for the most part, I ain't where I wanna be. Sure, I'm being challenged on the daily by this new gig and I'm all about being challenged to the max. But I've never ever ever been this stressed out. I guess it's only fitting that LIVE TV is the third most stressful job in the world. Sure, I got to meet DJ DRAMA but really now...Does that make it worth it..?!
I asked to be challenged, not to go out the same way as Michael Jackson (with a dam heart attack). I mean I'm currently in a space that saw me be unable to blog for over a month because things are that hectic and crazy and insane and BUSY! And all I really wanna do is put on some Marvin Gaye and

get it on

! I would be so lucky. Cutie is still trippin'. So I'm working on moving on coz really he's awesome and everything but I am way too fwine to be dealing with another pseudo-relationship. Apparently I'm supposed to give him time.. I'm like what time, time to hurt me some more... reject me some more... how much punishment can a girl take. If there's one thing that I have learnt during the last 180 days is that you shouldn't ever waste your time with a nigga that won't be there. If he's trippin, do yourself a favour and be out! I realise that it's not that simple but I also know that waiting on him to change is stoopid especially when he has told you wassup. Let it go and let him stay with his undecided self.

Naturally, I'm having some trouble practicing what I preach. I can't seem to stay away from him. (And it probably doesn't help that we work together.) To the point where I'm on some maybe I should just hang out with him, he'll come around. Or maybe, we can just be friends?! Or maybe, he just ain't that into me and my punkass just needs to make peace with that! Aaaargh! The frustration! And what if I do walk away and it ends up being the biggest mistake of my life?! Like that chick from The Bachelorette, Deanna! This nigga that she was really fallin' for exasperated her to such a degree that she ended up telling him to go jump even though she dug him so! He wrote her a letter declaring his feelings but it was too late. But was it?! Should she have been a lil more enduring? DAMN Niggas who push a woman to that point!
Like
Shorty. He tried to holla at me, the other day. I was like nigga please, you done fucked up, a minute ago. It's too late! It's so late that I'm even considering cutting ties with new dude! Now here's Cutie following the exact same script. Like him and Shorty bin sharing notes! It's simple really, I'm done! The next nigga I meet, best have his story sorted. I ain't about to deal with your issues and I don't wanna hear it. You wanna be with me? Cool. You don't? Get the fuck out!

I'ma be hardcore now coz I've realised that my being open has also made me a lil naive. Fairy-tales only exist in books. I ain't the exception.

As far as my radio career is concerned, I haven't been offered anything by the station from a DJ point of view. When I found out on Thursday, I felt my world crash around me. That sucked. I was really hoping that I would be given the opportunity to take on the training slots but alas, I've been asked to submit a demo instead. Didn't know how to react to that. That hurt. But I'll do as required.

Then there's TV... dunno hey...I'm in two worlds...and boy do I need a holiday!

Day 139-153: Untitled.

2009-07-01T22:34:00.001-07:00

I've always thought it to be such a cop-out when artists can't just name their products. I've always found the use of the term 'untitled' to be the unnecessary pretence of so called 'depth' within the arts. And here I am, using the very same word. how hypocritical. Truth is, it's been a minute since I last blogged so I finding it difficult to reduce the past fortnight into a silly phrase especially since the 180 Days are drawing to an end. So In spite of my being conscious that I may be thinking emotionally because of my PMS, I now see how artists may feel that a title, in its simple words, fails to honor the experience, whether good or bad. If anything, the words disrespect it by being so shallow. And that's where the depth of thought lies. Well, if writers felt so strongly about everything, they would probably never write. Hence writer's block. The insistence on the perfect translation. And that's why film was created...

That just dawned on me now... Speaking of which... Let's recap... With the radio internship winding down, I'm happy to say I'm creating the best radio of my life. My links are short and punchy and fun and cool... although I gots to work on my um's and er's and slickness... but for the most part, I really believe that I'm sounding better than ever. I even received my first batch of hate mail, thanx to the internet humour surrounding MJ's passing. Now you know what they say, you ain't ish until you've got haters. I've finally relaxed enough to allow the real me to come out through my radio links. And for me that's the biggest accomplishment. I'm hopin that they gimme a proper on-air gig once the internship is over. I'm do my darnest to make it happen. If only there were enough hours in the day because since my new job, my radio endeavours have taken a beating... which makes me wonder... what is it that I really want? Could I possibly be biting of my nose to spite my face? Should I be concentrating on my radio gig especially as the gig draws to an end or concentrate on my new gig because of the latter?

As far as my new job is concerned... I just started at a TV production company on this brand new show. Unlike my previous TV gig... I work on content full-time now. I would prefer to be writing scripts and have far more control over content but they say that will come. Quite a bit goes into a TV show and I'm learning quite a bit. Very exciting to be part of something that has so much potential.

As far as Cutie is concerned... It's plenty deja-vu. Dating without the intimacy and titles. Like where do I meet these 'different' niggas that are commitment-phobic with trunks of baggage? Seriously? Is this God's way of telling me to stay away from the opposite sex. or is the Script-Writer outta ideas? I mean like attracts like... If these niggas be on that tip then clearly I ain't ready for a relationship either but then why am I so convinced of the opposite. How come I feel that I can be with one dude.. and make it work?! And yet I keep hitting a brick-wall by connecting with niggas that make me want to fall in love and be with them when they aren't so keen to do the same... What the hell is going on?

What I do know for sure is that beyond these niggas hold the key to my personal-development... I think... well, I hope... there's gots to be some sorta convoluted reason for all this drama... In which ever capacity. I wouldn't be able to deal with Cutie if I hadn't dealt with Shorty. But maybe I would prefer to not have had to deal with either dude... as much as I love zinging with new dude... I can't stand ll the drama! Can't I just meet a normal dude that digs me back and wants me without any hesitations or a haunting past!? Cumon already!

As far as my career is concerned... I just started at a TV production company on this brand new show. Unlike my previous TV gig... I work on content full-time now. I would prefer to be writing scripts and have far more control over content but they say that will come. Quite a bit goes into a TV show and I'm learning quite a bit. Very exciting to be part of something that has so much potential. And boy are we working hard to unleash it...

what else... I got as ride but I can't drive it coz I don't have a driver's license... lol...come to think of it... it's very much like dating somebody that you can't kiss and you can't call your boyfriend. Imagine all the pent up frustration! Dammit! I ain't about to return my car, instead, I'ma work at getting the right papers... is that how one should deal with Cutie? Get me some papers? the cred? the qualification? Earn the respect perhaps? Show my commitment? mm...

Day 131 -138: When It All Falls Down...

2009-06-16T16:07:00.000-07:00

I've spoken about those life-(altering)wedgies that come and take you by surprise just when you are beginning to love life. Or at least get into a rhythm.You know those times when everything is going right. You ain't fighting with nobody. Drama is down to a minimum. You've made peace with the stuff that you can't change. You're making major strides in the departments that you can control and on top of it all, you've met a new dude who makes the old dude look like a chump. A chump that didn't deserve your time in the first place. Your favourite song(s) keeps playing (The Dream-Rockin that Thang and Every Girl- Young Money and Drake-Best I Ever Had) and your crush digs you too so much that you can hardly believe your luck. But you don't believe in luck so you can hardly believe your destiny. Complete with an atom-bomb of good vibes, lust and like infused electricity! I call it ZING, he calls it chemistry! OMG... the chemical infusion happening within can't be good for you but it feels sooooo gooood!

And then all of a blue moon, the Script-Writer sends out a DEFCOM 5 [http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Defcon]! '

AY! Don't get too comfortable'

, He warns. It ain't ever that easy. It can't be, at least not for five days straight. And I know that. Well, I should. Perhaps, I was hoping for some sort of pleasant surprise. In fact, at the height of my euphoria, during the weekend, one of my tweets tentatively spoke of how...

I am a lil afraid to admit that I'm kinda sorta loving my life.

Dude! as soon as that tweet had been published, it all fell down. And yesterday, it all be came a lil too real that my life was still far from being the fairytale that I had been living for all but 24 hours. It was everything but. It was just another tear-jerking episode of a cheesy soapie. Or worse still, a reality show. Can't remember the last time I cried this hard. Heavy, soul-shaking, gut-wrenching, ugly sobs that grip at your core. You almost feel as though you could not only bawl forever but that if you weep hard enough, you'll cry out the very cancer that is making you feel so miserable. Almost hurl it up. More like sneeze it out! Not pretty I know. But I feel like this heartache is a thick chunk of black coal sitting at the bottom of my tummy. Pervading my insides.

Life perfect ain't perfect if you dunno what the struggle's for
Fallin' down ain't fallin' down if you don't cry when you hit the floor
It's called the past coz I'm getting past
And I ain't nothing like I was before...
You oughta see me now...
Yes, I was burnt so I call it a lesson learned
Mistake will return so I call it a lesoon learned
my soul has returned so I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned...

I guess the pressure had to get to me some time and these past couple of days proved to be the straw that broke the camel's back. From my less-than-impressive radio shows that I've been feeling less than awesome about. There's also my new nine to five which is probably at the single most dynamic production company in the country. Started there last week as a part of the content production team. So amped to be getting paid to be a creative. I get paid to write scripts and come up with ideas. Dude! How dope is that! I also work on scripts. Even though it is an opportunity and a half, I am having trouble working out a feasible timetable that will allow me ample sleep and balance. Man I need a ride!

Speaking of balance, Shorty been 'too busy' for me just when I needed some sort of escape the most, he suggested that we take it slow. If I didn't know better, I would say that he was calling things off without having to say as much. Well, actions speak louder than words and no matter how many times I tried to reach out and have him admit to wanting to end things, he won't talk about it or be man enough to say it's over. But I don't need him to confirm nothing coz one big fat indication is that we don't really see each other anymore. What's worse, I'm subjected to the occasional text. I deserve better. Luckily, I've had soooo much work to do, from the new gig to some freelancing work, that I couldn't quite deal with his stunts. But when I raised these concerns, I was met with a dismissive nonchalance. So I've done my bit really.

And just when I was tryna wrap my head around my drama, I met somebody. Like a week ago. Think Prince Charming in shining armour, (complete with the most delightful smile and the cutest ass. HOT DAMMM!) coming to remind me that life ain't all that excruciating. I'd actually forgotten what real butterflies feel like. And goodness knows that I had missed being really excited about somebody real. Besides Drake who, by the way, I'd totally marry. The mixtape So Far Gone got me through some heavy days. It polished my thick skin and reminded me that it's ok to hurt. Its ok to be disappointed. But that don't mean you should compromise on who you are. Fuck whoever that disagrees with you! Lol! But I digress...

We'll call new dude, Cutie, coz he is hella adorable. And from the moment we laid eyes on each other, I knew that I wanted to get to know him. If anything, it made me think or start to ponder upon the concept of love at first sight. Honestly it had never occurred to me that the notion was even a remote possibility yet there I was, completely engrossed in a stranger even before he had said two words to me. It makes for a dope blog and an even doper wedding story. Lol! You see how this situation had me talking crazy...

Well, those were the ol good days. That's the thing about falling quickly. You make the hurt that much more potent within a shorter period of time. But before we get to the bad part, Cutie and I went on our first and only date on Friday. Twas awesome. I completely immersed myself in this 'Something New'. I forgot Shorty, I forgot the world and I was allowed to be myself for the first time in a long time. And that's the most profound piece of this puzzle. I realise that I was beginning to lose myself by being in a dead-end relationship. Whether I was not really in it to begin with makes no difference because it took up my time, attention and energy, it had an effect whether I was aware of it or not. It was toxic and as much as I wanna deny it, it was killing my spirit and making me feel ashamed that I'm not in the sort of relationship that I would like for myself. I was not allowed to be me.

Dude I almost fell off my chair when Cutie hollered at me to say goodnight on Sunday. Shorty has never bothered to do that. It was such a foreign concept to me that I was completely shell-shocked and that's when it really dawned on me that I allowed myself to be treated like less for a while now.

During my brief time with Cutie, I remembered that I like to hold hands and make out and share and spend time with my significant other. With Shorty, I've had to curb my enthusiasm under the disguise of patience education coz he ain't a fan of PDA. Dude, it got to a point where the relationship was centred around him. And I didn't even realise but I hardly told him of my dreams and ambitions and worse, he never asked. Yeah, I learned to be patient but I also learned how to allow a nigga to run circles around me 101. Too whack. So I'm out. Can't believe I stood for it.

Well, as soon as Cutie had taught me that lesson, he also headed for the nearest exit. By last night, I was near tears as he told me how he didn't feel that he could be emotionally available for me coz he has to deal with his own crazy drama which includes getting over a two year relationship, his fear of being hurt again and the self-healing that he thinks he needs to embark on alone. I couldn't believe my ears. Like don't you feel what I'm feeling. How do you walk away when this is so so so special. And yet, he felt that was what's best. So I let him coz I can't force him. I don't know who to resent for feeling this way. The Script-Writer for making the feelings so strong? Or Cutie for not feeling that he can go the mile with me?

And as Drake asks... Is anything I'm doing Brand New? I wonder if my reaction to the Cutie situation was a lil OTT? Probably. and if so, why was I affected so? Why did I feel it? What's the lesson? I haven't felt like this and had to just shake it off. It's always been a faggot nigga that caused the drama and I always knew better than to pine for him but this is different. Or is it? I dunno anymore.

I guess it is time to try be alone. I think I been avoiding that status for a minute. Nobody wants to be lonely and single especially in the grip of a terrible winter but I know better than to waste my time on whackness just so that I can say that I'm dating somebody. Time to re-focus and re-arm and remember that this is about me. Couplin' would be cool but we will survive. Lol!

I've also been reading soon excerpts from Steve Harvey's Act Like A Lady, Date Like A Man. I've been compromising on my standards. It's so embarrassing to realise that I ain't been acting like the keeper that I be. It's fine. You live, you learn. So let the practicals begin...

And let's try get some stuff right this time...

Day 128-130: The Makings of an AMERICAN-African...

2009-06-09T21:33:00.000-07:00

Anyone on this site
Lately we have had a few enlightening surprises as far as our internship lectures are concerned.
Just last Thursday, we were joined by a learned individual from Poland who spoke like a Frenchman and his name was France... mm.. perhaps he is a secret agent.. those James Bond types...I enjoy meeting new people especially those from other parts of the world. I find that it brings the other side of the world to life. And goodness knows that besides living by the beach and becoming a rock star DJ/Writer, I wanna see the world...So bad... real bad Michael Jackson!
But I digress...

SA music is not defined by drums or whatever. SA music does not have to be deep intense, sad and introspective in order to be that. We can also snap our fingers and do the step... we can do it all by ourselves... lol

During this session, something quite profound occurred to me. Whether I think (South Africa's equivalent of Dem Franchize Boyz)Jozi or any other Akon wannabe is making authentic (South) African music is irrelevant. What rings true is that Jozi is an SA clique and therefore whatever music that they make lies beneath the SA music banner, regardless of my distaste for their obvious steez-bitin'.

We also had a focus group session with soem students from Columbia College. Plenty came into focus during the chill session with the Columbia College students. Five words. The blind leading the blind. My lack of self-identity and self-love stems from being an emotionally scarred African. The irony being that the very African-Americans that I wanna be like are anything but self-assured and self-aware as I make them out to be. So maybe the lesson is that I should look for me within me, not externally.

I've always thought that the same thought process exists with regards to the concept of The One. He or she lies within. And He or She is the Script-Writer. Coz everything comes back to Him.

But the question is... WHO AM I? WHO ARE WE?
We are often told to look to our past to figure who you be but really I refuse to define myself as the product of exploitation, abuse and apartheid. The black sheep of the family that nobody wanted.

So we gots to flip it right...
and embrace the positive side of the above. Yes, that crappy stuff happened but that can't be the only story I tell (Learnt that from this week's Grey's). That can't be the crux.
I am the strength and faith and resolve that managed to overcome the hardships of hectic oppression.
I am the epitome of all that overcomes and all that rises above.
I just need to connect with that wisdom, dig into it and soar!

Yho I should be a poet...

That's enough for today kids...
Tune in next time for another exciting episode of KP Angelou...
I leave you with a few words from one of the greatest lyricists alive/to ever live...

Rosa Parks sat so Martin Luther could walk
Martin Luther walked so Barack Obama could run
Barack Obama ran so all the children could fly
So I'ma spread my wings
YOU CAN MEET ME IN THE SKY!
-Jay-Z

*how apt is this considering that we are smack in the middle of YOUTH MONTH! Quite befitting.

**Sorry I went on forever again. I can't even touch on my show which happened today. I'll start a new blog entry for that. I'll keep it short...promise.. well, I'll try. No harm done I suppose. I guess I was just really moved which is always something to write home about... and boy did I...

Day 121-127: Kiss My Swag

2009-06-08T21:11:00.000-07:00

That's my new term. I've officially replaced "kiss my ass" with "kiss my swag". Simply in the interest of discharging the eeuuw factor.
And best of all it got published on URBANDICTIONARY.COM coz that's how much I rock... lol... and if you don't like it... you can KISS MY SWAG!

So here are the definitions if you still lost...

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Kiss%20My%20Swag

1. Kiss My Swag 1 thumb up A modern alternative to kiss my ass. A sarcastic comment said by those that are on the hustle and receive madd luv or madd hate for it.
Ignant Hater: I like your Lambo and all but it would look better if it was white....

Mandy: Negro please. Kiss my swag!
Ignant Hater bending over: just saying though...
Clueless Groupie: oh my gosh Jigga, I totally love that DOA joint.
Jay-Z: Go on and kiss my swag then!
Clueless Groupie: Oh my gosh! Totally!
kiss my ass fuck off whatever oh please so what
by KP-Spears Jun 6, 2009 share this

For all those that prefer to be brief and excel at text language... how's this for convenient...

http://kms.urbanup.com/4026570

2. KMS
An acronym for Kiss My Swag.
Stoopid Girl: I like your music and all but I think you need Soulja Boy on the hook...
Talib Kweli: Girl please. KMS!
Stoopid Girl, dragging on her gum with her talons: Nigga you ain't shit!

Dick Rider: Dude them kicks are too fresh!
The Man: You know This! KMS!
kiss my ass fuck off whatever oh please so what
by KP-Spears Jun 7, 2009 share this

So yeah... it appears as though that's what I been plotting for the past week. Honestly, it's the most interesting occurence. Everything else is same old. Except I met some dope Americans today. And even the most delish 20 year-old. Yeah, I might be pining for Paul... mm.. I should get some help. More about that later...

STOP THE PRESSES!

ok ok... I know how this is gonna look... but really I had no clue until I googled for a cool image by using the exact term "Kiss My Swag" like I would usually do for any of my posts...
Guess what pops up...
Like the worst damn nightmare outta the pits of hell...
CIARA
Lyrics for fuckin KISS MY SWAG from her recent album Fantasy Ride.

Imagine my embarrassment.
I wouldn't know this coz really I don't listen to Ciara but who's gonna believe that! It really is what it is. I look like I bit something when really I just had the same idea. Why would I floss about coming up with it if I knew that it was not really my own and somebody was bound to pick it up coz they are dodge enough to buy that album.

Anywho... long tale short, I only really feel bad that she came up with it first. So much for being original and creative. And now I'ma have to say great minds think alike. Mm... I looked at her lyrics and really you can tell from my examples that I made it up... well sorta.You can't really go to the moon with the definition. It's pretty much the cooler version of kiss my ass! And we all know what that means!

I don't think that I'ma stop using it. Coz I just think it's that dope! Believe what you want! Bt if you've read this blog, you know I don't lie. Ait. I believe in truth and that;s why I'm sharing this stoopid story. Really... SOML. (Story of My Life.)

so I guess I inadvertantly kissed her swag in this instance. Goodness, not happy about that!

I'm a writer NOT a biter! for myself and others.

Just sorry that I'm making some people swallow their props.. people liked it. So if they didn't even know about this damn song... how can I be expected to?!
Coz I work in radio?! Nigga please! KMS!

Besides I'd rather correct myself instead of hve some dumbass get on a high horse and finally have a reason to tune me shit.

But maybe, just maybe, great minds think alike. And maybe I should give Ciara a chance. And maybe it's ok to have the same ideas. They all do come from the same Script-Writer. Plus everything happens for a reason... so let's look to the bigger picture. It's all in the execution at the end of the day. So I'm use it the way I had planned. And if you don't like it, you can simply KISS MY SWAG!

Day 118-120: Finally....Radio Chapter I

2009-06-02T00:14:00.000-07:00

**This is actually my blog from an internal site but I found it to be so spot on and a lil too honest that I just had to share it with you guys....

I've been meaning to blog about my on-air escapades for a minute... so lemme break it down a lil... It's been a week since my second attempt at GroundZero. For all intensive purposes, I killed it compared to my premiere show five days before that.

I figure that I let the hype get to me during the first show. In between the "oh my goshes" and "oh my goodneses", I pretty much failed to be the cool big sis that listeners would like to have. I was like a groupie. Dude!

Lesson learnt: Dude! just be you!

As Em would say ...

You better lose yourself in the music
The moment you own it you better never let it go, oh
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Cuz opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo
You better lose yourself in the music
The moment you own it you better never let it go, oh
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Cuz opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo
You better...

It's really that simple. But I let the enormity of the moment/opportunity get at me and rip at me and drag me through the mud!
Twas an eye-opener. As in it made me realise that my moment, the moment that I had been dreaming about since I was a kid, had finally come and because of nerves, I was about to fuck it up momentously. Dude! Don't joke! Say it ain't so! I couldn't believe that I almost let it slip through my fingers like that...

and even today I ain't all that pleased with my performance during the second show.

Another lesson learnt...

Our lectures in the run up to the on-air stuff were quite spot-on!
As soon as I calmed down on the OMGs, I picked up on "OKay" and added some "er's and "ums" for added crutchness!it's the oddest thing that once you lose one crutch, you are bound to pick up another one! Just like that! I never say OK but now it's like my new word! Dude! like how?!

Dude!
it's hella wack hey.
my technical has been ait. As in I haven't skipped any songs, involuntarily but I did manage to gate-crash the news with a jingle. And if that wasn't enough, I didn't put up the level after front-announcing AKA's "Mistake". How apt!

You may ask...
But KP did you do anything right?

Yeah... I had a coupla tricks up my sleeve... from my totally fake, fabricated, imaginary friend that "sucks cock" to deal with stress and feel like a "strong black woman"... I don't doubt that such a female exists but she certainly ain't one of my friends.
...to my future "blind-date" with a white boy. Well, that wasn't a complete lie. An fb friend did "offer" me his white friend... but he was not keen to set us up, well not directly, he sought to rather, organise a lil chill session at his spot and then have us meet... So a blind-date with a twist... started off the show on an inquisitive note... Nice...

My links coulda been tighter if I had stuck to my prep and timings and such... but I doubted it in the moment. Stooooooopid girl.

More good news...
I've learnt to prep my own ish!
I've found a system that doesn't allow me to forget to back-announce and most of all to ID the station and my pretty lil face!

Too dope!

Now, I'm constantly jotting down ideas for links... I literally keep my notebook and pen on me... it's exciting ad it's daunting at the same time because my respect for the profession has grown tremendously ie I now see it as a proper gig. Not a hobby to be shat on! but at the same time, I'm freaked out by the intensity and how it isn't some big party on air like I sorta unconsciously perceived it to be.

Which has of cos made that crazy, totally illogical Q pop into my head. Is this what I really want? Really? really?

Part of my every being screams YES but my fear, a deep seated, unjustified, totally self-involved phobia is raising doubt, within!

So a lot of thinking is taking place. And of cos, been sussing out the competition. Totally natural especially when your turn to be on air is taking its sweet time.

But also totally a waste of time because I really shouldn't be checking for the other academics coz I'm the only horse that I should be concerned about. I can't see these other niggas coz I got my eye on the prize!

And with two shows to go... I am dying to prove my mettle. So I plan to pull out al the stops for the next show. Really. Fiery blazin links! Short sweet n punchy!

Sot he cat's out the bag but that's the thing about radio, my execution ain't like no other. At least that's the plan. To make it memorable.

We got some good news yesterday...
Not only will we be participating in a massive clean up campaign in our own internship capacities (oh joy-lol ) but we will also be having our own liners recorded! Dude! can you say too dope! With the official voice of the station!

Songs I'm loving at the moment...
Pure Surprise- Lulo Cafe (yho...he is the hottest nigga in the hood! No kidding!)
And of cos... Hottest Nigga in the Hood- Red Cafe (see the link!!!) [still!!]
Who's Real-Jada ft Swizz
Deeper- Euphonik
Return the Favour- Keri Hilson ft Timbo
My Love- The Dream ft Mariah
Rockin that Shit (Remix) -The Dream and all them niggas... [still!!!]
Good Clothes-Lil Brother [still!! stuck on that beat!]

And a host of other hottttt house tracks that I can't remember... it happens... mind you... I have yet to sleep since 9pm last night!

Since I've been absolutely self-indulgent... I guess I can get away without blogging for the next month... truth be told... I've missed talking about my passion... so you must JBS (jusssss beeee strong)!

Besides with God by my side... I can't help but shine.. wherever that may be! Funny thing about the picture below, I was loking for a star and that jumped at me! How appropriate... That's how I know that The Script-writer is hard at work for lil ol me who deserves it the least... But would desire it regardless... pretty pretty please... I'm thinking he is liking the idea tooooo.. Well, I'ma keep the faith!

Day 112-117: Seven Days Was A Long Shot!

2009-05-30T23:02:00.000-07:00

In a day, God created man. And when the sun set that evening, he looked at Adam and said, 'Hotdam I'm rock long time...' and then he went drinking at the Eden river, with the angels, to celebrate...
It's taken double that time for me and Shorty to restart fighting after just making up. Ya neh. We couldn't even go the seven that I spoke of in my last post. There's really no point in getting into why we are fighting now [but for completeness sake, here's the jist- we were supposed to go out to some birthday gig on Thursday night and he took a unilateral decision to cancel our plans. Something about being tired and under-dressed. I was not impressed. I flipped at him for being a fader. He claimed we could do it on Friday. Nothing happened Friday. Instead he was out with his mates. Which was all apparently unplanned. I just keep thinking I'm way to pretty to be dealing with such non-issues. Plently guys wanna spend time with me. Why am I still here? For what!? When it really appears as though, I ain't wanted.] I'm just sick of it. It's like the bad is superceding the good. It's so bad, I'm thinking of drawing up a list. Either of Pro's n Con's or of things that he does that I absolutely despise. He can also draw up the latter with regards to me and if we gonna work at this, those lists must be adhered to, otherwise it's an indication of disrespect and sheer carelessness. Which speaks volumes.

I used to date guys that I fought with all the time, thinking that it adds passion to the relationship. And then I dated a nigga that I hardly ever fought with and guess what- I enjoyed that so much more. The laughing and smiling and talking really beats arguing and crying and bitching. So I can't understand how I landed up here and how come I've been at it for almost as long as my longest relationship ever [four months]?!

But everytime I think of walking away, the heartburn hits my chest. And honestly, he does he quite an effect on my mood especially when things are cool and we're talking. I jus wish we could get along for more than three days out of the week.

I was so embarrassed when my mother asked me what he thought of my Monday show. I had to meekly tell her that I hadn't received any feedback from him. Even she raised her eyebrows even though she doesn't know that we are dating. But she knows that we're friends and that I'm hella supportive of his hustle. So in her head, it made no sense as to why he is seemingly not showing luv back. Luckily she spared me any further humiliation by letting that question hang in the air. Awkward!

Saturday night/the early hours of Sunday morning, I tried to talk to him about this kak. And I swear if he hadn't claimed to be too tired to get into it, I probably would've broken up with him right then and there. Coz something don't feel right. That feeling I had at the beginning of this, has returned and it's actually suffocating me. Rather annoying. Two options: stick it out like last time til it subsides or walk away from these weird feelings. Fuck it's weird. It feels like he's hiding something...

True to his conceited self, he insisted on discussing this issue from the other night, later today. Fine. It's not like it's going anywhere. We'll discuss it eventually and if it's over- let it be.

I could use some fresh material for my blog, as it is.

As for my show on Monday. I felt that it went well. So well that I walked away thinking that some of the proper DJs best be scared.... Coz I'm coming after their gigs! Unfortunately it will be a while til my next shot at presenting. Try 10 June. Dis ver! I was hoping we would have gotten an updated schedule by now, with all the non-presenters, having opened up more slots for the rest of us that want to do it.

But life ain't ever sucha breeze. Been working on scripts for a certain production from my former employer. Who woulda thought... 53 episodes by four links each. Hectic. But coming along nicely. Very exciting. Challenging. And learn-as-you-go. Very stimulating and keeps my mind off this rather immature love-life stuff. I won't lie. I'm expecting the worst.

Day 108-111: Shut Up, Just Shut Up Shut Up...

2009-05-24T06:33:00.000-07:00

Back in high school, I dated some triflin' niggas. Popular but hella dodge tertiary guys who would cheat on me. And my fellow female pupils would be more than happy to let me in on my boyfriends' indiscretions. Coz that's how real it would get in high school. Women-on-women violence. But they would be the first to hook up with him straight afterwards despite his shady track-record. Or worse still, these girls would knowingly hook up with dude even though they knew he was unavailable...

I wish I could take the moral high ground in comparison to my boyfriends. But nah... I was only slightly better because I kept my indiscretions a secret. I never got bust. So not only did their cheating give me a legit reason to get out of a disastrous pseudo-relationship that was only wasting my (air-)time, but it also made me look like the poor victim. Aargh shame for me. In my mind, it didn't really matter what the situation really was... as long as dude felt bad and I came out smelling like roses. There really was no reason for me to tell dude that while he was messing around, so was I... It's fine. Let him think he's a piece of shit cheat. No skin off my nose coz he been a piece of shit. I won't lie, I would get upset. Mostly out of embarrassment and humiliation. Egocentric B.S that would not let me help him downplay his guilt... In fact, let's not tarnish my good image... I figured it's always better to appear to be the victim instead of the wrong-doer. Nobody likes the wrong-doer... Plus, I couldn't begin to have dude look at me the same way that I looked at him... Yeah... Like a piece of shit cheat! Lol!

All these experiences taught me one thing. Don't ever be naive enough to think that whatever you're doing on the down-low is not being done by your significant other. That's how karma works ... So it's a big deal for me to be involved and not cheat. A sorta growth and maturity of sorts. But with so many opportunities to do so, I'm sure that Shorty is facing extensive temptation of his own on the daily... Now we don't all go through the same rite of passage, so goodness knows if he been resisting.

Hence my sheer reluctance to trust a nigga. Even the one I'm seeing. Especially when he keeps fueling my paranoia... On Friday, he ignored my calls and texts. The following morning, he tried to feed me some cock-n-bull story about his phone dying. Like honestly. I was not having it. I hate being lied to but what I hate more is an apology that is accompanied by a lie. Yho! That grates my tits. What's also bad is how I've told him before if something is going on- tell me. Don't make me wait like a crazy person. Or worse- don't fuck up and think you can fix it in the morning!?

So you think I'm gullible and stoopid?! Fine. Then leave me alone in my gullibility n stoopidity coz I really ain't gotta deal with this shit.

I wonder will Shorty n I ever go a mere seven days without fighting? It's becoming such a drag. I hate repeating myself to a grown man as though I'm involved in dog-training. Oh hell no! I really dunno what can fix this but my head ain't over there right now. I gots a show in the early hours of Monday morning. Another reason why I'm so annoyed. This nigga is fucking with my focus... I should just knock him out like Charles Hamilton. His inconsideration shows jus how self-involved he is. Like dude... The world does not revolve around you! And maybe that's been my fault... You write a coupla posts about dude, he begins to feel and act as though he rules your world. F-off!

Well, I'm obviously peeved. But like I been saying, anger ain't a real emotion. I'm hella disappointed and disheartened. And I hate to say it, especially after the other day... A part of me has to laugh at that though... How fuckin unoriginal... A nigga trippin afterwards... Well that's what you get huh... Oh well... Dirt off my shoulder!

As much as I mean that... I realise that this is merely the price of caring for somebody. You become vulnerable to being hurt. Like I just heard on Grey's... Making friends makes for another loss along the way...

On to something a lil more constructive... I'm beginning to feel those nerves again, even though my show is like twelve hours away. I so need to bring it this time... Here's to some good post-show news!

Day 104-107: Kingdom Come...

2009-05-20T11:29:00.001-07:00

A dramatic build up often concludes in an equally undramatic anti-climax! You'll walk away and be on some... That's it?! Really now? Really?! No... Seriously!

Today was a day of firsts... Let's start with my first time hosting the 4AM-5AM slot. Dude! I really thought I would be less nervous which in turn turned out to be my biggest challenge (please note that I didn't say 'difficulty'. I picked that up from a guest lecturer, the other day. It's a mere obstacle... A lil hill...) was my anxiety. Self-inflicted n absolutely self-indulgent... It appears that in those moments, I forgot the teachings from A New Earth and Dr Gary Zukav... Nerves amount to selfish energy because it makes the situation only about you. It's not only about me but also the people listening and being subjected to poor radio because I'm way too self-involved to step out of MY anxiety to give them a decent show... Now I'm feeling like even though I get the above, I've gone from selfish to self-pity... Well, either way, there's no room for egoism! Just Do It!

And that's exactly what I plan on doing on Monday morning when we do it again. Keep it simple and short but pacy n punchy... Like a manly Ryan Seacrest... I wanna say risque stuff and have listeners latching on to my every word. Did I manage that despite my stage fright? I think I did what I could, considering the situation... It's not everyone that can talk about their 'friend' who sucks dick in order to deal with stress... And it's not many people that can be open about their less-than-cool approach.

Another first occurred after the show. Shorty n I hung out at his crib. Not only were we completely alone for the very first time, but we also had some privacy outside the confines of a car or even a corridor or a movie theatre or food outlet or event... Twas crazy surreal for him for me to be in his space... For me, it was the perfect escape from the memory of a not-so-perfect radio show.

I dunno if it was too soon but I knew that we would some time. And that day came... What's meant to be will be... What's meant to happen, did!

So now that we have that out of the way... Let's double up... Lol... Now the trick will be to figure if we gonna stay together despite those typical doubtful feelings that come with the-morning-after-the-night-before...
We actually spoke about it a lil... And it was a lil reminiscent ot the the first time we kissed. When that finally happened, I sorta wished that we had waited because as much as I wanted to do it, I really missed the feeling of anticipation from those previous three weeks.

But isn't that always the case. Feeling as though you shouldn't have done what you did. But you had to do it to prove a point... Whether to cement your feelings or to cultivate further feelings... it's how society has shaped intimacy. You can't claim to be seeing/feeling somebody and you guys don't kiss or beyond. I mean what would set you apart from the next pair of friends if you guys, as a couple, aren't acting on the feelings of lust?

So what makes a relationship? According to FFB, without fucking there is no relationship therefore you might as well be close friends. He rates it solidifies things. I dunno if I concur... I'm pretty sure me and Shorty are more than "close friends" but I dunno how I know... I guess I trust that he ain't sharing the same thoughts with other women. Lol! So now he can't have a female BFF?
[Enter Alicia Keys with 'Grlfriend'... I think I'm jealous of your girl friend...]
If you have somebody that you constantly spend time with but there's no shagging then you guys are either BFFs or BF and GF. What sets that apart????

So I looked up the definition of RELATIONSHIP...

–noun 1. a connection, association, or involvement.
2. connection between persons by blood or marriage.
3. an emotional or other connection between people: the relationship between teachers and students.
4. a sexual involvement; affair.

Clearly the above didn't help...
So I looked it up in the Thesauraus...
And the following jumped at me...

connection, friendship, affinity, bond, hookup...

An affinity... that zing that draws you and keeps you close to another person. Those butterflies that a simple BFF can't make you feel. That's what makes a relationship. Those strong, amorous feelings for another person that are often translated into the physical but don't exist because of the physical!

Ah Ha moment of note!

I'm considering calming down on the intimacy aspect until Shorty is comfortable. I don't want him doing stuff... hell... I don't wanna be doing stuff coz that's what's expected. We should be doing stuff coz that's what we wanna do...

Day 93-103: Magic Moments Part III

2009-05-16T17:59:00.000-07:00

And then the magic moment happened...

Well, maybe it was not so much a magic moment coz I don't think my life changed in that instance but the way I looked at a certain person, changed forever that very night. And for the first time, I admitted it to myself and him. Twas quite profound. Like looking in the mirror. But really looking... Not a passing glance...

On the way home on the Wednesday evening, my car-pool dude had his weekly night lecture. I was keen to get home after an exhausting day which saw Shorty and me ignoring each other. Literally. Dude, twas so crazy that he even ducked into the toilet when he saw me. I followed suite and jumped up from where I was sitting. My heart in my throat as I tried to shake it off! Funny thing, I had just found out when we, the interns, would be going on air so I was hella excited but I couldn't even share that with him. Twas just wack.

If you've ever sat in Joburg traffic, you'll realise that the way to make it go faster is to talk. Well that works for me coz after a day spent at a radio station, I ain't tryna hear more DJ chit-chat or high-rotation singles! So car-pool dude and I often discuss my train-smash of a love-life! No matter how embarrassing, he always gets it out of me. When I've said it all, I'll either pass out or blog! By the time, we're done with that, it's often too dark to study.

This time, I was riding with a family friend (FF). He was dying to know how things been going, especially in the love-life department so I spilled! And he turned around and took Shorty's side. SHOCK-ED! He also said that I should be careful, listening to people that may wanna just sabotage my relationship with Shorty. True. But The Girls couldn't possibly be like the other ruthless Joburg women. That's not their style. At least that's what I think/thought. In his eyes, I should just holla at dude, simply coz I do like him. I was gobsmacked, there's no way I was gonna let my feelings make a fool out of me. They will go away. They must. Needless to say, FF convinced me to holla at Shorty, despite my head screaming OH NO!

The way my heart explained it to my head is that if we gonna end this, let's end it today and if it's gonna be saved then let's stop being mad and just save it. (I must say that I really thought this was it!) But first he must know exactly how I feel... So I call him up... I swear my heartbeat was hella irregular and I thought I might pass out from the anticipation...
Wish I had recorded this telecon so that the following could be a lil more accurate...

Ring Ring [regular amount of rings. He surprisingly didn't make me wait.]
S: Hello
KP: [tentative]Hey..?
S: [equally tentative] Hi..
KP: Um...Can you talk?
S: Yeah, I can...
KP: [icebreaker] Oh crap that sucks. I was hoping you'd be busy and then I could get off the phone and not have this awkward conversation. (nervous giggle)
S: (no laughs) Dude you don't understand how hard my heart is beating right now...
KP: aaaahhh baby, me too... [tears stinging my eyes, yearning to hold him (thru the phone- tnx Soulja Boy)]
There's something I must tell you.
[Momentary amnesia. I collects herself and go through go my mental script... I tell him about that fateful Saturday night when he couldn't take me home so I got picked up. Before we left Rosebank, we headed to MacDee's for some grub. As soon as I walked in through the door, some nigga that actually has a striking resemblance to Shorty, except he's way shorter, hollered at me.

I was not impressed. More annoyed. I had had a long day of election field-reporting and didn't want to have to deal with rejecting some random at 11 PM. Well, this dude was persistent but only because he recognised me. We hooked up back in high-school. In fact, I was dating his friend and we ended up hooking up, behind his buddy's friend. Not cool. But that's what you do when you are in grade nine at a single sex school! You almost live for male attention... Well, I hadn't seen dude since. And here we were exchanging digits. A week later, we bumped into each other, again, near Nino's. Walked him to his car and we spoke about my love-life and it's heavy sexual frustration component. It was not until later that I realised that I shouldn't be discussing such with an ex-flame that still gives me bedroom eyes.

I got punished for it. He tried to kiss me. Tongue down my throat and all! But I pulled away. This cutie who ain't talking about taking it slow, wants me but I push him away. On any other day, any other year, I would've just went with it. Even if it was just for those five selfish, self-indulgent minutes, I would've done it. And simultaneously written off any prospect of my relationship with Shorty...]

KP:... in my head, if I cheat on a guy, it really means that I'm over dude. I'm not expecting much from our 'thing'.I realised three things as a result of that night. One, I really like you. And I really want this to work. Two, if guys are jumping me then girls must be jumping you too. But how are you reacting? [More temporary amnesia.. this time in real time. I can't remember what number three was. Funny coz I nearly forgot it that very night too.] And that would explain why I ain't keen to put a label on us because if we do get hella serious, I'm gonna have to trust you completely. You'll have the right to truly break my heart. All defences down. I'm no good at being vulnerable. I'm very protective of my feelings.

S: I don't wanna lose you. I told you that these groupies mean nothing. [can't remember the rest... at this point I was in a haze...]
Wanna go to a movie?

Bottom line, we ended up seeing Wolverine, the following day. Which actually turned out to be a love story. The new week saw us talking for hours on Monday night, straight into Tuesday morning. He says that he never really talks to people... Which surprised me coz boy, does he have plenty to say. Which suits me just fine because I enjoy hearing about his plans and ambitions. It's inspiring because our dream-book pretty much reads the same way. He left so late that he even missed my 4AM news bulletin. My mom also slept through it... Classy. Impressed with neither.

The irony... We are getting closer through the fighting. It's weird but true. The drama is making us tighter... He actually said that I'm like his third arm... In the moment, it was so sweet but come to think about it, nobody really needs a third arm. In fact, doctors would recommend amputation. So maybe not the best compliment or metaphor... What does it mean anyway? I need you as much as I need an extra limb. Strange. The only time, I've come across that term is when somebody says that their cellphone is like a third arm It's an extension of the self. They can't live without it. It's always there. That's deep...

Day 93-103: Magic Moments Part II

2009-05-16T16:03:00.000-07:00

Since Monday, I been spending every second day just catching up on sleep because every other day is spent awake for at least 24 hours. It's the most insane but exhilarating experience. Finally, our time to be on air has come. As luck would have it... but...er... I don't believe in luck so as it was written...I'm the second last to go on air, on Wednesday 20 May, as per the 4AM-5AM schedule. To date I have read news twice (once on the first day, Tues 12 May and another on Thurs 14 May because the dude that was supposed to was otherwise occupied. Score for me really so I didn't mind absconding on my content production role for the few minutes that a coupla news bulletins take up. Besides, I gots to practice and get used to speaking out loud on the new mics).

My attention has really been on my exam and of course the on-air stuff. Constantly planning links and thinking of ways to make exciting radio. You may be half-asleep during 4AM and 5AM but really I gots no business contributing to that state of mind.

So what's my plan? Well, the words of the Programming Manager keep ringing in my head. Keep your links sweet and short and punchy. But so far, everybody has done the exact opposite. I can understand their thought-process though. They want to impress with humorous, interesting banter. The more you talk, the bigger the chance to be impressive and likewise, the larger the opportunity to suck. That's when the heartburn hits my chest! But really, I gots to know how to take direction, right. So I'ma have to keep my words to a minimum. Think Ryan Seacrest's slickness and swag on the mic. Dope/Doe Boy Fresh (DBF)! I want that to be me! I plan to be exciting, spunky and all up in your face! Make you wanna get up without saying too much and I figure if I can manage that then I'm legend!

But of cos, I'm beginning to doubt myself. Hella nervous! I can't wait to rock my hour but then again, I could totally wait out of sheer anxiety.

Meanwhile back at the ranch... Shorty and I had yet another fight, at the beginning of last week, over the same tired topic... There I was minding my own business on Tuesday, keen to go on study leave, glad to have finished my SAMAs piece when The Girls walked in and one of them told me how she had witnessed Shorty in a shady, compromising situation at some night-spot during the weekend.

I felt the tears sting the back of my eye-balls as she spoke about this floozy that had her arms around him and was kissing his neck. The disgust welled up in my stomach, followed by sheer self-disappointment. How can you be so stupid, I asked myself. I was so sick and tired and pissed at the timing that I typed up a text and actually sent it this time. Because of my self-blame, it was rather mild-mannered. I wasn't about to scream n shout n curse coz in my head, there would be no point coz clearly this ain't the first time. Clearly I been gettin played. So I just told him that I can't deal with all these stories of him entertaining groupies so we should just end this. He called. I switched off my phone. I won't lie but I was rather pleased that he was appearing to be freakin out but at the same time, I thought, he only ever takes me seriously when I'm at the door with my suitcase packed! I also tried to think how he would explain his way out of this one. I thought how blind am I. How stoopid must I be. How pathetic. How retarded. Like what am I waiting for- to find him in bed with somebody else? All these questions but only one answer. Go study!

Well, that was not about to happen. Well not that day. Instead I texted him again to say I wasn't tryna be rude but I know that if we talk, he's just gonna sweet-talk me out of my decision. He was actually rather mad and frustrated. From the sounds of the voice-messages that he left, demanding that I answer my phone to the texts that said he was tired of explaining himself and that we were over before we even begun (becaus of all these stories I was being fed). That stung. But that's one thing you will always receive from anger. It will make people show another side to themselves. It may be the truth or a defence mechanism. Either way, it has the potential to have some devastating repercussions.

In fact, in the midst of our heated text chat, I was having flashbacks of the last such chat I had with my BFF from varsity who hooked up with my ex flame behind my back and then turned around and accused me of jealousy when I condemned her actions. After that, I didn't see how we could ever be friends again because she just didn't get it. She was not sympathetic towards my feelings or even empathetic. It was all about her and I had to just accept her skanky behaviour. She even went on to say that she didn't even really like me and that I can only wish I was like her and no amount of therapy could fix me. That hurt because I was in therapy following my grandmother's death.... That comment proved to be the nail in the coffin! (Therapy proved to be the catalyst for my path to self discovery actually... but I digress...)

My text chat with Shorty could've easily gone that route and I could hate him right now but we handled it. And I think that's because we were both not ready to walk away. Not yet. Not now. Although I was not about to admit it at that point... I did all but beg him to confess instead because I needed to know that was not walking away from this because of a really dumb reason. Whatever that could be. Yes, I kept hoping for some sort of explanation that would make me nod my head feverishly and say 'ah yes, that explains it all.'

And then the magic moment came...

Day 93-104: Magic Moments Part I

2009-05-16T03:32:00.000-07:00

Paulo Coelho once wrote of magic moments in his highly acclaimed novel, Down By The River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept. It's a heavy love story focussing on a young woman's quest for self discovery and more specifically love. He described a magic moment as that moment when a YES or NO changes your life forever. I feel like these 180 DAYS have been a series of magic moments in themselves. Which is bad and good. Good because everyday is one hella surprise after another. I can't say that I'm bored at all. But I also can't say that I know what's really going on even on the basics front. It's almost like having sex with a blindfold on. It's cool for a bit but after a while, you just wanna know what's going on... or maybe I'm just one hella control freak! Relaxa tu! But I guess that's what life really is. a series of decisions that ultimate contribute to the Butterfly Effect whether you'd like to believe in the weight that a seemingly insignificant action may carry.

Everytime I meet somebody new and we discuss some business ventures and something comes out of it... Everytime, some nigga hollers at me and I actually don't walk away and he turns out to be another soulmate (Yes, I believe in more than one)...
Facebook/MySpace and other social networking sites have been the catalyst of several magic moments. I've (re)connected with fam and even come across some dope people. But has my life been changed? as in really altered? Or just been made more interesting?

I rate that you'll never really know the true extent of your actions. However, what I do know for sure is that the Butterfly effect exists. Everything, no matter how small, happens for a reasons so yes. Everything is connected. Everything is everything. That's what Ms Hill meant.

But for me the true magic moment, as in how I interpreted it as per the novel, occurred in the run up to my exam last Monday. For the past six years, I have been trying to finish up my BCOM: Accounting degree. The first two years were smooth sailing until my final year when I crashed and burned towards the finishing line in respect of the Tax and Financial Management modules. The following year, 2007, I bagged the Tax but the Financial Management proved to be a harder pill to swallow. I just couldn't or wouldn't understand. Last year, I decided to try finish within a semester via Unisa. I managed to two out of three of their Financial Management equivalent. I wrote a supplementary exam in October which also went badly. So badly, I had to re-apply. No supp, this time. I figure, I had trouble balancing my job and studies. Plus when you are so used to not understanding particular work, in this instance, Valuations, you're already defeated before you start. Well you feel that way and that self-fulfilling profesy comes to show.

This year, I again took up the Financial Management yolk. Partly determined to get it right this time. Partly certain that I don't really have the type of brain that grasps the curriculum therefore I should perhaps consider approaching the powers that be with the results of an aptitude test that proves that I have trouble getting my head around analytical type problems and maybe they will just give me a damn degree out of sheer pity and for my half-hearted peserverence and innovation. I don't think I could pull out the race card for this one!? ... But worse, I was considering giving up, basically at the end of the race which amounts to not having bothered to try in the first place. With the pressure that my mom was putting on me and the prospect of a life continually on the hustle sans the financial cushioning that comes with a cushy Chartered Accountant gig, I been freaking out! And that's why I been studying since February. I even handed in both my assignments which turned out to be well done. Ain't nothing like fear to motivate you.

Last Monday was a culmination of my efforts. I spent the weekend, studying. I mucked about only on Saturday but I was sooooo focussed that I told Shorty that we couldn't hang. SHOCKING, I know. Don't even begin to think things went smoothly. They don't ever. That would be too easy... Especially where that nigga is concerned...

Day 91-92: All the SAMA drama!

2009-05-04T11:06:00.000-07:00

I spent much of yesterday writing this peice...
Many people dig but obviously the haters been quiet... share your thoughts...
I'd rather not go into my private life, until after my exam on the 11th because really all that drama will have to wait...

---

SAMA STYLE AND SOUNDS send link to a friend | archives | print

Kopano Marumo
Despite the witty television advertisements, it’s customary to expect the South African Music Awards to fail to impress. Nobody really embarks on the exodus to Sun City for the basic entertainment value that any award show should provide but rather to play dress up, get messed up and perhaps even throw up on the service provider’s tab. This year proved to hold some welcome surprises. But come to think of it, it can’t be all that difficult to surpass past shows.
The biggest night on the SA music calendar began with a bang as Zamajobe joined Best Male/Best Maskandi nominee Bhekumuzi Luthuli and the winners of Best Dance and Best Producer Goldfish in paying their respects to the late Miriam Makeba. Even though it was upbeat, the tribute was moving but it couldn’t draw the attention away from Zamajobe’s brown mini dress/black tights ensemble. Zamajobe failed to convert her Best Female Solo and Best Contemporary Jazz nominations into true success, consequently we were spared the encore of seeing that fashion mistake. Actually, a bigger fashion mishap came on stage instead when the The Moreira Project snatched up Best Contemporary Jazz. Much to the shock of the audience and the host, the representative walked up wearing bemuda shorts with a jacket and formal shoes. Hilarious. Meanwhile, the stunning afro-pop star Lira, humbly took home four awards including Best Adult Contemporary Album: English, Best Remix of the Year, Best Female and most importantly Album of the Year.

But really, the true highlight of the night was the host, Trevor Noah. He saved us from yet another typically SAMA night. Noah was amusing and engaging without having to rely on a dozen different costumes or even his remarkable good looks. During all three-and-a-half of his restrained wardrobe changes, not once did he prance around in a wife-beater. Instead, he opted to don Msholozi’s traditional skirt and Zulu-Boy’s head-gear, over his first outfit, during his rip off of the Maskandi genre. (Who knew Trevor could play the guitar.) I hardly saw a piece of neck.

YFM’s newest recruit Bonang was not as conservative. She presented the Record of the Year in a rather adorable black and purple frilly tutu-type frock that was short in the front and longer in the back. Khanyi Mbau rocked a similar design but her blue and yellow hues made her creation pop, complete with a trail that kissed that floor. During their Best Duo/Group presentation, Mbau also managed to steal Kelly Khumalo’s thunder despite the latter’s Best Urban Pop Album nomination.

No surprises when Rebecca Malope bagged yet another Best African Gospel award. Even though it was her 12th SAMA ever, Malope still did her classic victory hop, evening gown and all, as though it was her first time. What did surprise everyone was how Vusi Twala went off at a tangent whilst presenting this very award. The Psalted host went on some Reverend tip and even went as far as quoting from the Bible. Wow.

You’d expected some ministerial vibe from the preacher’s son Hlomla Dandala. But when he was not seated next to his ex- ex wife Candy Litchfield, he was busy flirting up a storm with Miss Teen SA Kopano Mocwane during their presentation of Best Female.

The misbehaving continued into both Sizwe Dhlomo and Siya Ngwekazi’s segments: they expressed their approval of Trevor Noah’s MCing, at the expense of kwaito star Kabelo Mabalane’s past two SAMA presenting efforts. Naturally. Siya also took shots at Arthur during his post-award interview with Lira…

cop the rest @ http://www.rage.co.za/readArticles.php?articleID=1578&PHPSESSID=144337f3fe6c3cbc29df2c62d669cb3e

Day 85-90: What Were You Thinking...

2009-05-02T05:00:00.001-07:00

It's funny how when you have to study, you'll do everything but exactly that. I just came from physio... Oh my gosh such pleasure... I nearly passed out coz the various massaging techniques were so good. I should have started physio five weeks ago [since it's been approxiamately three months since the shoulder anthroscopy] but I haven't had time to find a therapist, especially one that works on the weekend, but now that I gots to study, it occurred to me that I may wanna see one. And boy am I glad.

Physio amounts to somebody playing with your hair and inducing drowsiness. Now all I wanna do is sleep. But I also gotta go get my hair did. Plus this BMW [Baby-Making Weather] is making me hella apathetic.

So I'm drowsy n lazy, watching the Crime Channel. Things been like that the entire week. Haven't even been able to blog because the famous last words proved to be exactly that. Well sorta. Well for the most part.

Saw Shorty the other day and we spoke about Friday night. He pretty much expressed my concern as per my blog. Lol that would be assuming that he's been reading it. Coz the way he spoke about labels putting pressure on us was what I said. So I nodded fiercely wondering if we on the same page or if he jus read my blog and found the perfect excuse for some triflin behaviour.

Honestly I shouldn't be bothered by all this at the moment. Coz again, gots to study. But at the rate that I'm going, you'd swear I gots all the time in the world. So the official term for us is 'we're seeing eachother/dating exclusively'. Even if some nosy numbnut insists on asking if he is my boyfriend, I'll merely respond that 'we're seeing eachother'. BOOOORIIINGGG! Lol!

I think I'm just slightly annoyed coz I had begun wrapping my head around the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing. But clearly the fact that I brought it up in a sober setting shows that I was not completely comfortable.

Speaking of discomfort, the day before May Day, my sexual frustration had hit an all time high! All that anybody was talking about and doing was sexually related. Needless to say that I and my celibate state felt a lil cheated. I called him and for the first time, I told him how I was not coping. I expected him to snigger in the face of my three-month rule but he only had empathy for me and expressed feeling equally frustrated. That made me feel ten times better. My poor baby...

Maybe it's time, he said meekly... How about no, negro?! We are doing so well and to just give in to our urges would undo months of work... I dunno what the logic is but sex just results in complications and goodness knows that we have enough complications for Africa. Plus once you become sexually active, it's easy to just have a relationship that's centred around the nookie. Right now, we are forced to get to know eachother and see eachother for what we really are. Sex blinds you. So we gonna have to wait. Coz I wanna do this differently. I can get sex anywhere but goodness knows that we've worked at this. No point in screwing it up now... Yes, pun intended.

Day 81-84: Famous Last Words...

2009-04-26T16:12:00.000-07:00

When I was younger (like a month ago lol) I was heavily afflicted with wanting all the things that I can't have. Mostly coz it's just human to yearn for all the stuff that aren't easily accessible. From a pair of jeans to a guy. You forget to count your blessings. It's the way of the world. And when you finally have it, you wonder if you even really wanted it in the first place...

You may truly be suffering from buyer's remorse but sometimes it's just the culmination of both self-doubt and greed- ie feeling as though you don't really deserve such pleasure for whatever inane reason, missing the thrill of the chase and wondering if you can get this, what else is in store which could be bigger n better.

Shorty asked me to be his girlfriend on Friday night/early hours of Saturday morning. Yes, I know I should just live in the moment and enjoy this. But please just indulge me for a sec....

No question about it, I'm hella flattered. I did not see it coming though. That nigga lives for suprising me, I swear. I never really know how he's gonna act, react, respond. It keeps me on my toes, I guess. And very independent in thought. I couldn't try impress him even if I tried coz I never know where his head is at. Plus, that just ain't my steez. He likes that. He said he is looking for somebody to keep him grounded... And um it appears that I'm the only one in the running coz he knows that many chicks that holla at him are doing it for superficial reasons. I know right, also shock-ed that he knows as much... Not jus a cutie...

So am I having second thoughts? Not really. Just thinking how crazy the past two months been and if being his gf will prove to be easier. Or will the pressure of a relationship tear us apart for good. Doesn't it amount to getting hitched even when you're in troubled waters. Or throwing a baby into the mix. That's jus stoopid!

I really had just gotten my head around us just dating. As in only dating. Nothing hectic or serious. I thought we'd do an extended version of that beginning part of hooking up. Dating without expecting much. I hate to put it that way but I thought we'd be like friends that hang out and make out.

Slightly better than 'friends with benefits' but certainly on the same (lack of) accountability level. I was so over expecting something half-decent from him and our lil set-up coz those expectations and hopes gave me mild heart-burn. So I let go a tad. And lo and behold, it made him realise that this is where he wanna be. I think. Hell, I hope. But lately he's been dropping that 'I don't wanna lose you' line.

I remember using that line on a few occasions when I could feel that I was about to lose my partner.
I wish I could say I planned it all. As if! And even as I joke, I know this ain't gonna be easy but we really been working hard at this. Yes, everyone been saying that there shouldn't be any difficulty in the beginning. I say well, there is no hard n fast rule. Again, what's meant to be will be.

I figured that I should resave his digits. It's weird seeing his name on my screen now. It's weird being somebody's girlfriend again considering that I was not looking to get involved. I guess that's the best kinda situation... Um... I dunno why I think that. I JUST DO. I figure it to be serendipity... A pleasant suprise. I don't like talking about this coz I really ain't sure where my head's at.

Like I said in a tweet, it's like getting new spectacles when you didn't really know that your vision was blurry. Now everything is clearer but now you don't have the words to describe what you are seeing... Make sense...?

Yeah... Not so much? So until we can use words (heard this on Supernanny. A mother talking to one of her tantrum-prone twins) , we will be enjoying it. Until we have reason or the rationale to feel otherwise... Wow... That sounds dodge simply coz with matters of the heart, logic gets thrown out the window so why am I feeling heartburn? Do I wanna do this or not? Aaaargh... Oh goodness... Heartburn!

I'm scared that I'll put down my walls for Shorty and I'll only get hurt. Only so much a girl can take. And in a relationship, you can't be mucking about. Get real or get out! You see!? Aaaargh! So we ready for that? Really? Eish... Let's ride and see... I know I can do it. I jus wonder about him. And really... should I be getting hectically involved with somebody I wonder about? Can't believe I'm still asking these questions. You know when I'm around him, I can't find these words. When I'm around him, his eyes reassure me. And all this amounts to paranoia. Ain't it funny.

Day 79-80: Make Your Mark!

2009-04-22T09:03:00.001-07:00

Disclaimer: South Africa is currently at the height of election fever so be prepared for a few too many election puns... Let's go! But now that I'm fully conscious of not tryna slip one in, I bet I'll have none... Um... Forget I said nothing...

Meanwhile back at the ranch...

Shakespeare said that 'some men are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.'

I figure that Shakespeare was born great or maybe even just achieved greatness. But you must be hella special from birth to have the whole world consider you the greatest writer that ever lived. I wonder if he realised his worth or even struggled to make sense of his thoughts... You think he ever suffered from writer's block and if so, how did he curb it? Or maybe he experienced the exact opposite, an overwhelming array of thought... What about his confidence? Did he ever doubt his gift or his work? Or did he just do what comes naturally?

Doesn't it in many ways, read like the Benjamin Button story? Benji was born old, hella special but does that neccesarily equal great? Or was greatness thrust upon him?

I figure I'm one of those people that's has to toil through the mud, fight off the flies just to achieve the greatness... So I can't be surprised when many people view my blog as though it's the pscho ramblings of a desperately lonely, unispired individual...

I hear that the nosy newsroom been discussing the particulars of my blog. They tryna figure who is who. I guess the pseudonyms aren't as obvious as I thought.

Either way, Brandy figures that I should be careful about what I put up coz all kinds of people are getting an insight into my life.

There really is no way that I'm shutting down this blog. When I write my posts, I really don't consider the audience. Yes, I realise that I share some hella personal details and inner most thoughts but it is what it is. And I figure that anybody on any self-discovery journey appreciates the honesty coz we all experience drama in our lives.

Yes, I'm honest. Maybe a lil too honest. But where's the line? I'd rather be over the top I guess. Truthfully, I'd rather be laughed at for being honest than be honoured for buying face.

Go hard or go home! That's my word. What's meant to be will be. Many people been tryna tell me that I should not just focus on being a DJ and should instead set my eyes on something that will get my foot in the door. I dunno hey. I gots my eye on the ball and I ain't tryna settle for second best. Aim for the moon so that you when you fall you can land on a star.

We've been covering the elections and chasing stories. It's been hectic. I rather enjoyed being out on the field, writing stories from there. That was fun and intense. Hella exciting. And that feeling that I live for, that excitement was rushing through my body. Loved it! But I know that being a DJ is ten times that so I can I possibly settle... mmm... so why am I settling when it comes to a man... Good Question... Will tackle that later...

Day 78: Girl Talk- Blessin' or Bitchin'?

2009-04-20T22:39:00.001-07:00

I come from an all girls high school. That background shaped much of my personality. There are two types of females in a single sex institution- the strong, bossy Miss Independent type versus the shrunken violet type who's hella vulnerable and tries to impress her peers by engaging in dodgy behaviour.

From my black n white view of the situation, many situations, it's clear that I fall into the former category. I consciously avoided being friends with many girls, especially plastics because of the lack of trustworthiness and the fierce competitive spirit that was enforced upon us via academic and extra-curricular colours and awards.

Put in work/ If you don't want the girl to talk/ And you don't want your feelings hurt/ Put in work/ Cause if you don't/ That girl's just gon' go spreadin' the word

Even though I am able to share some laughs with Ms Fabulous and The Girls... Hell even though Ms Fabulous shares my birthday... Truth is we couldn't be more different. I don't do weaves or wigs or make-up or jangly jewellery or gold chains or black-berries or tight fitting denim or hectic gym or heels or open slingy sandals or skimpy dresses. That sorta outward glam is just not my steez.

Ever since I can remember, I've never been crazy about the concept of money. And even though I adore being spoilt by a man, I cringe everytime the bill comes. I have to literally fight the urge to reach inside my purse. Come to think of it, I get the same feeling when I pass a hobo or a street musician. Even when I'm broke so broke that I literally can't afford to give away a rand, I sometimes will, hoping that Mother Dearest will sort me out later. I actually try not to give out less than R5 coz anything less really amounts to nothing in today's inflation. But if I ain't got it, oh well, it's better than giving nothing. I feel so bad when I don't give. I feel worse when I allow a nigga to cover everything... When I'm that chick that gets picked up and dropped off and paid off... I mean dude... I feel like I'm using dude... Or like dude is investing time and money and I'm just there... A financial burden. Relationships aren't cheap... And with my (just below) two grand stipend, two series and residence in Pretoria (50km away from the events hub that is Jozi), I can't afford much right now. Especially now that I've taken an extended hiatus from writing:) And because I'm an accountant at heart (and academically), I'm accustomed to working for my own money instead of accepting hand-outs from Mother-Dearest. I often have to stop my brain from automatically calculating the costs that my date may be incurring. So when Shorty told me that he wouldn't be able to take me home on Saturday coz of a tight financial situation, I was not over the moon but I was understanding. I was also mildly impressed at his candour but I mostly found myself cringing, as usual, at the mere mention of money.

The Girls figure that I'm wasting my time on a dead-end situation with Shorty and I should be getting pampered and spoilt by a more 'financially-focussed' man who can wine and dine me to my heart's content.

Now I'ain't sayin she a goldigga/ But she ain't messing with a broke nigga...

It takes a lot to pull at my heart-strings. And money is the absolute last thing on my list... Hell did I even mention it on to the list, last time?

Paul was my broke-ass toy-boy and while I was ok with playing the sugar-momma to a 20 year-old, I couldn't help but resent the way that he couldn't just spoil me whenever. But I felt worse for expecting something, anything when he was clearly unable to afford it. So I would pay even when he wanted to coz the-accountant-in-me wouldn't allow him to spend what could possibly be his last monies.

So you can imagine what a significant adjustment it has been to date someone who actually can afford to treat me to a thing or two (well... Most of the time...)

Funny thing happened, The Girls were so determined to have me move on and move up (lol like I BEEN threatening to) that one of them typed out a break up text. I wasn't about to send it. Atleast not yet. That's the thing about calling something off, you gots to be prepared to be done for good. I don't break up with people for reactions anymore. It's important to mean it coz you dealing with another human being, they are known to be unpredictable when their backs are against the wall. Plus at the end of the day, you gots to live with your decision, not your friends. If I am making a mistake, atleast I made it myself so I'll take full responsibility for it. But living through others can only result in unwarranted resentment. I'm a grown ass woman. Umma do me!

So where's the line? Nigga gots to have a job right. You ain't gotta make millions but can we atleast check out a play at the State Theatre!?

Day 74-77: Breathe n Stop...

2009-04-19T05:01:00.001-07:00

I guess it can't really end until you're ready to let go. As in, you're not still pining or reminiscing or fantasising... Until those good memories are only that and not an urge to make some more... Otherwise you are still pretty much in the thick of things despite your denial and determination to move on.

As much as I wanna just be over this Shorty saga, truth is that the disgust has returned to just being good ol typical mistrust-fueled con-fuss-ion.

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore/ I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore/ And when do you think that it will all become clear/ Coz I'm being taken over by The Fear...

The very day after I wrote my last blog, Shorty again failed to return my stuff even though I had expressly reminded him and he had expressly committed to doing so. But I guess what did I expect, nigga BEEN flakey! That was what I thought to my myself as he pitched up empty-handed on yet another occasion.

Honestly, I was more bothered by the fact that I'd have to deal with him again when he finally sticks to his word. I had no clue how that would pan out coz just the sight of him disgusted me. No, he had not turned ugly overnight but the thought of his betrayal had me trippin. So I kept my words to a minimum. I must have managed about five. Whenever he was within my proximity, I walked away. I knew that if I opened my mouth to exchange more than a greeting, I'd scream at him and maybe even make a scene. Dude, I was fuming. My insides were puffed up and the blood was boiling. I felt my ears get hot and forced myself to get some water from the kitchen.

He did well to seem unaware of my mood by not bothering to enquire about it. Which was just as well coz I needed to cool it clearly.

The following day was hella busy in the newsroom. Whoopdedoo! This time, Short pitched with my stuff. SUPRISED, SUPRISE! You coulda knocked me over with a feather. An ambiguous feeling fell over me. Firstly, Joy coz my damn camera was safely back in my possession and as I flipped through the pictures, I was a lil disappointed to find no evidence of his deception. Dammit this nigga managed to delete everything, I thought. Not that it's a difficult device to navigate but really Shorty has no clue when it comes to technology. It's quite laughable. One hella juxtaposition compared to his modern appearance and vibe. And boy did he look good. Hotdammm! It left me wondering where the disgust had gone. Actually the disgust faded when he denied all the allegations levelled against him [Yho the newsroom gots me talking crazy]. Goodness how gullible am I? Or rather, how hectically do I want this nigga to be in the clear? Or worse, how bad have I got it?

Exit Lily Allen stage left.
Enter Keri Hilson stage right.

Sometimes [like] comes around/ And it knocks you down/ Get back up/ When it knocks you down/ Knocks you down....

The plaster was only coming off my walls because I had anticipated the worst and the worst had not quite arrived. Yeah... Come to think of it, it was rather silly of me to think that he would admit to having his arms around another woman. And I actually articulated as much but I was more relieved for his denial than anything. He may have thought to be dismissive but as soon as he saw how I was not budging or smiling, he decided against it and adopted the ' you know I'm crazy about you' stance....

Exit Keri Hilson.
Enter the Cadbury man...
'...And all resistance crumbles...'

Dude! You telling me that I gots to get mad just so that this nigga can gimme some proper attention. Obviously I wasn't thinking all of that at the time. Unfortunately, rationality is hella sparse during times like these.

I don't know how but he managed to cast doubt over Ms Fabulous's observations. It's as logical as reckoning that she needs to get her eyes checked. He figures that he wouldn't be hollering at some girl if he knew Ms Fabulous was looking. He also spoke of how he appreciates me being in his corner and he wouldn't wanna mess that up.

Exit Cadbury Man.
Insert puppy dog eyes here.

That Friday night he drunk-dialled me and pretty much reiterated his words from the afternoon. Frankly we've heard these before... That he'll make it up to me (um, what's he gonna fix if he didn't do anything wrong... Oh for not telling the Mos Def chick to go fly a kite instead of 'tacitly' entertaining it) and he is gonna work harder at this. He said everything but declare his undying love. And when he called Saturday morning, he was well-aware of the late-night telecon. [insert RELIEF here]

I been giggly since.
[insert Lily Allen ENCORE here]

I dunno hey. I really don't. I like him so much that I'm being blind or rather, I'm choosing to turn a blind eye and make up excuses for days... That's some power he got over me...

I hope to goodness, I'm wrong about this dread and mistrust. To goodness. As much as I'd hate to be a fool, I'd hate to have to change the way I look at him more...

Day 73: Move on! Move up with Mr Spears!

2009-04-15T13:29:00.000-07:00

You know this ain't the first time/ This has happened to me/ This love sick thing/ I like serious relationships/ And a girl like me don't stay single for long/ Coz when a boyfriend and I break up/ My world is crushed and I'm all alone/ The love bug crawls right back and bites me/ And I'm back... She can't help it/ She just can't help it/ Can't help it/ Jus can't help it...

It's funny how when you put yourself back on the on the market, you start to notice other people that you probably never really noticed before. They make you wonder why you ever removed yourself in the first place. Why you settled for less and more specifically, everything you ever promised to never be party to again? Why you volunteeringly put yourself in a straneous situation? After really beating yourself up about it, you finally get back on the horse and lo and behold, there's a welcoming committee.

I'm gonna say what I been saying since the beginning of the 180 day journey, I ain't looking to get involved but I ain't looking to get used either. Niggas take advantage of that. So I can't just be throwing it around. Maybe I should engage that non-exclusive dating that Ms Fabulous suggests. But truth is that I live for human connections. The real kind. They don't have to be really deep but simply delightful. Whenever you can laugh with somebody, connect with somebody, empathise... That's the human connection.

So what am I looking for in a man? I'm a sucker for a man that has an interest in the arts. Somebody who's face beams up in an art gallery or at a hot design... Hell, an appreciation for music especially the deeper stuff... Somebody who not only sees the complexity and simplicity of life but also appreciates it through plays, books, artsy fartsy movies and music. Somebody I can party with, laugh with, cry with, talk with.... I should be comfortable enough to do my wack booty hop around him. And not cringe when he rocks his own two-step. I should feel desired for my entire being, physical and religious and spiritual. Especially the last two.

I should look forward to being around him and when it happens, I should want it to never end. He should help me improve myself. Have that sort of self-appreciating effect without being overwhelming or obnoxious. Be wary of my sensitivities and hardcore, unintentional insensitivity. He must please be funny. I love to laugh. Carefree with a warped sense of the world.
He must be religious and spiritual. Aching for a higher calling. Understanding my proclivity to be celibate. He should feel free to touch my hair. Or hold my hand. Or share. Talk back! Stand for something, anything substantially.

Some fashion sense for goodness sake. Have an eye for beauty without being self-indulgent. Enjoy watching live cricket, footbabll, basketball. Willing to engage in my random spurts of energy. When I demand that you race me to the corner just because... you best saddle up and do it.

But please he must be able to say no coz I can be handful. It's all about balance, I guess. Well more balance than not.

Now for my favourite part and probably the first and last line of red tape for most guys.... Lol... The physical. Obviously not cut and dry.... Simply- tall, dark n handsome. Chocolate skin. A lil to some muscular definition. Flat stomach. Swag for days. Good fashion sense. Dope kicks. Cute, tight ass for his ass flattering jeans. Fitting shirts. Brush cut. Intoxicating Cologne. He best be able to handle his alcohol and shy away from getting trashed especially via drug abuse. Some humility coupled with confidence. Introspective n perceptive. Patient and kind. Likely to suprise me out of the blue. Listens. Able to apply his mind and look out for me. Feeling secure, I mean protected/safe, around him is hella important.

If this guy comes along, how can I possibly say no even though I ain't looking...

As for Shorty, I'm still waiting to get my stuff back. Haven't seen him all week. While FFB is looking less and less like an option. I'll pass. Now there's this other dude. Hella intelligent and intriguing. But unavailable and apparently a baby daddy despite his tiny wiener... I haven't seen it but I gots the info on good authority... Lets call him Lil Man... Let's see if he remains an extra in the background... Lover was tryna hook up... I haven't had the time or nothing plus this Shorty situation gots me feeling hella turned off men in general. Just as well. I been a lil guy crazy of late.

Day 71-72: Spear-o-damus

2009-04-14T09:53:00.001-07:00

Whenever you are just about to go on your periods, life sorta colludes in making the PMS that much more potent.

My gal,Ms Fabulous,was kind enough to let me in on a little secret. Albeit five days later. As Mother Dearest would say, 'molato ga o bole'. The spelling is probably incorrect but the Tswana loosely translates into 'a problem never rots/goes bad no matter how long it's been there'. She often says it when we are watching a soapie or those Forgive and Forget type shows when the victim finally gets retribution or more specifically, the evil woman gets bust for all her plotting. The idiom couldn't be more fitting right now, with nearly a week having passed.

It turns out that Shorty was all cuddly-couple on Thursday at Mos Def. And I have a sneaky suspicion that this is the same short shorts Miss Thang from that one do we attended together, end of last month. Remember he disappeared for a minute. And had some cock n bull story to go with it.

On top of that, this chick was apparently using my digicam to snap pictures with him! So that would explain why he still hasn't returned the cam coz it's probably still filled with incriminating evidence. It's actually quite pitiful. Besides being filled with his indiscretions, the cam also probably has some dope pics of Thursday's performances... But this numb-nut can't begin to share these coz Miss Thang will probably wonder where the rest of the luvey-dovey pictures are.

Dirt of my shoulder. Finally the tongue-burn has occurred. About damn time. And again, thank goodness, I never gave it up. To think I felt bad for comforting FFB coz of his ailing aunt meanwhile, Mr Man is playing with my feelings. Ait. I been helping get his stuff together, offering some advice, only to be repaid like this.

But now that nigga got my shit. My camera. My charger and plug. My jersey. My lip-gloss. Lol... Dude, this would explain why he didn't want me to go fetch his phone when he had forgotten it in the car, on Sunday. His guilty conscious. I wouldn't have looked through it but I guess he would rather be safe than sorry. With my luck, it probably would've rang in my hands.

Now, I hate to say I told you so. But I did. I been saying that something's off. That I don't trust this nigga. Now I know. So my gut is working. Relief. Thank goodness it ain't paranoia. I really couldn't deal.

What's worse is that I'm apparently the other woman, [yet again! After specifically telling this nigga that I don't want drama. Ya neh. So much for respecting my quest for truth]. This chic is apparently widely known as his girlfriend. Classy. Poor chick. Poor me.

Yeah, that's enough self-pity. In fact, I ain't privy to any. I knew. I did. You probably knew too. I broke every rule of the how to tell that 'He's Just Not That Into You' list by listening to him claim to be digging me, missing me, trusting me... And most of all being single and tryna see where we go. I listened to him. Instead of my gut.

I'm tired. Absolutely exhausted. This nigga managed to play me despite my best intentions. So it is kinda like Paul again. In fact it is. I trusted somebody who is clearly not to be trusted. Dude! And how many times did I tell him that honesty is the single most important thing to me? Oh but he made so much effort to see me? Ms Fabulous says that playas get off looking as though they put in some effort. It ain't nothin but a thing to them. I'm easily impressed, clearly. I mean he saw this chic Thursday night only to call me the following day and hang with me that night. And Sunday night. He apologised for not doing so yesterday. Wow. And drive me home. And pick me up.

So now that we know he's triflin', do we call him and scream into the phone? Nah, not my style. Anger ain't a real emotion. I'm hurting. Down but not out. So I need to chill. This been going on for a minute so what's it gonna hurt to only voice my hurt later? Coz I may be nicer later? Nice ain't truth when I really just wanna hang him by his fat-ass.

Not my style either. Any guy that deserves to make you feel like literally killing him, doesn't deserve your time. You giving him way more attention than he deserves so walk away.

So my way of venting is blogging coz life will sort him out. It ain't my steez to teach a grown man. It took a lot for me to call him today and not call him a big fat liar. I played it cool and even cold but requested that he please bring my cam back coz I need it. Bull. He promised tomorrow. I just wanted to get off the phone quickly so it completely slipped my mind to ask him to drop my stuff off with security if he happens to go past the office tonight.

I'm not up to seeing him. I'm hella disgusted. The thought of second base is even having the opposite effect. Not even a lil smile.

So how am I gonna deal with this? If the opportunity presents itself, I'll tell him what I know and that I'm out. Either way, by reading this, he'll know that I'm done. Peace nucca!

Day 67-70: Frontin'

2009-04-12T17:53:00.000-07:00

I often blog, hoping to locate a resolution within the text. Especially when I'm struggling to express myself verbally, I find that writing organises the con-fuss-ion.

It's pretty much in the same vein as when I teach my Sunday School kids. By explaining to them, I grasp the concept better. Writing amounts to explaining to the self. No wonder school teachers often insist on pupils summarising study material into their own words. Coz you figure more via that method...

Where am I going with this?
Dunno really. I'm just hoping to figure out the Easter weekend.

The last time I blogged, I thought that Shorty and I we're pretty much nearing the end of our lil escapade. In fact, I still haven't resaved his digits [just in case I turn out to be right, I guess].
The irony is that his digits now appear on my screen more than they ever did.

That translates into two things...
1. It's a wonder that I don't know his number off by heart by now. But honestly I'm making a concerted effort not to commit the last seven digits to memory. My eyes merely scan over them.
2. Somebody been reading the blog and stepped it up. Well, he admitted as much. But before we tackle that...

I was more than prepared to have to walk away. Well, my defences were/are up. And I was hella impressed with myself for having not gotten hectically physical with him. In over a month, in fact only recently, have we gotten as far as second base. That's huge for me. This whole thing is hugely different. But question is, is it good different or bad different? Now that he's putting in some effort, I really dunno what to think or feel. Does it really amount to effort or merely convenience? I mean it's not like he's going out of his way.

I don't think I like him any less but I'm still not sure if he really likes me period. Which makes me less enthusiastic. To the point where I wonder why he bothers.

Honestly I just have a wierd feeling that something's off. I only have this feeling. So I can't get serious or be serious about this. That would be dumb. I'll hang with the nigga but I ain't expecting the moon or stars. Just a good time. Like Carev [from Grey's] said, 'if it works out, great. If not, it's ok, I'll get over it. I always do!'

That pretty much sums up the past few days. I'm less than impressed by his inability to let me know when he's delayed or caught up. It feels disrespectful. In fact it reminds me of my hip hop ex. He simply was never aware of the time as far as I was concerned. In his head, it was ok to completely disregard my feelings and make me wait. Wtf? So I kicked him to the curb on numerous occasions after he pleaded for forgiveness on numerous occasions. In fact, I haven't spoken to that nigga since the beginning of the year.

Another thing that's of concern is Shorty's near discomfort around me. He ain't completely relaxed.

Oh, it tears me up/ I tried to hold on but it hurts too much/ I tried to forgive but it's not enough/ To make it all okay...
You can't play on broken strings/ You can't feel anything/ That your heart don't want to feel/ I cant tell u something that ain't real/ The truth hurts/ A lie's worse/ How can I give anymore/ When I (like) you a lil less than before...

And maybe that's the basis for my doubt. But how do I explain that or draw some answers out of him. Even though he claims to be reading this blog, he was not about to discuss it. And I was not about to push for that. He says he's a man of few words. I think he just doesn't want to hurt me. Yet, he's often said that if he didn't wanna hang out, he'd let me know... So I'm back at square one, wondering what am I missing? What is it that isn't adding up? My gut is screaming something but what?

Is he maybe still in love with an ex? [he still ain't comfortable with us holding hands. Um we make out and then act like a plutonic couple afterwards? Huh!] What? Hence my detachment. If I'm detached then whatever bombshell that's about to explode will be relatively harmless...

You know what's funny, by now, with any other guy, I'd be wondering if we are like boyfriend and girlfriend now. My head's not there now. I'm still getting my head around understanding Shorty. That's more than enough to deal with. Plus, I rather like this taking it slow thing. It's teaching me patience. And wouldn't you know, my cursing has decreased a lot except in cases of ecstasy lol. Seriously.

You know what would suck is if I found out he was seeing other people behind my back. Ya know, second basing with other girls. Maybe that's what's up...

Okay, I know that I may have portrayed a gloomy picture but really it could be worse. We are getting along well for the most part. He's actually hella humorous. Perhaps even a little more sarcastic than me. Who woulda guessed... I'm enjoying getting to know him without the pressure. It's just not as black and white as I'm accustomed to. But it's also not entirely whack. It's um- friendship with perks?

Day 66: The Curious Case of KP-Spears...

2009-04-08T12:08:00.001-07:00

Like I was saying... It's like losing two things in one day... Boys come at a dime a dozen so I can get over Shorty... A cool job at a multi-national is proving to be a lil harder to swallow. Not because I really wanted the gig at this very time but coz it's exactly like a romantic scenario... Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Girl still deciding but allows it. Boy goes out with girl. Girl begins to like Boy. Boy changes mind. Boy leaves girl. Girl heartbroken.

She wasn't really checkin for him. And now her plans are a lil haphazard now that it's over. But really, the retraction of the job offer amounts to such relief coz I really was so torn about which step to take... Now I ain't gotta decide... So Three words... SUCK IT UP! And forget the pay hike! There's a bigger plan... Door closed and another opened behind you. Now stop staring at the closed door and look around! Harder to apply, I know... But I know that the Script-Writer is one hella creative guy... And he has some sorta plan. He always does. That's the thing about good times... Even, they pass.

This is the part where you JUUUUST deal. I had yet another dosage of thought-provoking cinema today. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button left my soul reeling. All through that movie, I either cried or I thought to myself, how fortunate I am. It's a wonder that I don't consciously recognise every moment coz every single day the Script-Writer BEEN reminding me how good I got it.

Benjamin was born old. All wrinkly. He was born only to be expected to die of natural causes. Out of the womb into a death bed. And even though he appeared to be as old as the hills, he was only jus a boy inside. So a forced old soul. Or rather he was born to be an old soul... Or he was one through and through and his physicality just showed his insides in a sense. As he got older, he started to look younger. His features softened up and his hair got thicker. [Speaking of which, can I just say the Brad Pitt is the single hottest, most enchanting man, that side of the hemisphere....] So he started to look really really young. There's a scene where he looks like a college freshman but his eyes show that he's been through a lot and that he has sucha story to tell but his physicalities, again, don't reflect that. And I felt that frustration. That's probably one of the few moments that one is content with ageing but because of their physicalities, they can't help but feel the exact opposite. Nobody really embraces age for the very reasons that made Benjamin feel estranged and different. Now that was a solid Old Soul moment. Then he got to his early teens stage, acne and all but his memory was fading. And he said, 'I feel as though I should be remembering something...' now that had me bawling... All the way to the end. It was one of those, it's better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all. Or in this case, is it better to have lived than not to have experienced the curiosity that is life? Right at the end when the love of his life is now old and he has been reduced to a baby, she says that he looked her in the eyes and for the first time in a long time, she could see that he remembered their life together. And then he closed his eyes...for the last time. [insert flooding here... Ironically, the movie was also experiencing a hurricane]

I've always thought that babies have this thing. They know much more than they realise... Well, they know more than they would be able to articulate or even remember to share when they are eventually able to verbally express themselves. They often give you a knowing look and now I have a word for it... that was a 'Benjamin' moment.

So I finally got home. And then Shorty texted. I still haven't resaved his digits. Needless to say that I recognised them. Dammit! He claimed to be thinking of me. Yho Mr Smooth... Needless to say that he soften me up nicely... He hadn't been able to get the digicam earlier coz the newsroom had me running around in circles [which I absolutely loved! I'd rather be busy than be dealing with Heartbreak Hotel nonsense!] and my phone was on silent and so I missed all thirty thousand of his calls. By the time I had returned them, he was gone. But now he still needed the cam so we provided for another pick-up before the Easter weekend... What the hell am I doing? Oh... He did fail the test... Well, technically its not his fault coz the guy that hooked him up only had an extra one. I found it hilarious the way he explained the scenario considering I had merely asked if he was gonna be attending the Mos Def gig. I got more than a yes which made me think that he may be reading this blog... Ha ha... Or he just figured it out himself... Man, I'm obvious!

Again what am I doing? Oh Lover is alive and well.......... Nuff said about that subject the better... Coz we clearly got some spies up in this piece!

Day 64-65: What I Can't or Won't see...

2009-04-07T12:00:00.001-07:00

Life is one big fat bitter-sweet moment. Often what tastes so good, can turn around and leave your mouth reeling. It's like chewing on that ol skool Wicks Bubblegum. It's all pink, sugary and gooey... Slippin n slidin all over the inside of your mouth. You basically chew your life away but it's not enough to keep it the gum in one spot so can't really feel that sweetness... And then the worst happens, just when you are getting the hang of it, your tongue gets in the way right in the middle of biting down hard... It's so sore that that the gum is now the worst thing you've ever had in your mouth... The absolute worst.... And you quickly spit it out, hoping that the pain will quickly subside. It finally does but now you have a gaping gash on your tongue. A reminder that you should've just taken your time.

Same goes for tongue burns. There's absolutely no good reason for them coz the very food that you were rushing to devour won't taste as good because your genetic taster is under going severe burns therapy. But all too often, I'll burn my tongue with tea just because I hate the taste of cold, even mildly warm, tea. Even at the expense of my super rockin tongue... Just this morning, I couldn't brush too hard over a certain spot....

My point is that I'm not so good with learning lessons. Even when I know that I'm in the middle of a tongue burning exercise, I'll still be hoping that the hot ham and melted mozarella won't scald my tongue even though I'm well aware that that's exactly what a freshly toasted sandwich does best.

It's almost as though, I prefer just finding out for sure... every single time! Isn't that insanity?!.... Like those women in the movie I watched today. 'HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU' made me remember what I always knew... That hot tea and Bubaloo bubblegum should be tackled at the consumer's own risk. Same goes for love. So maybe it is all fair in love [and war]. Haven't decided on the latter though.

Time for the truth. I really don't think that Shorty likes me all that much. At least not enough. I may have alluded to it in previous blogs but now my whole being is nodding in agreement and singing 'Praise Hallelujah!'.

Funny thing is that as I was typing this blog, he called... quick digression...

[I think I have some powers of some sort that make it possible to WILL him over. Earlier, just before the movie, I left the office for Nouveau. Once at the front of the line, after queuing for over 15 minutes, I realised that my massive handbag is carrying everything but my dam purse. So I call 'Alicia Keys' at the office, she has a look around and lo and behold, she spots it on one of the work desks. So I tell the cashier my situation and he promises me a free pass to the front ofthe line upon my return. I rush back to the office, get my purse but now I gots to pee. Been holding it in for a minute and in my rush to the cinema, I had avoided going to the toilet as not to waste any time and not be late for yet another movie. And as I sat on the toilet seat, I thought to myself... why are all these d8iversions happening? is the scriptwriter planning for me to bump into Shorty? "Oh hush, that's not possible, I thought to myself. Stop dreaming!" I thought to myself. So I grabbed my stuff and left. And as I'm saying goodbye at the door, he walks in. My heart stops. We exchanged a greeting and I left. oh he looked soooooo good! Anyway, I called him en route back to the cinema. He sounded less than excited. And I was happy that I had not bothered to shower him with attention just to be tacitly rejected. I'm feeling hella vunerable at the moment and I figure I gots to build up my defences.]

If he wasn't on MTN then I probably would not have recognised his number coz during the movie screening, I deleted every inch of him from my phone. So he calls right and I think to myself 'oh my gosh, I could be wrong about this one'... So I crossed my fingers and listened as he went into how he had called to check up on me and all that... At this point, I like a lil baby, all goo-gaa-gaa... Lovin the luv... The glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel! And then it went all dark again when... he asked me what time I'm coming in tomorrow. Now I'm thinking, he wants to come see me! Oh my gosh! But I kept it together... 'Why?' I asked coolly, keen to suppress any pre-mature joy...

And boy was it uncalled for coz he only wanted to know if he can borrow my digicam for the Mos Def press con tomorrow. I fought the urge to ask him if that was his sole intention for calling. A part of me is wishing that I had just asked but after the tense weekend and Monday [we fought about me being way too crude and rude after I made a comment about his dodgy looking friend on Saturday. Yho, he was basically screaming at me. Twas hectic. Yesterday, I thought for sure that he was gonna tell me that we should quit hangin out. He told me to cool it though. He says I'm the one complicating things. Right. Coz I'm the only one in this hey. I nearly walked away myself. But I kept my words to a minimum and let him blow his fuse. What came out of it is that we should be patient with each other and I should curb my vulgarity] that we had, I guess I'm hoping to be wrong about him one more time. Clearly I didn't get the premise of the movie. Or the very lesson at the beginning of this text.

Besides, I have one clear cut way of figuring this out. He has two tickets to the event on Thursday. Question is will he invite me? A no means curtains. A yes could mean a possible winner. My gut is telling me to be prepared for a huge disappoint. And after this weekend and yesterday, I'm about ready to be set free from the chains of this thing. Honestly coz I'm missing the good vibes. There's more bad than good and because of it, I ain't feeling the way I should. My gut is screaming 'run!'. My eyes are saying but 'He's so cute, don't be an idiot.' Oh well. We'll see what the future holds... Either way, I'll be ait. Maybe losing two things in one day is just ok.

Day 60-63: what now?!

2009-04-05T05:34:00.001-07:00

The past few days have been hella taxing. Personally and professionally. Good and bad. The day after April Fools Day marked the end of a very dramatic two months. None of what has transpired on the road to 180 Days ever occurred to me as a possibility. Not even a remote one.

Before we tackle the present and what the remaining 120 may bring, let's recap...Lol!

So I broke up with my boyfriend at the beginning of the year, only to keep in contact well into the end of January. Cut off the communication on the day before I began this hot internship which was sure to be my ticket to a successful radio career (but I quickly realised that it wouldn't be as smooth a ride).

So there I was, competing for top honors with eleven other eager beavers at work and completely cut off from my ex-soul-mate. Ok maybe not completely but we certainly don't talk as much as we used to. Not even a fraction. Recently, it's hardly ever, which is good considering that by the second week of February, somebody new had caught my eye.

It was not the plan but a few niggas had caught my eye. From a light-skinned cutie at a campus radio staff party who managed to screw up my Valentine's Day with his 'ex'-gf drama to the excruciating baby-momma drama of an unavailable chocolate brotha with the sweetest, most sensitive n compassionate persona that I've ever seen. Sexual chemistry for days! Needless to say, Lover had to do him so I did me!

Even with my right arm in a sling, the world been to just shower me with excitement and I quickly shrugged off the tears for Lover. FFB (Footsie Footsie Boy) started to holla in between some fancy footwork. And so did a range of other men who were or are seemingly just interested in a fresh shag. And for that very reason, they are not worth a mention or a holla back.

Now you may wonder why there's hardly any mention of work. Honestly it was not half as exciting. Yes, I was in the thick of things, being inside the machine is nothing like being part of the machine. I'm learning all the technicalities but I really just wanna be a technicality! That's all I'm dying to do... Be on air again! So please don't think that I'm obsessed with the opposite sex coz quite the vice-versa is true... ha ha... And boy is it an ego-trippin experience...

But I'm hardly all about ego rubbing. Niggas come at a dime a dozen... Atleast that's what my head thinks... My heart is a lil more stubborn about accepting that notion.

So before FFB could up his game, Shorty entered the picture. During Lover's last days, Shorty had been an extra, somewhere in the background, quick to greet with nothing much to say. Once Lover was out the picture, Shorty quickly became a front-runner despite his dodgy pick-up lines... Out of nowhere, there was this affinity between us during the beginning of March. As much as I thought that my bleedin' heart was being provided with the best get-out-of-jail free card, I quickly realised that this convenience came with complications despite his single status.

In between his alleged ex-fling drama, psycho chick 'friends' and take-it-slow nonchalance, I struggled to figure if we were coming or going. I was also introduced to the world of delayed physical intimacy. Wow! So how do you tell if he likes you? You can't really! Well not in the typical way. Only way to say is by him spending time with you, I guess and perhaps his word. Faith, really. It's like believing in God. It's blind faith and probably the most terrifyingly naive n in depth.

My career has also been asking for some faith. A job offer has me reeling. It's a tremendous opportunity to infiltrate Marketing, an industry that I've always been fascinated in. But I'm wondering if I should pounce on it or not considering that I want to be on air! Will it be a lil detour or a blessing? I dunno. But I always figured that if an offer came through than God expects me to take it coz he provided it. He knows I wouldn't be able to say no. He knows that I wouldn't know what to do...

Short of Him talking to me... Directly... I really dunno but I'ma go with the above. It will be hard to leave but new adventures await... I was supposed to give an answer on Friday already but they have yet to furnish me with the contract terms. Plus, with the elections coming up, the interns been deployed to the newsroom after a hectic Saturday workshop which saw one of the interns, 'Alicia Keys' spit fire at the news boss, much to his disgust! It's pretty much down to eleven now.

I'm hoping that even if I leave, I'll still be granted an opportunity to go on air but what the chances... What am I losing out on here? That's the gamble! You dunno what you got til its gone...

Another possible loss could come in the form of Shorty. He ain't too happy with my attitude and demands an adjustment. I don't like to believe astrology but the claims surrounding the dynamics between an Aries man-FIRE and a Pisces woman-WATER, kinda explain why fight so much... To be contd...

Day 59: Sinful...

2009-04-01T22:56:00.000-07:00

Today I auditioned for the newsreader position. And even went to the music committee meeting... Aah something to do... So I was glad to be a little constructive. It beats fighting the urge to pull my hair out. It beats dealing with the funny looks. It beats engaging in long-winded, unproductive skinner sessions. I'm done with that. So much so that it feels as though my brain is turning to mush.

I haven't written an article in so long. And when I do try, I only get as far as trying to apply all the stuff that I've been taught. Instead of applying the instincts of a God-given talent, I'm using my brain. A mind that's been, for the most part, jaded. I'm no longer the writer I was.... Um... Of cos I am but I'm having trouble balancing what comes easiest to me and the awesome lessons I've learnt. Price of immaturity or maybe 'WE DON'T NEED NO EDUCATION!'... Maybe somebody else's lessons are merely that... SOMEBODY ELSE'S... I mean who taught that person and the person before... Sorry I'm sounding like those philosophical stoner rebels without a cause... Not the intention... Just saying though....

Because of Shorty's unavailability, I had planned on going to a movie but he left hella late so I couldn't catch one... As I'm walking past the local watering hole, I see FFB and some other mutual acquaintances. He's keen to keep me company til nine so we hang. His plan is to blunt and get crunk... Not just coz that's what he does on a regular basis but also to lessen his hurt. His aunt aka second mom is literally on her death bed. So he's in a state plus work is hectic.... The timing couldn't be worse. And he ain't so good with sharing those kinda feelings... My heart bled for him.... Even when he was poppin pills... Dude!

I dunno hey... Where the hell am I... Where people are doing drugs... Willy nilly... Like it ain't no thing... Am I gonna become like that? Is this what they call the fast life in Jozi? I ain't keen then...

Day 57-58: oh goodness...

2009-03-31T13:14:00.001-07:00

You know when you like somebody so much that you sorta gag after talking to them coz you are so sure that you made an utter fool of yourself during that lil conversation. Or when they call at night and they are brazen enough to figure, out loud, that they are the reason for your insomnia. On the flip side, you cleverly realise that besides them being aware of how absolutely smitten you are, their call also indicates that they may be suffering from a similar affliction because of a lil thing called you... That's when your tummy gets tied up into so many knots that you wanna sit on it, somehow and squash those damn butterflies. You're certain that you could literally pass out from experiencing this overwhelming emotion... But then you realise that it's just gas... Once that's passed... You go back to wishing he was there, kissing you, holding you, talking, laughing, staring... Then your toes curl in... You think back to that earlier conversation... And the gag reflex kicks in...
It's a vicious, highly contradictory cycle which makes you wish, with much hesitation, that the situation would just plateau so that you may ultimately be able to get some sleep.

Why am I so shy around you/ Why am I so shy/ Why do I take care to astound you/ Why do I even try...

Shorty finds it incredulous that I, so dope and hella interesting, feels that way about him. Which is hella humbling coz I feel that way about him. Every time I expect him to tune me some story about me coming on too strong or suffocating him, he doesn't. Or the worst thing that a man can say, 'I'm not ready for a relationship.' He even says our hand-holding feels natural. Yes, he says all the right things... [insert deep, long, heavy sigh here]... And yet I doubt...

Today, I was labelled a playa by one of the fellow interns. She and some other dude starting counting all the guys with whom I've ever shared a hug (only two have really gotten more). But the truth is, It makes no difference to me if ten guys dig me at once coz much of the time, my definition of 'dig' is usually a lil different from theirs. Being objectified sucks. Its the price of beauty. The price of lust. The price of being a woman really. And it only just adds to our paranoia and mistrust of men in general. It's funny how I understand that from my point of view but I struggle when I try see it from where Shorty is standing.

Side-thought: I dunno where I'm going with this... So maybe I should just start with Monday...

His wicked sense of humour/ Suggests/ Exciting sex/ His fingers/ They focus on her/ Touches/ Venus as a boy... He believes in beauty/ He's Venus as a boy...
He's exploring/ The taste of her/ Arousal so accurate/ He sets off/ The beauty in her/ He's Venus/ Venus as a boy...

Ok that was the last digression...
My memory is a lil hazy but Shorty took me home coz car-pool-dude was off sick. Plus he had to make it up to me, right... Another session on the road in traffic.... And before I knew it, we were pullin up to my crib....

Tuesday began before dawn at an Outside Broadcast in Soweto. Once back at the office, there was nil to do so I went in search of physiotherapist. Oh and some deo.... Just before heading to my 1 'o clock at my former employer. They won't be giving me the other position but a marketing co-ordinator position. Dope! Slight problem, they are keen for me to start, like yesterday. But wait, what about my radio dream... Mm... Dunno hey...

Day 54-56: Weekend tremors... Part II

2009-03-30T08:28:00.000-07:00

This weekend, Shorty screwed up. So bad that I feel as though trusting him would be hella naive....

On Friday, we were at some event together and hotdamn did he look good. So good that he made my outfit look wack! Lol! This is crazy. Anywho, some chick in her short shorts, heels and curly-sue braids was clearly hollering at him. Pulling him by the hand. Grinding on him. Now this brought back memories of my MBA ex at the Wordsworth Party People last year. That night really changed the vibe of our thang or rather, more accurately, I woke up and finally read the 'IT'S BEEN OVER' sign. [Which would explain why I ain't keen to holla back at him coz it took me a minute to get over his stunts.] Technically, I couldn't get mad coz we were glorified friends with benefits. He couldn't or rather wouldn't deal with having a 'girlfriend' and having to be responsible for someone else's feelings' [insert a blood curdling 'HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU' here!]

So yeah, I knew as much and to see deja-vu in action in broad-daylight, I was about to have a BF for real. Armed with liquid courage, I pulled him to the side and asked him wtf with sheer vindication on the outside and sheer dread on the inside.

I half-expected him to tune that he ain't gotta explain nothin to me. He saved me the embarrassment but his dismissive reaction was equally as icy. 'Don't worry about that. That's what people do around here!'

Ya neh! Next thing, he's gone off somewhere and this new Miss Thang is also MIA! [Plus, I'm left to babysit his friend who was hella cute, might I add. Chocolate skin and all... But Shorty got me checkin for nobody else really....] My blood began to boil... Mind you, I gots to go home with this nigga.... Aaaaaargh! Typical!

When he finally returned he claimed to be getting some takeaways for his fam. I was hella sceptical.... But then he smiled at me reassuringly... And when he touched me, I melted like a gullible fool. We drove home in some Adele-fied ambience (he liked my gift, he was hella floored that I got him the album for his bday) and our parting shot was our SECOND kiss. About dam time! Lol. This is a lot of work.

The following day, the plan was to hit yet another gig but my cousin's parents' pending divorce had her in a state so she wasn't about to come out. Lil Sis figured I should tell Shorty to come get me. I hate asking for such stuff. Being the typical chic, waiting to be picked up by her man. I've never wanted my own ride so badly! Needless to say he didn't respond to my text or calls. I was livid all the way into Sunday morning when he finally called.

He had some or other excuse. And to distract me, he also mentioned how one of my fellow interns, cornered him on Saturday night, telling him that he must tell me what he really wants. Huh!? Dude! I had not even sent her. Not impressed coz I doubt it came from a genuinely compassionate space. She was on some sabotage tip. Or am I paranoid!? It's jus hella strange. Anyway... He promised to make it up to me by coming over, after dropping off his lil sister, in the afternoon.

The afternoon came and went, my excitement came and went... and during the cricket just when we thought SA was about to be handed her ass in a nail-biting Pro-20 game, he finally called or rather drunk-dialled me. Fun! And again, I couldn't be mad. Fuuuuuuuuck! But I did try state my case. He said he'd make it up to me....um...make it up to me for failing to make it up it me?! How about no more promises!? "whatever. Clearly I can't trust you." I said, hoping that I hadn't hurt him too much with such piercing words.... Can you believe it?!

I tried to be mad. I tried to state my case.
I tried.
I still feel stoopid. But I still feel him.
If its fucked, so be it. And may it end soon.

Day 54-56: Weekend tremors...

2009-03-29T07:35:00.001-07:00

I've never been a fan of the initial stages of THE MAN-WOMAN BOOGIE, simply because everything is so fragile. It's like wearing your heart on your sleeve and hoping that your beau doesn't notice. Two reasons. You don't want him to get freaked out by any slight detection of how hectic your feelings may be. This is not Hollywood! You can't be fallin within 85 minutes. You wanna look cool but not disinterested. You wanna look interested but not psycho. It's plenty juggling. And feelings are bound to get hurt coz at the end of the day, it's a matter of two strangers attempting diplomatic romance.

Shorty takes my breathe away. As cliche as that sounds, he still makes me think before I speak and I'm irrationally worried that he can't possibly dig me at all. Never mind as much as I dig him. In my eyes, I ain't nearly as intoxicating or interesting or beautifully complex and strangely simple as he is. In fact, I don't feel like I'm good enough for him. He can do better. And I wouldn't be surprised if he figures as much. Now the rational me figures that those are clearly the crazy rhetorics of a cupid-struck loser. The Kimora in me knows that he best be in awe of me coz not many niggas are lucky enough to get this close but she says this in a rather meek n not-so-fabulous voice.

Just like a star across my sky/ Just like an angel off the page/ You have appeared to my life/ Feel like I'll never be the same/ Just like a song in my heart/ Just like oil on my hands...

It's so bad, I don't wanna be mad at him for nothing. I'm so whipped. And I'm pissed about it.

Ok anger is not a real emotion so I'm truly fearful of being so into him that when he does disappoint me, I'll hurt so bad. It'll rip at my insides and hang them on a washing line [dunno where that imagery came from...sorry].

The last time I felt this way was early last year with my ex. I was so scared of 'losing' him, I broke up with him twice to halt my over-flowing emotions. It really annoyed me! Or rather made me feel too good. So good it terrified me... If that makes sense...

Day 53: The Morning After The Night Before...

2009-03-26T19:04:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to discuss this but other facets of my life been rather pressing.... But here it is... Finally...

For the most part, the Thursday lectures are the highlight of my week from an academic point of view. Today, the topic of subconscious crutches perked my interest. I know I 'um' and 'er' alot. Hardly ever in general (I think) but especially on air. It's the price of being ill-prepared when you switch on that red light...

It's also the plight of my approach. I take on radio, in the same manner that I would take on writing. Raw, uneducated and hella ignorant. Now that I'm learning all these various techniques, I'm starting to wonder if I'm up to it... Perhaps even my writing skills need some refinement. I mean even the grandest of singing talents take voice-coaching lessons.

This self-doubt isn't as bad as it was a month ago but it's still as frustrating as the urge to pee. The difference between writing and radio is that the lil gems that I create can be edited and refined when doing the former but with the latter, if you flub it up once, you're done. You must get it right every time. It's no longer funny on your second attempt.

As much as I think that scripting an entire three-hour show would make things run smoother, I'm really not all that acquainted with my wit and sense of humour. I even suprise myself and laugh at myself.... [Like Weezy would say, 'I should throw myself a suprise party for every line'] 'Oh, you're hilarious', I'll say to myself... Nine times out of ten the really funny stuff is not planned and when it is, it's not nearly as ticklish. So I can't script coz my organised-humour sucks balls! Yes, I haven't tried but not the point right now!

Wait... actually, come to think of it, when I write articles, I'm hella funny... And for the most part, an article is 'planned' ie done in advance. It's not like they publish the very first draft that very day, that very moment as you write it. So maybe scripting is just lil articles in one.... Mm... I just had an aha-moment whilst typing this. With this blog, I always publish the first draft and edit it here and there. But mostly grammar and such, hardly ever chunks of text. I think a different approach maybe needed for the on-air product. Shorty figures the scripting does not have to be hella detailed. Key-words may work better. I concur. Maybe a mixture of both. Coz most of the time with scripts, whatever you plan to say, you never do. That on-air button throws you right off. But maybe in between the 'ums', I'll remember the prep and do it some justice.

Well, I'm gonna freak out, maybe I should try meditation instead....

Goodness I'm so excited about going on air soon. I'm hella keen to not only prove myself but also apply what I've learnt...

Last week, we were encouraged to research our listeners and also go figure what makes you distinct, unique, different! Everyone can back-announce, id the station and ride off a 'good radio voice' but really what makes you stand out from that 'I WANNA BE ON RADIO' crowd??!

Armed with a pen, I picked the brains of Lil Sis, Ma, my cousin, some fellow interns, Shorty and FFB (writing out 'Footsie-Footsie Boy' takes forever! Yes, I'm well-aware that the acronym amounts to BFF backwards. How appropriate. Shame that nigga is dope! Too bad he says he ain't tryna be friends coz I think we could totally be best buddies! Oh well...)

Once I got the feedback, I compared it to my own list of the things I reckon I'm good at. Um... Not many people said 'funny'. Hella disappointing. Instead straight-forward, assertive, opinionated, self-absorbed came up....
Nice... So the listeners are gonna love to hate me!

Saw Shorty yet again. We went, or rather, he went shopping again and I tagged along... but more about that later. We didn't kiss. Goodness, we didn't even hug. Like I've said before, this is like high school luvin'! I won't be suprised if we don't kiss again until next month. Ok ok I'm probably pushing it.... But I'm jus saying though...

A mutual girl friend of ours apparently hit the roof when she saw an fb message that I had sent him. She claimed me to be 'her territory' thus he should stay away. Funny coz she BEEN dating my ex on some clandestine tip. So why the hell is she catching feelings!? Actually, we long figured that she BEEN feelin Shorty for a minute... Like most psychos do... Never a dull moment in that nigga's life!

Day 52: OMG!

2009-03-25T22:11:00.001-07:00

Pay-day has one hella effect! We all wanna drink as though we'll never be broke again. So I invited everyone to a SLING-OFF drinks session. Only because I would be leaving the Zone quite late so it would be the perfect way to pass the time.

Little did I know that removing my sling would have such an effect on Footsie-Footsie Boy. He wouldn't stop staring and even though he had not planned on staying for drinks, he did. And boy did it get 'OUTTT-CONTROL'! Worst or best of all, Shorty also stayed for a coupla hours before leaving early. Before he bounced though, I was checking fb like any regular addict would do when I noticed that yet another one of Shorty's people had commented under his status update. I had began the status debate earlier by asking why he insists on talking in the third person. Five other people responded likewise.... Much to my and probably his suprise... So I commented that it was not my intention to get some sorta intervention started... This new comment that had just came in, con-fuss-ingly had nothing to do with the issue at hand. Instead, it accused Shorty of sending blank texts. Is there something wrong with your phone, she enquired, grasping at straws. I didn't recognise the name and Shorty confirmed it to be Miss Thang. I had to LOL coz for the first time during this whole saga, her psycho status had been made official. Her comment, only sought to create drama and I'm thankful that she's way too retarded to figure that she voluntarily advertised her kookiness and inadvertantly flushed any mistrust towards Shorty from my mind... If she was being legit, she would've been discreet and not post something publicly, clearly meant for my eyes!

The story quickly became old... Phew!... and Shorty and I rejoined the conversation at the table... Well, I did. He was hella quiet. Near uncomfortable. I was not suprised when he announced his early departure... I was not happy about it and I said as much without really wanting to get into a fight...

And then it happened... As we were heading to his car, he took my hand and led me up some deserted stairs...

*This can't really be happening...*

Then we stopped...

*Oh my gosh, it is about to happen...*

And it did... He pulled me close and for the first time, physically recognised my body... Ok it didn't even get PG, nor did it last long.... We just kissed... Finally! It was so surreal... And gentle and delicate... AND HELLA OVERDUE! ...And everything I hadn't expected.... He took me completely by suprise... I BEEN ready to make out, I'm glad he finally hopped onto that train...
'So the hairstyle did the trick', he joked. You dam skippy it did!

Back at the restaurant, yet another one of Footsie-Footsie Boy's wingmen put in a good word for him. This time it was his cousin. Ha ha! I think that such loyalty is so adorable coz he had crossed the tipsy line, a while back and wasn't about to impress me with any stoopid or slurred speech! Although, I appeared to be encouraging it by reacting to his crazy utterances... So we ended up fighting like an ol married couple... In hindsight, not my best moments...

He was, however, able to walk me to the car. And I took the opportunity to fill him in on the Shorty situation. On the surface, he took it well... I mean I didn't get accused of leading him on or anything of a sort that I thought maybe thrown at me. He also, didn't even begin to sling mud at the competition even in after smoking that blunt...

What a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man... He also reckoned he'd be over it by morning.... Negro please! To soften the blows, I may have made it look as though I might be able to still make movies tomorrow. When really, I had already made up my mind but he only needed to know that tomorrow. I ain't keen to look like a player. In anybody's eyes. Lest we forget that I wasn't checkin to get involved in the first place... Wow... Such drama! Yho!

Day 51: Somethin' New...

2009-03-24T12:49:00.001-07:00

Rosa Parks sat so that Martin Luther could walk/ Martin Luther walked so that Barack Obama could run/ Barack Obama ran so that all the children could fly/ So I'ma spread my wings/ You can meet me in the sky...

The bad news: These very lyrics nearly cost me my phone at about 10 AM today. There I was, minding my own business, tryna update my fb status but it kept bouncing back coz the words were more than 160 characters. Hella frustrating. So I had to resort to the single most annoying thing on fb... Using SMS language... But because I was so moved by the words, I didn't mind butchering them for hip hop's sake!

Lil did I know, that beyond my mini-skirt, my furious typing had attracted the attention of opportunist criminals... I couldn't have noticed them though coz I also had Jay-Z blaring in my ears... Honestly, I ignored that lil voice that warned me that I had just entered Sin City (they aren't loitering... They are dealers and working women...) so I may wanna put my valuables away... But nooooooo....!

So Mr Man aka The Hustler walks up to me and puts his arm around me. I jump and turn my head up, expecting to see a familiar face but instead I was met with a scowling face, an extended hand and a bearly audible 'Tlisa' (Sotho for- 'Gimme that')! How about no?! By the time he had demanded my phone, I had already begun reacting (screaming) to his foreign grimy arm being around my neck. By the time I realised that he was audaciously tryna jack me by asking me for MY phone as though it was HIS phone (on some Derren Brown tip), I was way too annoyed with fb's damn restrictions and now a stranger's sticky slime on my back! Oh hell no! So I walked off and so did he, empty-handed, defeated, probably wishing that I hadn't been listening to music at the moment he struck.

It wasn't until I was a few feet away from the scene that I realised what had nearly occured. Then I was freaked. Couldn't believe I still had my phone. I mean he could've just grabbed it and ran but he was probably just dying to touch me. Lol! Goodness!

Oh yeah... I should've maced his ass. Which reminds me of what a friend once said about my Mace can. When I need it most, I won't even think about it. Besides, it would've taken forever to dig into my mother of a bag to find it.

If my phone had been taken, I wouldn't be alive to write this coz my moms would've blazed my ass! She's constantly on my case about how much time I spend mucking about on my phone especially in public, shopping malls, the street. She's often prophesised that someone is bound to snatch my phone!

Ever since my first phone in Grade Nine, I haven't been able to keep a phone. They always get jacked (even the brick classic Nokia 5110 which was merely substituting for another phone which had been stolen recently), mostly because of my lack of alertness. As much as my mom would revel in being right, she'd be more pissed at my inability to do better when I know better.

Bottom line, I got away with nearly screwing up my day-off. Didn't head to work because of this Taxi Drama. Instead I tackled all the things that I haven't been able to do because of my schedule. Got my hair did. I figure if this hairstyle doesn't get me a kiss... Then nothing will. My chauvanistic hairdresser said I should let him know how things progress coz he willing to help me out for a R50 fee! How about no!? Paid the the doctor a visit- the good news... I'm officially out the sling. Shorty tried to suprise me again today. Wasn't there to enjoy it. Sucky! Maybe tomorrow!? Let's see him try resist this... Two arms, hot hair, cute ass, stellar personality... Lol... Goodness... This is beyond sad!

Day 50: Suprise Surprise...

2009-03-23T13:34:00.001-07:00

Cause everybody knows/ That nobody really knows/ How to make it work/ Or how to ease the hurt/ We've heard it all before/ That everybody knows/ How to make it work/ I wish we gave it one more try...

I was hoping that today's blog wouldn't even sniff at Shorty. But alas... Bear with me though. This won't be as long-winded coz I'm just so deflated... Shorty suprised me by 'bumping' into me today... Even 'Alicia Keys' said we suit eachother... That was the good part... My guy friend, whom Miss Thang confided in, is convinced that I'm being played. Not-so-good part! Well, he may have the most complicated love-life, next to mine but I still respect his opinion. I'm well aware just how illogical and irrational emotions can make one, no matter how much one trusts What's-His-Face. My buddy figures that 'There's no smoke without fire!'.... After spending fifty days in the cut-throat setting of Northern Joburg, I know that not everyone is normal. They lie, cheat, steal, screw around to get their way. I also know that you can't trust anybody. Even if that somebody is highly convincing, complete with heavy emotion and threatening remarks. Everyone's on Broadway! Shorty once said he doesn't wanna confront Miss Thang coz it'll turn ugly (like her... Lol). She apparently declared that I better leave her man alone or else... 'Oh, you jus mad coz I'm stylin' on ya!...'

This all makes me think of MacBeth and how ambition turned him into a murderous monster... Is it worth it? I mean, is it worth it to bear the brunt of somebody's determination... Shouldn't I just step out the way?

Back to my point.... There's no smoke without fire? Or is there? Shorty may claim to be the victim of defamation and goodness knows that I would love to believe that with all my heart... But if he is being honest then naturally or even far-fetchedly so, it follows that Jacob Zuma really could be the victim of a heavy conspiracy...? An underground movement that is keen to see him go down. He may not have done anything, even remotely wrong. He may just have gotten in the way of a hectically motivated individual... Can life be that bizarre? Or are the facts that simple... And the truth hardly complicated... Short of calling on a Sherlock Holmes and flipping through some phone records or even Shorty's phone, I have no way of proving anything without becoming psycho myself... I only have my gut feel... Is it worth it to deal with so much drama? Juliette got herself killed coz of it...

Good dude/ Bad night/ Right place/ Wrong time/ In the blink of an eye/ His whole life changed/ If you could feel how my face felt/ You'd know how Mase felt/ Thank God, I ain't too cool for the safe belt...

Last year, Paul cheated, towards the end of our first month together. He kept it up for a few weeks. I only found out a month later. My gut failed me. Atleast that's how I felt. Cheated. Absolutely swindled. Fooled. Stoopid. Hella betrayed. All that security and validation that a woman works so hard to achieve within a relationship, all shattered. Broken as though it never ever existed. As though I had imagined it all. And in many ways, I had. It was all in my inflated head. Hubristic [New word from Grey's lol] coz I thought he was so whipped. I wasn't bothered into paying any real attention to our relationship. I didn't have to work at it much coz I felt that he couldn't be anymore impressed with my persona. Pride comes before a fall hey... Besides I was way too caught up in my job. My relationship amounted to rent-a-friend. Someone that's there to fill up the moments when you aren't working, sleeping, eating, washing up, reading... So maybe my gut didn't fail me. Maybe there was no smoke but a massive fire that I was too self-involved too notice...

I dunno... I really don't coz when I was in it, I really did feel like an active (ok maybe only 60% active) part of the relationship. Because of that balls-up, I'm a lil more cautious... I'm scared that this time, my gut may 'fail' me again. I may be so into this guy that I wouldn't recognise Deception even if he came up and dislocated my other shoulder...

Aaaaaargh! So now what?

No answers there. Footsie-Footsie Boy got a new ride and he's keen to do movies this Thursday... Complete with a ride home... Full steam ahead... I'm hella chaffed, dunno if I'll do it though... My ex has also been 'checkin on me'... Dunno hey... Moved on and moved up... Lol... My long-lost-love-from-another-life-time, Bots-Boy, who I have yet to meet, f-b'd and it turns out that he's been reading my blog... He and other folks too... I know I wrote this so that y'all could read it but really, I'm hella freaked by all the people that do take the time to read this soap-opera. Dankie baie!

I really wish work was more interesting, at the moment so that I could stop writing about men... It makes me feel so flat to be gaaning aan about one and the same subject! But it is what it is/ And the way it is/ Is kinda fucked up!

Day 48-49: Con-FUSS-ed!

2009-03-22T05:56:00.001-07:00

Saturday was dedicated to my 'adopted' lil sis. Double score coz it would get my mind off Shorty. Especially coz she's in the middle of a pregnancy scare and we needed to get her checked. Also, needed to catch up... It's been a minute since I saw her and telephonic chats just ain't the same. Last time I saw her, she was a virgin... Now she's late. I'm not the best big sister I guess but now that things are a lil more chilled, I'ma be there especially now that she's nearly done with high school and she's tryna figure out where to go, what to do.

During the conversation, after the pregnancy tests, we discussed her PUSHER bf and how patient she has to be with him when he doesn't call because he apparently has family issues. She reckons that I should be more patient with Shorty coz I never know what's going on with him, that's got him all quiet. Imagine! This 17 year-old child giving me advice. Talk about role reversal. I WAS LESS THAN IMPRESSED TO BE TOLD, for all intensive purposes, to chase after a triflin nigga! Those six words flooding my mind, 'HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!'... My heart hoped that the opposite was true so that I wouldn't have to start building that bridge...

I put my pride to the side... With Sade (Love is Stronger than Pride) in the background and lil one urging me on... I called him, absolutely certain that a verbal altercation would ensue... Apparently, I was so freaked that I was shaking... However, he was in high spirits, heading to the bank. 'But it's closed,' he moaned... Well duh, it's after twelve on a Saturday, Sparky!

Ok... Good news... We talking about everyday stuff... Bad news... We talking as though things been normal since Thursday... So I broke the ice by saying just how suprised I am that he's cool coz he's been giving me the silent treatment. He in turn, mentioned his phantom text from Thursday night which he says was sent at the same time that mine came in. He even thought that my text was a replying to his.

The double texting must have screwed with the matrix coz I never got his text. Which is hella sucky coz I've been hating him for two days. Imagine if I hadn't heeded the counsel of a teenager.... He resent the text which contained an apology for being 'an idiot', he just doesn't feel like company when he is pissed! He also aired some grievances. He feels like 'I want him to do things that I want him to do'! I really don't get that so I'm gonna ask when I see him... But I guess I gotta cool it on the Miss Independent tip.... So I'ma compromise... I'm glad that we sorted stuff out coz I'm keen to spoil him for his birthday, which is in a week. Who knows, I might even get a kiss out of it... Actually, at this rate, I'll be lucky to get a handshake...

Day 47: It Doesn't Rain, It Flash-Floods!

2009-03-20T13:25:00.001-07:00

Oh you're the reason why I'm thinking/ I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more/ I guess that's what I get for wishful thinking/ Shoulda never let you enter my door/ Next time you wanna go on and leave/ I should just let you go on and do it/ It's not amusing like I believe...

It may have been the end of the week but Friday was not about to go out quietly. In fact, Friday the 13th was a week late and fiercer than it's ever been.

Not only was my direct Rosebank taxi taken off the rank coz there were hardly any people to take it but once in the Alex taxi, it took us over half an hour to get onto the highway because of some or other Metro Police detour! Good times!

Not that I'm condoning the measures that Taxi-drivers resort to in order to not 'waste' time but really if it wasn't for those 'reckless' offenders, I'd get to work, much much later. Well, today we got one of the conservative, ol fashioned types with countless peek-a-boo's of grey on his head. This driver was not tryna break the law so I took the time to catch up on some sleep... While the other passengers, called in late.

Once in Joburg, I could see a mother of a cloud hanging over Sandton City. Funny coz the highway was only partly cloudy with some sunshine, creating one hella false sense of security for the me and my naked calves!

The script-writer/director finally cued the rain. And I mean rain! One moment it was sunny, the next it was hailing hard. So hard that water was splashed into the taxi when a car drove past. That's when many wished they had called in sick instead. Couldn't believe the amount of water. Visibility was to the minimum and getting off the taxi was like crossing a river. As much as I have been ignoring 'The Inconvenient Truth', can't help but reckon that we experienced the price of Global Warming...

By the time we got to my stop, the rain had stopped and the risk of flash-floods had greatly subsided. In less than thirty minutes. But it was way after nine! Luckily I'm currently in a lax department. Nobody raised an eyebrow.

I tried not to think about what's-his-face but my crappy morning had spun me straight into a messed up mood, compounded by his stubbornness and lack of compassion! So I was hella sad especially when I was recounting last night's events to 'Rihanna'. Oh, I think it's officially over between Lover and me. We haven't communicated all week basically. So I'm pretty much single, for real, for real. Maybe Shorty trippin is a good thing... I can get my focus back. Men are stoopid! I've decided! Here I am... Fighting love again... Oh well... I'll be fine. This isn't a first. Men BEEN stoopid. The next one just better be less stoopid!

Day 46: Really now?! Really... No... Seriously!?

2009-03-20T01:15:00.001-07:00

It's funny how just when you are attempting to avoid Drama... She comes knocking at your door in a pair of cheap heels, a mop of plastic hair, a face plastered with unflattering make-up... 'Loud as a motor-bike but couldn't bust a grape in a fruit fight' Looking like a trashy, hot, ghetto mess! It's nasty. And the heffa ain't even embarrassed.... Stoopid girl!

Or maybe I'm the stupid one. How can Shorty come with so much drama in a matter of days... And it's not just Miss Thang and her 'I'm tryna jack her man' allegations, he is also hella sensitive and moody and impatient and always ready to flip. Is it not simpler to just engage with unavailable men? I mean in that sorta situation you don't have to deal with a nigga's PMS! You focus on the good times coz they are few and far between.

Because of an RSVP'ing miscommunication, he couldn't get in so I couldn't get in to an industry event. This translates into a worse date than the previous one. Whoever thought that was possible?! Dude!

This nigga got so mad that he hardly spoke to me during the trip home. IT WAS SO AWKWARD... I tried to sleep through it but couldn't manage. I tried to find the words so that we can atleast begin to resolve the issues... Ko kae!?! He was not having it... I hated feeling like I gotta walk on egg-shells... I'm never afraid but every time we have some sorta confrontation, he brings up stuff that never seemed to bother him before! Or stuff that's flat out me! Like how I tend to exaggerate out of jest and even call him an ass! Dude! Now he has a problem with that! He even flipped when I rubbed his arm.... So I'm dealing with two psychos at the moment... I really wasn't tryna deal with that especially after another crappy date! Pretoria has never seemed far away...

When its good, its fantastic. When its bad, its hell and it's only been a coupla weeks.... I'm not aiming to get involved into a psycho affair. He better ship up or I'll ship out!

He didn't even reply to my text, hoping that he had a safe trip. Whatever! Like I said to him, it makes no sense that when I'm away from him, I miss him so much. But when we together, its like this?! Wtf! Smh!?
Cue Ne-yo's Mad...

Oh that dreaded Q came up... From him... What is this? What's going on between us? I said, isn't it too early to be labelling this....?!
He concurred... Good answer he said.... Kiss my ass! As far as I'm concerned, hooking up with a guy that acts like a snot-nosed six year-old is not on my to-do list.

Day 44-45: Part2 - Sunshine promises rain...

2009-03-18T23:07:00.001-07:00

Tuesday was the big day and before I knew it, I had to start heading off to Hyde Park. One of my BFF's who had actually suggested me for the job, to the powers that be, called to check on my state on mind. She also mentioned one possible obstacle. My lack of mobility. It wasn't til she mentioned that, that my proposal lost its lustre and appeal. And I left, near complete deflation.

Once in the boardroom, the HR chic was in another meeting and thus couldn't be part of the panel. SCORE! And I was with some familiar friendly faces... Gotta love the sling! And my charm... Lol... Who am I kidding... My legs had adopted a life of their own... Shaking uncontrollably... But really, it went well... And from what I heard, they are looking for someone just like me... That lives the brand and is looking to forge relationships...

My life's about to get complicated... I think... But what's new!? I mean, I hate to count my chickens before they hatch but really....
Ok... Once back at the Zone, I head to Clicks for my flu shot. The nurse was a lil peculiar. She took the injection out the packaging and then started looking for some document. Meanwhile the naked needle is hazardedly pointed up. This went on for a good 5 minutes and I started to wonder about its hygiene. She must've read my mind coz she mentioned how she was still recovering from a car accident which would explain her rather odd behaviour. I was relieved?! Not even. But then she stuck the needle in and it was over. The quick band-aid rip-off trick. I got my free supply of vitamin C and as I was about to leave, she mentioned family-planning. First consult for 50 bucks... Um, thanx... I swear this woman is psychic!

Back at the office, music department, still not bumping. I was not missed. We did a recording for the teaser campaign with the official voice. Twas dope to hear some of my liners come to life.

As we came out the studio, at about 2pm, I see that Shorty is around. I decide to white-flag it and go say hi. And the butterflies zinged with energy as he hugged me and his hand lingered on my lower back. ST! ST! ST! Now there's a reason to stick around....

We duked it out. Cleared the air. He didn't come through coz he had to clean his sneakers. How disconcerting. I said as much. Furthermore, brightspark had forgotten about our date.... Disturbia...

But after I had made myself heard, I let it go. Coz he makes me feel that good... Without even tryin... I'm sucha pushover! If I didn't know better, I'd say I was whipped... Despite the crap that people are saying about him... Not that I'm discounting it... I really dunno who to trust but what I know for sure is what I feel for him... And how he makes me glow... So for now, illogically enough, everybody else can kiss my ass! Like the song says.... SO WHAT!?

The drive to the State Theatre took forever so we arrived late. They wouldn't let us in and he took it quite badly. The good thing is that we spent the time in traffic talking and I even told him about Lover. But wait for it... He already knew... Somebody who I thought was a friend, beat me to it, despite being aware that I was reluctantly planning on doing exactly that, on Saturday already. She also told him that he should stay away from me coz I'm hectic! What!? Our theory is that she feelin him! Well, join the queue Heffa! Needless to say that I ain't talkin to her as much anymore. But I ain't gonna confront her... Funny, she's the one that was advising me to stay away from him. What? Did she think we don't talk!? Stoopid girl!

He was still hella shocked by my confirmation of the Lover story so I'm glad I could clear it up... After being bounced from the theatre, we decided to head to Hatfield which was packed on a Tuesday night!? What kind?! So we found no parking and headed to Brooklyn. It started to rain. Co-fi was empty and I thought it a good idea to drink something on an empty stomach... Needless to say T-Pain started singing 'Tipsy'... Luda belted out 'One More Drink' and Jamie and I 'Blamed it' on the alcohol as I embarrassingly pulled in for a kiss only to be met with a big fat no entry sign. The date turned awkward right there.... Me and my stupid urges.... I was so embarrassed. And when he dropped me off, we discussed it. He likes to digest while I like to do. We are hella different. I'm not used to this...

Oh, he also figures that our butterflies are only different in the sense that, if we got a chance to be alone, we'd go buckwild... Lol... How comforting... It's his birthday next week... So who knows...

It must be criminal to write so much about a nigga but I'm enjoying getting to know him so much that I gots to share... Hopefully, the next post won't be so obsessive... Hopefully, the next date won't get rained out...

P.s. How dope is it that we have yet to kiss? No thanx to me. But nevertheless the case... By now, I've already jumped a nigga.... Not that I haven't tried-Lol! But you know what I mean!

Day 44-45: Part1 - Rain promises a Rainbow...

2009-03-18T12:35:00.001-07:00

Monday was anything but a good day. I missed the direct taxi to Rosebank and only just made it to the lecture which turned out to be yet another self-indulgent, long-winded artist-based flick from the 80s. This time we were treated to the majesty that is Prince and the artistic joke that is Purple Rain the movie. Another artist that thought he could act so he called up all his out-of-work, non-actor friends to hooked them up with paying gigs. As much as I delight in some charity, I was anything but delighted to be put through 90 minutes of that. And to top it all off... My all time favourite Prince song, 'Diamonds and Pearls' was not showcased in the movie. So I sat through that huffin n puffin for no climax....

So my morning was fucked! The weather was deteriorating fast. Fortunately, I was dressed for it with my sandals and peddle-pushers... Cute but not during chilly, cloudy temperatures! The music department was far from buzzing. And just when I thought things were picking up, it started to pour. Inside and out. The weather and the person. A good idea went horribly wrong.

There I was conversing with the Programming guy and my pending job interview came up which resulted im him listening to some of my radio links from my Top Stereo days. Granted, it wasn't great radio but it was what it was. And boy, was he unimpressed. My heart bled. Little did I know that it literally was bleeding out.... Red Robot! Once I had managed to tear myself from that office, I finally realised that Day One of a different kind had begun. Two types of emotions... I'm not pregnant- Yay! Babies are instant career killers! And oh, no wonder I been feeling like shit- Aaaaah [insert pout here].

The only thing that kept my spirit up was that Shorty was gonna come through and I'd be able to see his glow and unload on him. But it was already getting late and I was hella anxious already. Interview tomorrow. Right decision even?! All these damn questions... So to pass the time, I logged on to net, hustling for SA Blog Awards nominations... Then the email came in... That messed up my day... One simple, innocent request from my side, unleashed a tyrant from a highly sensitive stranger. 'not even a greeting. Is that the way to speak to a stranger?' she asked. Now this is
was the final straw!? So I picked up the phone and attempted to make my intentions clear. My mom assured me that I had every right to ask questions and I figured Miss Thang must be having a Day One of her own...

Shorty was MIA well into my bedtime, while I was preparing my Presentation... Needless to say that after my wack day, I was about to blow. I may have been slightly afraid of a confrontation but I knew that it had to come to a head, sometime...

In his text, he mentioned having thoughts of me and how sorry he is for not coming through today. Something came up. I, in turn, told him he sucked and that I was having the worst day and I had been looking forward to seeing him but because of my state it was probably a bad idea to see him coz I was feelin so needy earlier. You see... A guilt trip and independent woman tip in one text! Hella smart! He replied with 'I'm sorry about that'... That's when I flipped... I flatly stated how I really dunno why he bothers coz he clearly don't care. That's when he asked what's wrong and I said I'm tired of feeling like I'm chasing (coz it ain't my steez) and I'm about ready to walk. He insisted that I stick around coz it will be worth the wait. I just gotta be patient with him coz he's just scared and stuff.

In my highly irrational and emotional state, all I thought was 'wank, wank'... What wack excuses and I told him, it's no reason to stay. He didn't reply. And I was left wondering if I still had a date to FOREPLAY'S premiere, the following night with Ne-yo's Mad in the background....

I slugged through my proposal and went to bed for a measly five hours of sleep, feeling hella accomplished in the career department but hella stoopid in the romance department....... My heart was hella sore but my head was hella content... Can't win them all...

Day 41-43: Detox gone wrong...

2009-03-16T00:42:00.001-07:00

Last week, my rather ambitious plan to not curse, gossip or mock my fellow mignions backfired badly. Monday went really well but it was really just downhill from there.

On Monday I got away with a single swear word even though I had to deal with those over-bearing numbnuts from class, with all due respect. I still went home im a haze of good feelings. Clearly I was hardly concerned about mocking people coz I laid it out as nicely as I could put it for big eared Brandy who hardly ever has her hair up for those very reasons.... Something had to give I guess and she was the weakest link on Day One of Detox. She may have taken it in the friendly spirit that it was intended but really I may have taken it too far. Luckily we buddies! So not so bad...

Tuesday picked up from where the previous day had left off. I was in the zone until we had to do a recording. I had two whole lines but kept fluffing them. Which brought on some natural choice phrases which only served to increase my frustration. Hence more mistakes. And further cursing.... So Tuesday was a write-off...

Wednesday evoked some cursing of the good kind... Ecstasy has that effect so I couldn't feel bad... By then I had given up on a family friendly vocab week...

As far as gossiping goes... That's all people do... Talk about others... It's remarkable, just how much of that goes on. So my approach was to try not to comment on it or get involved. Just listen, I guess or walk away. I ain't tryna isolate myself which would be the quickest way to not gossip.

So I told my Sunday School kids that it's only gossip if you talk about somebody behind their backs. My ex, who I was helping with his MBA Accounting course, had this quote in mind. "small minds talk about people, medium/average minds talk about events, great minds talk about ideas...'
He figures that talking about ideas would revolve around what makes people act the very way that they do... Instead of discussing the very person that did said action. While the event discussion is just around what took place without focussing on the people that were part of said event. So I'ma share that with my kids.

Shorty and I were supposed to go to a play premiere on Saturday except it's actually on Tuesday. It wasn't until I double checked the invite that I clicked much to my annoyance. He took it well and even went as far as saying, we'll go on Tuesday... Speaking of Tuesday... My previous employer is keen for me to take up the Talent and Artist Rep position... Sorta like your AnR... The interview is on Tuesday and if I get it, it will mean better pay and connects and even travelling... Its all gravy but what about the internship... I'm keen to be on radio... Not to go back behind the scenes... Again I'm banking on faith... Crossroads... My ex's word of the week... Yet again, it's not my plan hey...

Day 40: Girl feelin boy...

2009-03-12T22:36:00.001-07:00

It's not everyday that I feel like The Bachelorette.... Much of the time, my various unplanned engagements with unavailable men has left me feeling like the desperate-for-love/damsel-in-distress but hella fiesty type that realises too late that she can't play Miss Independent and be one of the hopelessly needy contestants that are fallin for The Bachelor . Sometimes it hits you in a rush... Sometimes in waves... Either way you will cry...

Now feelin like the Bachelorette, that feels hella better. Coz you are the wanted NOT the wantee. Be the flame NOT the moths. The only bummer is that you don't know what's true and what's not. Does mr X really dig me or is he merely digging the thought of a challenge?

So Shorty is back in the picture with more swag than I can handle while Lover and I have painstakingly decided to cut our losses. While Footsie-Footsie dude omitted to tell me about his girlfriend. So Friday movies ain't happening.
I'm still pretty excited about Shorty despite my dismissive attitude following his 'lack of interest'. In fact, I get some mild heart-burn when I'm around him. Which isn't necessarily S.T... More butterflies... The innocent type that makes it feel like your insides are floating. It's nice... For the lack of a better word. When I compare it to the way Lover makes me feel.... Now that's S.T... On another level... The butterflies are electrocuted by the sheer electric chemisty between us. So that's the difference. Honestly, the S.T seems to lack the longevity, not that I would wish a swift death on my feelings for Lover. Jus sayin though...

Day 37-39: Get up and Go!

2009-03-11T10:59:00.000-07:00

There aren't many things in this world that are truly inspiring and motivating. As I get older, more cynical, jaded and hella clued up, I realise that it takes quite a bit to move me. Which sets the bar really high for the usual entertainment-worthy stuff like tv shows, movies, music and of cause the opposite sex. My family and church, on the other hand, manage to do so without much effort while the other catagories pretty much struggle to make me sit up and take notice.

Let's begin with the opposite sex. Because of a little thing called Oepidus Complex, any significant liasion has been at the hands of a chocolate-skinned, tallish, handsome nigga with an air of arrogance and smoker's breathe. He don't give a rat's ass and can articulate as much. Humorous and engaging. Great smile with awesome teeth. Good vibes. Brush cut. He also only really becomes emotional around me. And makes me feel like an eight year old girl, believes in me and makes me believe it. That's my DAD. Summed up.

That's a grand order for any man. Nevermind one that has spent much time in the sun. If he's lucky I'll settle but then I'll be out before the four months are through so settling really does nobody any favours. (four months = my longest relationship period).

Truth is I probably painted a madd idealic picture of The One (HE/SHE lies within by the way). But wait... there's more... He must be honest, ambitious, self-sufficient and most importantly, God-fearing. Spit facts, hustle, go after your dreams and have a lil faith... Faitha faitha faitha.... My list is not all that impossible coz I have met guys that fit most of the bill. Finding a cutie who checks out the whole list, now that's the tricky part. And chances are, he'll only live in my son for now. [speaking of offspring, my cousin gave birth over the week. Which probably explains the dream. Hopefully. Such a premonition would suck.]

Lover comes madd close, I must say. So close, I'm thinking how will I ever get over him? Especially after today. Thankfully, of late, everytime I meet a new guy, he is that much closer to what I'd like to see in my man. So I'm keen to see what the future holds in that department. Well not right now, in a few months time.

Day 31-36: Three's a crowd... Four's jus down right insane!

2009-03-08T14:45:00.001-07:00

There are various ways to get over someone. And I think that in the past week I may have exhausted all avenues. Think of a TV game... Let's say Tekken 3... The only game, I've ever really enjoyed playing. Mostly coz I had the biggest crush on the karate kid with the thick red hair and killer abs. His name started with an H and he also rode a motorbike, decked out in tight near gay fitting leather... I know, it's strange, diggin on a computer generated being. But honestly, I hope there's a man out there that looks like that...even a slight resemblance would do. Ok I know... Not the point of this post but one more thing... Wasn't Eddy super suave with his smooth Brazilian ass kickin... Still attracted to his digital sex appeal... And then there's the female him with a slammin body and the hottest tits and naughty smile... Lol wow I'm like a step away from being a Pottin Trekie!

Back to my point... Think of a TV game... Actually Tekken was a bad example but you got to see my perverted side so not a complete waste of time. Think of Donkey Kong... You were steadedly making your way through the stages, with all three lives still in play, only to get to a part in the game with a tricky set up and you end up losing your lives in quick succession. GAME OVER! And no, you don't have a memory card. So you gotta start over.

Getting back to the premise, I figure I may have gone into overdrive too fast too soon in an attempt to purge myself of Lover, after Monday's flooding.

The plan for Tuesday, day 32, was to draw on the get-up-and-go attitude of early Monday morning, before being unceremoniously dumped. Of cos, this was bound to fail coz Lover was to stop by during the day. I was nervous and wondering anxiously if our spark still existed. I figured, if it was dead then I could move on quicker now that the tears have been taken care of. If the opposite was true, then I foresaw more tearful episodes in the future. Not a fan of the latter so with a heavy heart, I hoped for the former. And that's when I sub-consciously started building the walls. I couldn't even just talk to him like I used to. That sucked coz our connection is much more than a two week fling that died of cardiac arrest. So that hurt and without even realising it, I began to plaster the very walls I was building... He was high, tryna cope. I was fighting back tears, tryna perk up.

At the end of it, I handed over my gift- Estelle's Shine 'I SHINE, YOU SHINE, WE SHINE TOGETHER'... more like, 'I CRY, YOU CRY, WE CRY TOGETHER'....and hoped that it was over but not...

I know what I want but it's way too beautiful to be nurtured in a deceitful space and for that reason, the walls went up well into the end of the week. By Friday, I was focussing on work and trying not to think about him or talk about him or even communicate with him all as much in an feeble attempt to build that bridge and get over all of this. But most of all, I was and am determined not to cry. Coz I never wanna return to that place again. Like I told him and as dramatic as it sounds, I thought, I'd die from the heartache. Which is absurd but by day 34, the ultimate way to get over anyone, strolled through the door. Not even my type ie not tall dark and handsome but rather the opposite except for the handsome bit. And a lil chunky but also charming with the cutest smile. Clearly I was sold like any vulnerable person would be. So how many times must I meet somebody else whilst I'm still feeling somebody else. Isn't that merely a transfer of those feelings, from A onto B. Is that legit? Or is that a creative take on the Get-Out-of-Jail free card?

Well, long story short, light-skinned Shorty turned out to be an ass who doesn't look half as interested as im did on Friday or even in the weeks leading up to our official 'I DIGS YOU' talk. His sweet words were all for nought. I have also been flirting up a storm with another half-interested cutie or two so it serves me right. It would be too easy.

So I came clean with Lover about my sheer inability to continue being the other woman. He refuses to let go. Our breaking up on Monday pretty much didn't stick. The plan is to meet up soon. And I'ma stop ordering bags of cement. As for Shorty, he can kiss my sweet behind. And stay away from me coz I ain't tryna curse this week either. Should be hella interesting... I finally sent my demo to some people that work with corporate radio, voice-overs and such... And I'm hoping to start writing soon. I did the show all by myself on Saturday and was not too happy with it. Probably coz I'm hella worried about applying what I've learnt in lectures. Spinning head! RIGHT ROUND! Finally finished my first academic assignment, wish I hadn't spotted but alas... This week, we work hard and work at strengthening my arm. The sling will be coming off in about two weeks. Exciting.

Yesterday, I dreamt I was pregnant... I have a few theories about that... Will unpack those in the next post....

Day 30: And it and it begins...

2009-03-02T21:57:00.001-08:00

He walks outside for a cigarette break/ And thinks how many cigarettes does it take/ He takes a long drag with the sun in his eye/ He squints, he thinks, he starts to sigh/ Sometimes he cry/ When he thinks about his girlfriend on his side/ She held it down/ She made him better/ Fought the love through fucked up weather/ And she thinking about her life/ With no more work, just being a wife/ But instead her love, she gave it to a man/ Who fought against her lovely plans/ So when she go to work plus go to school/ Plus fight the love, she must feel like a fool/ She want the ease to come after pain/ She fight for love, that's her campaign/ We fight, we love...
[Q-tip ft Raphael Saddiq... We Fight, We Love]

I may have been raring to go yesterday but after barely getting through the day... I'm deflated and emotionally exhausted... Pretty much the personification of a Blue Monday... [The same way, according to some guy on the radio, that Obama is the personification of globalisation because of his 360 degree view of the world ie not jus Europe inclined like his predecessor was... That's one helluva compliment... But I digress...]

I started off the day with a session with one the country's leading radio brains. Not only is Bob Mabena, four decades of prime rib experience, he is also hella easy on the eye. That never hurts. Although, his daughter is a mere three years younger than me... Hectic.

During the smoke break, I checked up on fb like any normal fb fundi would do. And to my suprise Lover had sent me a message, dripping with pain, sadness... expressing his guilt and tacit reluctance to continue creeping... My heart sank... The end is nigh I thought... So I called him... To get a clearer picture? Probably to put the nails in the coffin... He sounded the way I felt. The weight of the world on his shoulders. He'd seen his kid during the weekend and the episode had made him think hard about putting her in a broken home.

And of cos, I understood. Its logic and totally reasonable. That doesn't make it any less hurtful. If anything, I shouldn't be in this situation to begin with. But alas... Plus everything happens for a reason.... Right?! Please! That didn't stop the tears. And my day was screwed from that moment. A random chat with somebody, got the waterworks going. And I never cry in front of people. Especially in a work space. In fact at my last job, it took five months for my breakdown to occur. Four weeks is a personal record. On three different occasions during the afternoon, I bawled [twice in a toilet, the last one was just before I went home... That ugly sort of cry that makes it look like you got beat up and makes you sound like someone died...luckily I had a trucker hat on...]

So now I threw myself at God's mercy coz even though, I messed up... The cool thing about being in a bad place, you can only look up... Tough times draw you closer to God... So maybe that's the lesson... I dunno... I'm clutching at straws here... Once again, I've managed to hurt myself. With even more intensity than before. But I've also managed to feel more... So much... So good... And I wouldn't trade those moments for nothing... Maybe another time... Coz honestly, that affinity wouldn't allow me to pull away. And his sadness, our sadness confirms that...

But that's that. My footprint moment. This too shall pass. He'll carry me through... He always does.

Day 25-29: Birthdays, Misdemeanors and Falls.

2009-03-01T06:58:00.000-08:00

Two words... FLAMIN' LAMBORGHINI! My Saturday was pretty much a blur because of a lil thing called alcohol... [insert 'Blame It on the a-a-a-al-alcohol' here!] and my crazy cousin, long lost cousin... Might I add.

We are so alike, it's insane. And yet because I've lived my life on this absurd tip, I ain't all that suprised to find someone like me who also happens to be family. It's all coming full circle.

As for my kryptonite or rather my krytonite-ee... [cue Mario] Because of his awesome-ness, day 26, my 23rd birthday was the best ever. Complete with some lesbo action, gay outbursts and of cos drunk managers... None of which I was privy to... Gotta love....

Funny story, I kept it together that night under his strict guidance. Meanwhile back in the real world my ex is flirting up a storm with every skirt on facebook. Yho! Nigga aint playin. I'm a lil annoyed but mostly infuriated with myself for not being able to be nonchalant about it. It's wack but I can't really get my back up about it cos we broke up. I still tuned him though. Much to his delight. Sargasmic! Actually come to think of it... He may actually be quite impressed with himself for managing to make me freak out. In fact, I have a feeling he planned it out that way... The apple doesn't fall far from the tree... And I mean that with so much love...

So now that I won't be seeing 'my lover' [chuckle chuckle] as often.... I'm excited at the prospect of getting back into FOCUS! It's been fun, it's been real but I gotta get back on track. And I'm super psyched to do so.... Is it weird to think that God planned it this way... So that I could relax a lil... Have some fun... Breathe and stop... [cue Q-tip...Lol...] Either way... I feel revitalised and ready to face my 23rd year on Earth...

Day 18-24: Where does this road lead...?

2009-02-24T08:15:00.001-08:00

I began this blog with the noble intention of documenting my life. Mostly coz I think that they'll need this information for my E! True Life Story. Honestly, there's plenty I learn on a day to day basis and I feel that in order to truly learn anything, I gotta be conscious of it. And my awareness is reaffirmed through writing. That's my steez. I can write some poetry but things only really come full circle through writing. Although writing about oneself exclusively feels hella strange and self-involved. And shallow. I do care about the important issues but really now, how big an effect is SA's looming recession got on my life. I mean a direct deadly threat that keeps me awake at night. What's worse than conceitedly writing about yourself is writing flat, uninspired pieces. Its a waste of effort and time. So I'm back here... Writing about the self...

Truth is I haven't been able to blog as often as I been doing coz my life has reached a PG status. Which brings into question.... Should you really be doing something that you wouldn't readily share... And that dear ol scripture comes to mind...something about God knows what you been doing in the shadows, He knows everything. I don't doubt that for a second. The one that scares me is the bit about everything that you do in the dark, will come to the light. I'd rather people didn't know. Hence my reluctance to share the activities of the past week and a half. Just in case the wrong people see it and it fucks with my bigger plan.... I ain't tryna self-destruct...

But I ain't keen to just write about how I wanna share but I can't... That's a sure blog-killer and it renders me unable to even promote this blog because I don't want other people misinterpreting my thoughts, feelings and actions.

Again, I'm at a place where I'm tryna figure whats what coz up feels like down... And wrong is right. That hazy grey area has clouded everything. Maybe conveniently so....

I was innocent at first. Goodness knows I was. I was not checking for a man... But then he came.... And put a spanner in my newly acquired machine. I wasn't even checking for him. He came outta the blue. And even now as I sit here, making my way to work, I can smell his scent. Which is super strange and frustrating coz he ain't here... Plus I've just stepped out a bath with fresh clothes that he ain't ever touched... It's also hella intoxicating... He's my new thing.... I was so scared that I would be so stressed playing Survivor for the next six months but he's managed to take me out of that toxic space and I'm living a lil.... A lot... I'm free... [whose song is that again??? FREE!? Oh yeah Destiny's Child last album... That joint's fire...] And that's the effect he has on me... I believe that God bestows all that good stuff... And that feeling of liberty can only come from Him... So its pure and good... Then why oh why would God send me an unavailable man with a baby momma?! Especially when he saw how focussed I was.... Like attracts like right.... I thought I was over attracting unavailable men with lotsa luggage.... I don't wanna mess with my karma... Should I just walk away [not happening...] or see to this affair's demise.... Well after this week, I won't be seeing him as much... Which sucks but if anything, I believe that's how God planned it. I'll look back at this and know the lesson... Right now, I'm smack in the middle of class....

Is it possible to fall for somebody so quickly? But don't they say that things that start up quick, end just as swiftly and for that very reason, I can't expect him, or even demand that he leave his woman coz I don't think I can offer everything she can... ie live-in pussy, a mother, an extended family and half a decade of emotions... I'm just a girl in her early 20's[23 in a coupla days and still making the same mistakes as my late teens]... If I'm gonna wreck a home, I gots to be able to step up.... I'm not about to just let him or even us screw up so many lives for lustful purposes... And I told him as much... We gotta be sure... As much as it pains me to say that... It is what it is... Ha ha of cos my low self esteem has nothing to do with me doubting myself and what I can offer him or even a possible relationship.... [Hey, I just figured that now... You see that's why I write...]

soundtrack to this post... What it is- Ras Kass!

Day 15 - 17: oh fiddlesticks... what's happening...

2009-02-17T10:12:00.001-08:00

End of the second day of my second fortnight in the PRODUCTION. Ironically, things aren't quite productive. I'm freakin out a lil at the concept of not doing much. Lil to no efficiency is making me a lil to hella nervous.

Plus I'm facing mountains of distraction, now that I have sorta settled in. One or two cuties are messing with my focus. So more nerves. Plus I'm studying in order to meet a month-end assignment. Many more nerves. Mm... afterthought.... I have plenty to do... So what was all of that about....

Ok ok... I'm just scared that I may be losing the focus that I so desperately wanted to achieve. And for what?!
[insert frustrated, blood curdling scream here]

now this is discontent/disconnect anxiety!

Day 13 and 14... Oh how much can change...

2009-02-14T18:16:00.001-08:00

Life has a funny way of pulling you up by the underwear and reminding you that for the most part, you have zero control. Life wedgies tends to happen when you start walking and talking as though 'you on top of everything'... It's a leader's plight... A boss's life... More accurately, a pain in the arse! I will concede, however, that it does make for an interesting living. It saves us from the monotony of knowing everything and being suprised by nothing.

God's grace lives within those moments of serendipity. It's when He is having a grand ol chuckle at presumed human intelligence. It's when I realise, for the umpteenth time, that what's meant to be will be, despite my actions.
But if I choose to be obsessive about something, I can be sure to forget to enjoy the experience and really only notice that I'm no good at doing the very thing that I'd rather not do. Just like The Secret says. Elementary, my dear Wandile!

Ok, let me get to you up to speed. On Friday, our first fortnight at work, expired. In retrospect, my attempt at being focussed and disassociated from work politics pretty much failed. Well, the way I sorta see it.... I had to know what's going on without being in the thick of things. In order to suss out some people. But really, we are all just sussing eachother out. But what's the point of that? Getting bogged down in the utterances and even indiscretions of a fellow contestant. That's not gonna help you win. If anything, that's hella unfocussed. I only gotta really worry about impressing the final decision-makers. Not my rivals. They have no say.

And isn't that like this life. Being concerned with Joe Soap next door really ain't gonna score points with God. And He ain't gonna wanna hear about him during his one-on-one with you. So I need to maximise my actions and stop being so obsessed with a false sense of security ie playing the game. This isn't a reality show. Although it may feel like it, complete with a competitive edge. Truth is reality shows are all fiction. TV IS A LIE. And you'd think I'd know that...

The rest of Feb will see me right in the hub of radio. Production. I didn't plan on being there so quick but everything happens for a reason right. So I'm hella excited to learn some technical stuff, such as recording etc. Who knows, I could do a voice-over. Now that I'm (slightly a lil more) open to the experience, I plan on taking it on in bite-size chunks. Fortnight by fortnight. And forget the six month up hill climb ahead. Step by step. Day by day. Or else, I could very well collapse from information overload, brain freeze or even constant anxiety. I can do this! Because I am here, I am worthy.

When I started writing this, I really had no clue as to where I was going with it. Now that it's out, I'm suprised and a lil relieved that I didn't touch on the activities that made these past coupla days so damn menacing. I'd rather not say. But I spent Vday alone and Friday's party, my first proper outing all year, was hella fun and eye-opening. My search for the self continues and I'm finding pieces of me in many of the new people coming my way... It's nice... And by the time I turn 23 in two weeks, I'll hopefully be walking into 2009 with a more steadY strut! A la Manhattan....

Day 9 to 12.... We gettin' up.... Been throwing up....

2009-02-11T23:10:00.000-08:00

I've been hectically unmotivated to write since the week began. My last post was supposed to have a part two but Monday saw me struggling to keep down copious amounts of bitter bile, inching its way up my oesophogus.... Ultimately, the motion sickness got me and I hurled the liquid into a plastic folder. Good times!
That was the tone for the day pretty much sorted. Couldn't eat much. No. Couldn't eat anything but dry brown toast. My sense of smell was so incredibly intensified that I wanted to cut it off. Or atleast get 'Chris-Browned' right on it!

So why the hell did I head to work in the first place because in Survivor, as one of the girls put it, injured contestants get the boot. I ain't about to be sent home because of an ill-timed op. So I sucked it up. Bile and all. Ok not so much the bile but the discomfort, pain and lack of appetite and even a long winded lecture or two. Everyone gots an opinion nowadays. No, everyone likes the sound of their own voice.
All in a days work.

Days 5 to 8... Disabled-emotionally and physically

2009-02-08T16:48:00.001-08:00

My op finally came and went like a summer storm that leaves you shivering with flu. My right arm is currently in a sling. Sorry, a mother of a sling. This thing is so big, you could house a small family up in there. So imagine the comfort levels that correlate with lugging around something this bulky. Its like one of those aching fat zits smack, in the middle of your face that is un-pick-able. Speaking of squeezing zits, I no longer have the pleasure. Using just my left hand is not half as satisfying as the use of both index fingers.

As I type this, my left hand is cramping up. Something righty wouldn't dream of. I do have the use of my right fingers but the phone appears to be too heavy for the recovering digits. Also a sweaty armpit that can't be managed is hectically frustrating. I feel so helpless. This must be how old people feel. Just an uneducated, wholly prejudice estimation...

That's the post-op run-down. Well, the abridged version. Turns out that different surgeries can affect one in different ways. The last time I was in the theatre, a benign lump was removed from my breastisis. Right-side as well. That was a relative walk in the park.

This time, you have bones, muscles, ligaments, nerves involved. It's not nice. And when my body finally realised what had happened, I freaked out. I just started to cry for no good reason. Imagine you have been watching the saddest love story and the credits are rolling. That was me x 50! Twas incredibly surreal.

While my neighbour in the ward who had gone for a similar op was in high spirits and completely happy. Unlike me, she didn't have a near 'BALE OUT' moment. Her husband reckons that I was not emotionally prepared for the op and my post-reaction confirms as much.

My mom agrees. Remember, I was not too happy about the timing of the surgery considering my new job. I even thought of postponing it. Now that I am in the middle of recovery, I only wish to get over the next six weeks as quickly as possible.

Paul came to Pretoria, exclusively for me... More of that, later...

Day 3, Day 4.... Double dealings, double feelings....

2009-02-04T21:00:00.001-08:00

Tuesday was relatively quiet. While Wednesday was quite the opposite. But before I get into the mechanics (sales word ha ha) involved, lets dissect my love-life for a sec. Paul and I are still talking, much to his (and a lil of mine) delight. It's tricky ending relations when we haven't seen eachother in over a month. Technically that should be more than enough reason to cut one's losses. But here we are, still exchanging heartfelt poetry. It's the thorn in my side because really I would rather just get on with the getting over it part. The sooner the tears come and go, the sooner I can move on. This amounts to picking at a wound everytime the first layer of the scab forms.
But I persist because Paul, for the most part is my anchor.... Imagine a flag attached to a pole.... Paul is the pole that keeps me connected to the earth below. He keeps me grounded. He reminds me whats real, whats true, whats important.
And that's what it means to be friends. Fortunately and unfortunately our relationship is so intertwined with the friendship that you can't have one without the other. And really the latter is the biggest loss. You can get romantic with anybody but a true, genuine friend is as rare as some London sun.

But ain't that how the cookie crumbles. It is what it is. As far as work is concerned the sexual tensions are rising and the fabulous foursome (Witch, the twins and me... A true Cinderella story) is bonding fast.... Well technically we jus share some laughs.
And boy is there plenty to laugh about.... Just today, I was in some heels to complement my corporate look... As part of the sales module, we went to an agency, one of the biggest in the country so I gots to look the part of a DIVA! Lol...

Naturally, I got ripped off for it. Beautse of my lack of ass, my pants looked a lil saggy which suits my hip hop persona just as well. Now I had been out all day and at the end of the day, we all just get together and share the events of the day. We also get to perve at the cutest lil boy who visits everyday, round that time. We all check him out and we get a kick out of being totally obvious. Lol. And he is the type that knows he's hot, takes it in his swag. Eish. Gotta love eye-candy. He is is a lil young though.
Yes, sexual tensions are high. Everyone is flirting with everyone. And it's clear whats in mind.
I just wanna keep to myself but it's hard not to get caught up.
Aargh.... I think it's a blessing in disguise that I will be away on Friday, getting my shoulder op done. They call it an anthroscopy. I'm freaking out a lil especially after googling our people's experiences and the mechanics involved.
You know, the more you know, the more you worry. I am looking forward to the anaesthesia... The last time, I had an op, I woke up feeling so rested and gooooood! Gimme that please... This traffic has left me feeling so drained.

Day 2 - Having Deja-vu...

2009-02-02T21:37:00.000-08:00

I finally got with the 09 program today when I finally started my new gig (the six month internship at the radio station). I was bright and early and anxious as to what lay ahead.I wondered how many more of us wannabees there were.
Ten(equally anxious) faces looked back at me as I walked into the reception. One more chick was missing. Numbers were split equally along gender lines, complete with the token white boy.
And I tried to put on my poker face. It was like walking into the set of a reality TV show. Weird how that was my first point of reference. Clearly I have been watching way way way too much TV.
To break the ice, I said as much...
A girl with a ginger/blond wig/weave set up (a la Kate Hudson, complete with bangs) concurred.
"And we already have the bitch." she added with a cackle.
Ok, it was not so much a cackle. And no, she didn't mean I was the bitch. She was poking fun at herself. Besides Bitch is a strong word, let's rather go with witch.
I was too nervous to laugh and too cautious to agree. So I just raised my eyebrows.
"Well, as long as that role is filled." I offered.
She took it. Very well infact.
Oh, who am I kidding she loved the attention.
And I thought back to all those times, that I had watched the Apprentice, Survivor, The Real World, Big Brother and how I always ended up hating this sort of person or worse loving to hate them.
Aaaawwwwww... I wanted to be that person... well not so much... that person never wins the audience vote....
What?! Wait! but this isn't reality TV, it's real life with a reality TV spin. Or real life being real life. Life can't imitate art.... can it?!
Either way, I was about to meet Donald Trump and his aides.
I also got to know the others a lil.
lets round up the women...
There's the Jill Scott look-a-like.. she's warm and engaging, with the cutest splash of freckles on her cheeks. She has already been dubbed "Mother" by the "Witch". Great.. the cliche roles are being filled nicely.
There are the twins... well, they aren't twins rather party girls that seemed to click from the get go. Think Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohan. They tell it how they see it and have already expressed their disdain for the Witch.
And then there's the Cinderella.. she's rather quiet and keeps to herself. Besides she had a rather hectic first day. They worked her to the bone. Can't do too much talking when you are caught between a boss sandwich (hah ha urbandictionary word of the day... glad I could use it in a sentence...)
Now for the boys...
Honestly all day, there was no talent... Getting over the ex would prove to be difficult especially without some proper distractions.
Ait.. you know about the white boy... well he also knows more vernac than me and if it wasn't for his obvious paleness, he would a , for all intensive purposes, a fellow black brother...
There's the slightly camp dude and at the risk of this being used against me for litigation purposes, he is very sweet and very much like one of the girls... Complete with a coach bag and pull back cornrows...
There's the rock loving black dude...but he don't really dress the part.. he is White Boy's BFF...
While the guy that dresses punk rock is into hip hop... slightly confusing...
And then there's this other strange dude that says weird things but doesn't even realise it.
Not hot.
That's everyone I think.
Our Donald Trump demands as much respect and I am starting to think that this is not to be a lovely stroll in the park. Much more hectic. Should be interesting either way.
I've been paired up with White Boy as we go on our fortnightly department runs.
I think he may have the One Upper Syndrome. Good times.
Stay tuned.

Day 1 ... And it begins...

2009-02-01T21:19:00.001-08:00

As I write this... I'm having trouble figuring what exactly to write about. This is my first proper personal blog since mid last year.
I would blog on a regular basis on myspace.... From once a week to one a month. But since I started working in July 08, I had no time and its safe to say that my respective changed.
To be honest, my perspective had changed a lot in the first half of last year and getting a job gave me an excuse not to blog. (another blog for another day)
I had gotten to this other level... I call it the Aunty O Effect... Where you kinda operate like you know everything as though you have life all figured out... I had all these Oprah-isms as an explanation for all that life would throw at me. Simply coz I had heard it on her show. Jus coz I 'grasped' the concept of the Secret... Plus I have a relationship with God... All those things had me walking with my head held high....
Well sorta... I looked the part and spoke the part but like all hot girls, my insecurites lie just beneath the pretty surface.
I couldn't blog about the stuff I used to touch on on myspace anymore because I felt I had moved past blogging inconsequentially. There had to be a point. But I didn't want to preach. But share, without being hopelessly self-involved.
Now, where's the middle ground to that? Or am I just being way too introspective? Or is it just a symptom of growing pains?
Oh gosh my head hurts... I miss being able to write about stoopid stuff that was funny. Now I can't! Atleast I won't. Well, after the lil things I've learnt, I can't allow myself to. Life means much more than a hook-up gone wrong...

I've been reading John Grisham's The Street Lawyer. It's an interesting look at the plight of the homeless. That's a blog for another day though. So today begins my journey to figure out what I wanna and how I'm gonna say it... As Luda says in his intro for Theatre Of The Mind... Here's my story and I'm sticking to it...